Indicted

In India, a discussion between the husband and wife is different from what happens in the USA or Europe. So, the phrase 'we need to talk' means a dialogue on the daily routine of life, children, in-laws, other relatives and seldom about 'us.' Talking about 'us' is taboo and talking about sex is like 'bioterrorism.'

Plus, the language is a great barrier. We do not think in English, so we tend to constantly translate our thoughts from native lingo to the English. So, the result is often catastrophic.

*****

"In the black of night, a man asks all the questions he dare not ask by daylight"- George RR Martin, A Feast for Crows.

Probal: 28 September; Thursday; 10.15 pm

Anger, nowadays, was my constant companion and I was seething. The situation was hopeless, and I could practically do nothing about it. The matter was complicated.

I waited and there she was, in another room, fully engrossed in watching TV. Ahana would be listening to all the news, in all the languages till 11.30 pm and every day, without fail. I often wondered its utility or better still, its futility. For me, all the news that the Indian channels dished out were either hopeless or yellow in content. I had stopped watching them and minus the cacophony, it virtually made no material difference to my existence. Sometimes, I joked about her perseverance with the news and her minimal interest in the soaps.

I was awfully tired and had nothing to do. This had become the routine for the last few weeks. At 11.30 when she would finally arrive, I would either be found sleeping in the sitting posture or looking at the mobile.

Invariably, her first statement would be, "Why don't you sleep properly or the whole day you are with the mobile. Why not talk to us sometimes?"

So, today I made efforts to do neither. I kept looking at the wall in front of me dazzling in its colour, white. It was 10.15 pm and I still needed to seriously watch the clock ticking for one more hour.

I could have listened to some music on the mobile, but I was firm in my decision not to let irrelevant activity (on my part) to muddle the serious issue that I sought to address. I rehearsed my lines because I was not confident. Even earlier I had prepared impressive speeches but, when I actually delivered those lines to myself, I felt foolish, large scale.

Though it had to be done, I was not looking forward to it. Firstly, I was not comfortable with what I had planned to say and secondly, it was me who was used to listening to Ahana, not the other way around. But I would do it tonight at 11.30 sharp and that was a promise!

I woke up with a start; so silly of me, I must have dozed off in between. Though the frontal wall exhibited the same whitish hue as before, the clock was zeroing towards the time. Thankfully, I was not caught napping yet again, sleeping sitting. Through the daze of sleepy mind and the confusion, I was trying to focus. Showdown time. I could hear her coming.

She opened the door, looked at me and said, "Why are you sitting like a zombie and why is the AC at 27? Switch it off." Before I could compose myself to a fitting and scathing reply, she went inside the bathroom, came out, drank water, switched off the light and slept off.

I kept sitting.

It took me some time to adjust myself in the dark akin to a cinema hall where the lights go off abruptly and darkness descends like a blanket. Suddenly, I was lost. More than anything else, it was the swift demise of my plans that hit me harder. I continued to sit for some time and then slithered down to lie flat and stare up into the darkness. After about 10 minutes of tossing, I decided to speak up.

"Are you sleeping?" I asked.

She woke up with a start and appeared confused. "You said something?"

I immediately felt bad for waking her up. Feeling guilty, I said, "Yes, I thought you were awake. Okay, I will talk tomorrow."

Maybe, something in my voice alerted her. She was now fully awake and said, "no, tell me. What's it?"

Now, there was no going back. So...

I said, "Ahana, I don't know how to say it and I am very embarrassed about it. I am observing for many days that you don't ever touch me. There is never any physical contact from you. It is only me who does it but I also like it when you touch me. I don't want anything more, just a touch. But I never get it."

Silence. After some time, she said quietly, "Anything else?"

"Nothing", I replied.

We were both quiet. Overwhelmed I got up, went out of the room and sat down on an armchair. I just did not know, what to do next.

Time passed. I couldn't even think straight. It was so bizarre. Then, through the darkness, I saw her coming towards me.

She came and said, "Why are you sitting here? Come, sleep."

I didn't answer.

She paused a bit and then said, "Say what you want to. After all these years, I must know what is in your mind. If knowingly or unknowingly I have done something wrong, I am really sorry and must try and correct me."

Again, I had nothing to say. I shook my head obstinately, but she again repeated herself urging me to speak on. I asked her to sit down but she kept standing.

Probal: 29 September; Friday; 00.15 am

I spoke. The darkness helped me because I could not have said anything while looking at her. It was terrible. I stumbled, more than once. I often mixed up time and place. Through embarrassment and incoherence, I finally said, "We have not been physically active since our marriage and I found you uncomfortable with this activity. We were so young, and I was, well, like a normal male, a bit more focussed on that. But, somehow, you kind of avoided it. It would either be some pain or me being rough or sometimes you would simply say, "It's so late" and I could never figure out the right time. Slowly, I realized that it wasn't a priority for you, just a chore. I felt angry; this was ridiculous. But the years passed.

Then, you made it up all by your excellent all-round skills that held our family like a rock. And during this time family, career, education of children took over our lives and somehow a normal husband-wife relationship took a back seat. So much time just passed, in a jiffy.

Our children were getting older and so did we. I developed diabetes and to my horror also developed something called erectile dysfunction or better known as ED. I failed in whatever little I could do a few months back and even you jokingly mentioned it. All of a sudden, I was the incompetent one, the dice had turned against me.

By this time, you had shot into a fabulous career and I was so proud of you. Slowly, I reconciled. You get some and you lose some. I was losing but the family was moving ahead. I was really fascinated by the new look wife that I had, confident and competent. The stigma of a housewife for 20 years was wiped out in one smart swish. Meanwhile, I had to move away from you on a transfer. For the first time, I felt that you should stay back and consolidate your position and your bosses were literally requesting you not to leave. We discussed it and we decided to be in two cities till I chucked my job.

In my new city, I had a new life; away from you.

I know you will never believe it, but I kept thinking only about you and I feel that you too felt the same. We spoke a lot and we both were lonely. Though I had some company and our daughter was with me, I still felt lonely. Thinking only about the wife! Imagine, what a joke, while this city had such opportunities!!

Since I had nothing to do in the evening and our daughter returned late, I was mostly closeted with my laptop, surfing anything and everything. Slowly I understood that my problem was not unique. Both the problems that we were facing, lower sex drive for you and ED for me were keeping the medicos and the so-called sexologists financially floating.

I started a few things. First, I controlled my diabetes and lost weight. Then I met Das, my friend and shared my problem regarding ED. He was aghast and short of beating me up, he did everything. He put me on medications and immediately, I felt the change. The medicine brought in me a will to be young again and forget the miserable two years that had passed by. I thought of so many things to surprise you with. I took leave and took you to places. Only me and you. You responded and was maybe, a bit surprised. Pleasantly? I genuinely felt so.

Though we had lost our best time only some more was left, I felt a bit forgiven. But we needed to catch up. Then you came down here, permanently and we went out again. Just the two of us. It's there that I felt deep down that things were not right. Suddenly it dawned and I understood.

I finally grasped that you just don't enjoy sex. That's that. It's a matter of reluctance, though not a non-consent. I should have appreciated the truth long ago. Not all persons are similar, and everyone deserves that space which is entirely their own. I felt guilty. I was annoyed at myself for forcing you.

Since then, I tried my best to comfort you in bed. I stopped doing things that you don't like that funnily included a lip kiss. You enjoyed cuddling, foot massage, back massage and maybe a wee bit touching the breast; but only a bit. But the only thing I wanted was a little reciprocity in physical touch, maybe only a caress on my back, nothing more. I did express that casually many times, but you won't do it. Maybe, it appeared foolish. And today, I decided to tell all. And I am embarrassed and ashamed."

She kept quiet and then said, once again, "Anything else?"

I said, "No."

She slowly went back to her room.

I continued sitting, uncomfortable. Finally, I quietly entered the bedroom and lay down making efforts not to disturb her. Ahana was awake.

She held me in a hug and whispered, "You should have told me earlier!"

Probal: 01 October; Sunday; 07.30 am

Three days passed like a dream. We were in love again. The pain was gone, and the joy seeped through. Small things made a real difference and we both felt it. Early on Sunday, we were lying beside each other, contended.

"You know, I should have spoken about us much earlier? Speaking to each other help." I said.

She was quiet and then replied, "Maybe. But I already knew much of what you said."

I was surprised and for a moment dismayed.

"But, then... what?" I asked, incredulous!

She touched my face and said, "What's the point? Let be."

I insisted, "No, you must tell me."

She sighed and said, "We got married too young; without being aware of what lay ahead of us. And you were just not there when I needed you the most. You left me at your parent's place. It was a difficult life and I had to face so much non-sense that the romance of marriage evaporated quickly. Love for me became a joke. Whenever you would come on leave, your parents and your brother would demand full-time attention and you would give in. I don't blame you because you too were very young and not prepared to face strong personalities like your parents.

There would be so many complaints about me and you would get swayed. We would spend whatever time available in fighting and arguing. And soon you would be leaving. When two persons are fighting, do you think they would be physically attracted to each other? At least, I was not. Honestly, we have fought so much that poetic words like love, romance, trust, faith took a backseat for ever. I had to continuously balance my life between you, your parents, children and my relatives.

Yes. My relatives also. Many of them were eagerly looking forward to seeing my marriage fail because I had walked out of the house for you, against their wishes and what did I get? Did I get your support? All I got from you were sermons. You know that your mother told blatant lies about me which sometimes even you didn't believe and if you showed some doubt, then she would get all emotional and shed tears?

One of my major problems has been that I am unable to cry! And that has always made me the permanent offender. Even when we were older and more than 10 years into marriage, people were able to create rifts between us. You could hardly ever take a stand. I sometimes took and became unpopular.

In all these, the only thing that I was focussed on was to get some education. I gritted my teeth and passed on exams, one after the other. Again, it was so difficult and sometimes I thought that I would simply give up. Here, I got all your support and you were there for me. You relay encouraged me; totally. But, most of our relatives did not give me credit for my hard work. All they said was that this was possible only because of a supportive husband and well-behaved children. My achievements were nil.

On the emotional front, I was left alone. All of you made me feel just like a piece of young sensitive brat not happy with all the benefits that life had provided me. Even when my children did well in the school, someone would just pop up to say 'oh, the father is so brainy!'

Therefore, when you left for this new city, I decided to stay back. I wanted to see that if I could survive alone without your support. I needed to do this to get my confidence back that I had when I left my home for you. Thankfully, I am now much better prepared.

But, in this process, you are unhappy with me. Maybe, I have hurt you. I am sorry. But in all these, sex has been the last thing in my mind.

I would never have said all this, but you asked.

I was stunned. All the euphoria and all the happiness vanished in one swift statement. I felt like a criminal. Whatever I said three days back appeared so unjust and so pathetic. For the first time, I understood that ignorance was bliss because knowledge was catastrophe.

It was all lost. How could I repair the damage?

Trambak: 02 October; Monday; 11.30 am

Probal burst in through the door. I had again forgotten to bolt it. Damn!

He was the typical family man with a wonderful artistic wife Ahana and two bright children, a trifle more gifted than their parents. Probal himself was an academic person and was endowed with multiple talents. Overall, the family was 'the standard model' for all of us less fortunate. I was happy to see him.

My wife Adi had left for Rajghat to perform her Gandhian duties (homage to the national hero) and so I suspected had Ahana. They were colleagues in a large school.

Probal sat down and said without preliminaries, "Dada (big brother), I want to talk to you."

My wife seldom considered me fit for any discussion or opinion. Obviously, he was unaware of this secret.

So, I said with some confusion, "Me!!"

"Yes, dada. I am in tremendous problem. I need your advice. But, don't tell it to anyone."

I considered the condition set and replied, "Look, I cannot promise that I won't tell Adi. For the rest of the world 'mum is the word'."

He agreed and the dice was cast.

It was difficult for him to blurt out the facts the way he had barged in. He hemmed and hawed. Looked red and uncomfortable.

I tried to make it easy, by providing him a generously fortified drink.

I watched Probal carefully as he ploughed on with his story. It was so difficult for him to talk about those intimate details. His face registered embarrassment, pain, anger and many other emotions.

Finally, his agony was over. The story had come to an end.

He looked at me and said, "Dada, you don't know how I feel?"

I looked back at him and replied with honesty, "That's easy. You feel indicted!"

He seemed surprised by my choice of word. "Indicted?" He asked.

"Yes, you feel accused, charged, a prime suspect. Whatever you may think." I replied.

"Yes," He answered bleakly.

I added, "You felt miserable with the unfair treatment you thought you were getting from Ahana. You confronted her and accused her of being insensitive."

"I did not say that." He weakly protested.

"Whatever, the effect was the same and she realized and understood your point. She tried to undo some of the pain you felt. You were surprised by the ease with which the situation changed. Had you probed a little deeper in your mind, you would have appreciated that it takes two hands to clap!"

Probal looked miserable but I carried on with gusto, "Sex with you reminds her of older days and her mind refuses to accept it as an enjoyable activity. Duty? Yes. Enjoyment? No. Her mind conjures images that refuse to go away. Being only good looking or a hunk is not enough for a sexual act as we read in literature."

We kept quiet for a long time. Probal said meekly, "I feel like a culprit. I mean, I have been forcing her to have sex, against her wishes."

His face was assuming shades of darkness like a hill station during monsoon.

I was serious, "Look. You, like me, are the common household chauvinist that are found everywhere. We like cockroaches have a tremendous capacity to survive and spread sickness. What can a mere woman do to us? Nothing. Just forget it and have another drink."

"Dada, am I something like a marital rapist?" He finally asked.

"Nonsense", I laughed, "Dear brother, what you call a marital rape has given you two beautiful children and Ahana herself will be disgusted if you mention that word. Rather, had you been foolish enough to consider so and had no children, then both yours and her parents would have created such an uproar that both of you would have made major efforts towards consensual sex. That's the power of society."

Probal looked mildly relieved, "What should I do?"

I smiled brightly, "What can you do? Do you think you have any role in running the family? Leave it to Ahana and she will manage. Don't try to poke your nose into affairs you don't understand. And, I am telling this from personal experience."

I could see the sunshine returning on his monsoon infested face.

"Anything I should do further?" He pleaded earnestly.

"Three things. First, let's finish the bottle and have lunch.

Second, ask Ahana to pick you up, don't drive.

Third, she loves you like mad and so she has tolerated you for 20 years. Next time, try to recognize a hornet's nest before poking it." I suggested helpfully.

We finished the bottle before they were back.

End