- Erotic Poetry
- Her Face Was The Desert
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Click hereHer face was the desert
Wrapped in silk,
Her heart the oasis
From which I drank my fill
The sky was her hair:
Thin-braided and adorned
By the Milky Way.
Her eyes were the sun and moon -
During the day, she swelted me
With heat and billowing sandstorms
Yet in the night,
Her temper mellowed
As I slept with lush
Under the carressing kiss
Of her sultry breeze.
- COMMENTS
This reminds me of my own dear, beloved wife, and the special relationship that we share.... Thanks, DSoul!! You really wrote a good one, here!!
I think if you consider what Maria and Lauren suggested you can make it that much better. Either way, well done.
jim : )
This could be a very good poem, and the metaphor does show great promise, but it's a bit awkward, at times.
The desert can at once be very warm, dry and hostile during the day and cold and equally deadly at night.
Her hair, the NIGHT sky - Milky Way reference oblige.
Her eyes, one is the moon, the other the sun - the oddest thing of all, the way I read it. The image is of complete asymmetry, which isn't the most appealing thing in a human face.
All in all it is a good poem and a pleasant read, but the desert is traitorous. You should review these metaphors and make sure the message you want to transmit isn't symbolically disfigured.
some astonishingly vivid metaphors here and with a bit of work, it would be awesome. I dont know if you actually want
suggestions, but in the first stanza, you could shorten the last line to
I drank my fill...
you seemed to lose your focus towards the end, maybe if you just let it rest for a few days, you could see it with fresh eyes and understand what I mean
but I really do love this, seeing th e potential, i am tempted to rewrite it myself, but I would never do that to someone elses poem :)
have a great day- M