The Nocturnal Me

1. Psychosexual

Akio's POV

On the last weekend of that year's Summer I had only the light of my phone's screen illuminating my bedroom. The room was in complete silence as if mocking my loneliness, and I felt turning on the TV to feel less alone would have the opposite effect. I had let go of enough shame and had enough desperation to finally make an account on a dating app. Since my teenage years I've been unsure of where I fall on the attractiveness spectrum. My adult conclusion is that I guess I have to be someone's specific type for them to be into me, but I still chose the pictures I thought were my best, which were a few ones where I wore no glasses. As I imagined, I had few matches. But I was immediately excited when the girl that intrigued me the most also liked me. She was a goth-looking white girl, whose profile stated she was 22 and that her name was Sofía. Her hair was dyed red and she also had nails painted red and wore red lipstick in most of her pictures. I risked coming off as unfunny by asking her something as a joke instead of saying a simple hello.

"So what's your favorite color?"

"Can't you tell it's green?" she said.

"You look great in red." I said, not knowing how to start off being serious suddenly "So I guess we go to the same college."

"Thank you. Yeah it seems we do." she said, then, before I was able to think of another thing to add to the conversation she asked "Are you Japanese?"

"Yes. I've lived in California most of my life, though."

"I've only been in the US since I started college."

"You aren't American?"

"I'm Mexican."

When I wasn't sure how to continue with the conversation I decided to ask her directly about what I wanted.

"Want to come to my place?"

"Yes" that was all she responded with, after a few minutes in which I was wondering whether I had ruined my chances with her.

After sending her my location, it took more than I had expected of my willpower to get dressed just to answer the door, but I did just in time. I did something that I must now laugh at. My father, believing that Americans all owned guns by default, had been telling me to get one for months and eventually gave me one. I kept it on my bedroom, but I went back to retrieve it when it landed on me that maybe it all seemed too good to be true. From the main door there was no way of looking outside without opening it, so when I heard the knock I opened it with my left hand while having the gun on the right, prepared to show it if I saw someone not remotely a young woman. On the other side there was the girl from the pictures though, with the same stoic expression as if she had been trying to get me to recognize her in a passport photo.

"Hey" she said, in a meek voice.

"Hey" I responded the same way, while putting the gun somewhere hidden while the door still kept my right side away from her view.

"Come in" I then said, and walked backwards to not turn my back to her. She did walk in but then just kept standing.

The apartment was so small that even just a few steps in, my bedroom door was almost in front of her, and she was in fact staring into it. I hadn't turned the lights on, but she could see it was dark because I didn't care to close the door.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing" she replied as soon as I had said it, and turned to look at me.

Until that moment I had neglected the idea that maybe she still had the lingering feeling I had before I opened the door. To me just seeing her face told me I was safe, but to her I could still be anyone. Her hands were holding each other.

"Do you want something to drink?" I went for the most unassuming and obvious phrase for having a guest.

"Um, yes," she said "Thanks."

She sat down beside the wall-mounted table that made my dining room.

"Do you like tea? I have black, white, green-"

"I like black." she said. "Um, with milk would be best."

"You seem a bit nervous," I said as the water was getting to a boil.

"Yes" she said. Maybe noticing she'd been saying that a lot, she went on, "Well, I'm... I do feel I did this all impulsively. I don't want you to think I regret it though, that's not what I mean."

"I understand." I said, trying to choose my next words carefully "As a child it was pretty difficult to be surrounded by people who didn't think you could belong with them."

Before saying anything, she looked into my eyes. Most of her face made an attempt at another stoic expression, but her eyes couldn't hide her surprise. I knew she wasn't talking about that at all, but she still knew what I meant as soon as I said it.

"It does feel lonely sometimes. Even when I know I have friends, they simply... They have other friends they like more. And well, I can't blame them. They grew up together, they can relate to them more, their parents are from the same neighborhood or at least from the same country." she looked through the kitchen window and kept that soft voice as if she was afraid someone would hear "And yes, there's a lot of Mexicans everywhere in California, but all the ones I've met already know how to be American, and it's as if... They didn't want to teach me, or something."

I started talking while I got the tea leaves into the strainer and into the mug with almost boiling water.

"I didn't have many friends in my teenage years either." I said "I hung out with other Asians sometimes, but there could be tension because some of them were Chinese and their parents didn't like the Japanese."

"Oh, I see," she said, and took the carton of milk to tilt it over the mug "You're really into tea, aren't you? Most people just have tea bags."

"Yes." I said, feeling myself smiling "I hope you like it."

"I do," she said after taking a sip "It's pretty strong."

"Yeah, I like it that way."

The room was silent but it was a comfortable silence. I only spoke later to ask something out of curiosity.

"So what are you studying?"

"Philosophy." she said "And you?"

"History. I guess we might have seen each other before."

"Well, my classes are from evening to night."

"Oh. Don't you feel unsafe leaving campus after class?"

She smiled.

"Yeah. I don't even have a car. So, how do you feel about History now?"

"You don't have a car?" I asked "You didn't just walk here, did you?"

"No. There are still buses at this hour."

"You should have asked me if I could come get you."

There was no smile on her face at this point. I was thinking of ways to release the tension I had built, but then I decided to keep going with it instead.

"Regardless." she said "So did you like History?"

"Yes" I said "I'm about to graduate. It's a lot of reading and writing, but it's very gratifying. It's different from just thinking deep thoughts and writing them down."

I was satisfied by her frown, so cute on her angelic face that it was difficult to believe she was genuinely angry.

"That's certainly not all we do." she said and crossed her arms, "You have to be able to know how to argue and how to spot illogical arguments, be critical of ideas and defend your own, and understand the thoughts of previous philosophers to have a solid ground for your own ideas and arguments."

"Almost anyone who studies the humanities has to do that though, don't they? And besides, what even is the object of philosophy?"

"Well, what's the object of History? The past isn't even real."

"Oh, getting deep here."

"We simply have memories and docu-" she stopped herself, maybe because of having recognized my tone and because my smile was difficult to hide "You're just trying to rile me up, aren't you?"

I couldn't help but keep smiling when looking at her suddenly calm expression that was now bordering on annoyed.

"Yeah, I guess I just wanted to tease you." I said.

I had lost all shame at that point but she hadn't. Her cheeks and nose reddened but she kept drinking as if she didn't notice her own face getting warmer.

"Do you want a kiss, philosopher?" I asked, and got closer to where she was sitting, a bit below the level of her face. With a hand on the table, I kneeled on the floor. The backs of her hands went to her cheeks, maybe to try and cool them down.

"Yes" she finally said with a whisper.

I left my hand on the side of her scalp and pressed my lips to hers. I felt her open her mouth slightly. Although it might have been done to breathe, I got my tongue inside her mouth. I did it slowly not to freak her out, and I found she let me touch her tongue with mine. I only separated from her to say something.

"How's that?"

She gave me another closed-mouth smile and said:

"Yes"

"Yes?" I repeated, then went to her neck and gave it a short kiss, the type that would have been chaste if given on the cheek. Then I parted my lips to kiss her throat again, and she moaned, still with her mouth closed. I kept kissing the side of her neck as she kept making short and soft sounds of pleasure. Then I started kissing her collarbone and getting closer to the chest.

"You're so gorgeous" I said, and got my fingers on the first button of her shirt "Can I see your tits?"

She took the button I had been touching, and said:

"I need to tell you something."

That wasn't a phrase I had been expecting, so I couldn't hide my slight frown from surprise.

"What's wrong?"

"It's not wrong." She said "I just need to tell you."

"Alright" I said, and stood up before she did.

"So" she started stroking one of her hands with the other. "I have this condition. It's something called a psychosexual disorder or something. And basically it means that... My muscles are really tight and I can't have penetration. It's like hitting a wall, so to speak."

"So... Wait, how?" I said while looking at the kitchen window, figuring from what little I knew of her that she'd be embarrassed to be looked at then "Do you feel pain when you insert a finger, for example?"

"Well, I feel a sort of burning sensation if I force it. But it's more like I can't insert it in the first place. It feels like forcing a finger into a muscle."

"I see" I said "And is there treatment of some kind?"

After this I looked at her, and then decided to sit down on the chair in front of the one she'd been on. She responded by sitting down again too.

"Well, I've been going to therapy." she said.

"So it's treatable, and I guess it's not from birth, since you said it was psychological?"

"Yes, it is psychological."

She looked at the floor after saying that. I wasn't sure how to respond to that.

"I understand" I thought would be the best thing to say, and pause before continuing "So you don't feel pain when you're just touched?"

"No" she said "But it takes a long time and I need to be pretty relaxed in order to get just a finger in."

I made another pause because I couldn't think of a way to hide my horniness.

"But if it doesn't work, it has nothing to do with being or not being aroused enough." she said.

"It's alright." I said "But do you want to have sex right now? Because I'm very good at licking pussy."

The sudden change in tone made her open her eyes wide and I had to smile again, this time suppressing some laughter. I was finding it a bit too easy to get to see her various expressions.

"Um..." she said "Yes."

I appreciated her honesty, even if it was because of the fact she couldn't hide the truth.

"Yes, you're horny?"

"I already told you."

"Don't be shy. Are you a virgin?"

"No" she said, no trace of pink on her face anymore "I was able to have sex before-"

It sounded like she still had to finish the sentence, but instead she stopped there. I decided that it was pointless to press on it and to even think of it too much myself.

"Well, regardless," she said, and in a softer voice close to a whisper she continued "Yes, I'm pretty horny right now. I actually really like oral."

With that I stood up and went to my bedroom, hearing her footsteps behind me. They stopped once I was inside.

"Come in."

She stood at the door and, while touching all over the wall, said:

"Where's the light switch?"

"Are you afraid of the dark?" I asked.

"No, I just want to be able to see." she said.

Immediately after that she found the switch and turned the lights on. Before I could say anything, she sat on my bed. I sat beside her and reached for the button on her shirt, but she went for it quicker and started taking it off. I saw a light pink bra and took the shirt from her grasp to undo the buttons quicker than she could. She threw the shirt on the floor when I was done, and was starting to take off the bra straps while I started kissing her neck again. Her response was a few more soft and girly 'hm's and 'mm's. Then I felt her breasts pressing against me because her pleasure made her put her hands on my back and press me against herself. I took a moment to look at them before I went in. By the fact that she looked away, I could tell she felt somewhat embarrassed about me just staring at them, but then I took one and licked her nipple.

"Kiss my neck more" she then said.

So I got her to lie on the bed by getting my hand on her lower back and she got her hair away from her face and neck. I only took her chin and started licking her neck before kissing it, and she got her hand on my head and stroked my hair. Her breathing was getting heavier and seeing her lips parted when I got away for a second made me kiss her lips again, and I didn't wait to shove my tongue inside. Imagine my surprise when she pushed my tongue out with hers and, with her mouth open, she stroked my tongue with hers.

"Ah. Horny girl." I said once we separated, as I grabbed her tits.

After that, I felt like taking off her skirt so I undid the button and zipper before saying anything. She just smiled at me and took her own socks off, making herself almost fully naked.

"Now I want to see this." I said as I pressed my finger along the shape her slit made through her panties. I knew where her clit was by touching high enough and seeing her pull her legs closer together as a reflex.

"You're so horny." I repeated, circling the clit with my finger.

Instead of taking them off, I got just a finger inside to feel and touch her clit. I felt a bit of hair and a wet spot further down, then I went up to feel her clit directly. I liked to not take them off immediately, just to get the feeling of doing something kinky, the way a pervert gropes a woman and, being in public has to keep her panties on and just feel her under them.

As soon as I saw her toes curling though, I wanted to take them off just to see what it looked like and to smell it more easily. While taking them out, I lifted her legs and kept them there, while I got my face on her thighs to kiss them and lick them. This caused her to make a sort of laughter interrupted by a moan. I was tickling her with my lips.

"Hah... ah."

I lifted her right leg enough to be able to kiss the back side of her thighs, close to her ass. She didn't seem too tormented by my teasing. Just to see her reaction, I took her ankles and kissed them, then the upper side of her feet. She had a smile still, I was thinking she saw it as romantic more than anything. Then I felt like shocking her instead. Still taking her ankles, I guided them closer to her head, giving me a full view of her asshole and cunt, except for the bits hidden by the lips. She looked down at where I was looking, like she could really see what I saw from her perspective. I started sniffing her cunt and then her ass, and heard a small gasp.

"What are you doing?" she asked, smiling but red.

I smiled back, pleased with myself for guessing her reaction.

"I like the smell." I said, keeping eye contact.

I felt the real desire to lick her, and I started with the lower part where her hole was, and even then I could hear her doing something between heavy breathing and moaning. When I licked her clit she pressed a hand on my scalp to stroke my hair again, and her moans were louder. Then I kissed her clit over and over just to lengthen the process. After that I spread her pussy lips to get a more detailed licking, and with just a slight pressing of my tongue on it, she started whispering:

"Oh, fuck."

I whispered something as well:

"I'm going to spread your wetness here to your clit. I'm not going to get my finger in." I said.

She nodded and I did as I said. I didn't need to get a finger in anyway, her juices had been spreading towards her asshole. With my wet finger I started touching her clit and she just kept moaning. I kept smelling her cunt.

"Oh my God. You're so weird but I love it." she whispered in a desperate tone, the kind she'd use to beg for more pleasure.

"You're gonna love this too."

With my nose right into her pussy, I got my finger off her clit to get a good grip on her legs again and give a kiss to her asshole.

"Fuck. Akio! No!" she shouted but made no motion to try to get free from my grasp, and her tone was playful.

The "no" was hot though, I can't lie. I couldn't answer because I just wanted to make her orgasm at that point. I kept licking her asshole and I noticed at some point she'd started to rub her clit with her middle finger. All I heard at that point was heavy breathing, but faster than I had heard it before. I started to show off and alternate between kissing and licking, when I was interrupted by her sudden loud moaning and her shaky legs getting forward towards me so that they could get down and be pressed together. She looked at me but immediately closed her eyes and spread her arms on the bed. For a few seconds I only heard her breathing from recovering, then she started speaking.

"You're so passionate, I mean... I would generally not like to say that there's people who are good or bad at sex, but this was a rollercoaster. I've never... Well, orgasmed from sex before."

"Oh?"

"Only masturbation, I mean." she said.

"I see. Well I'm glad I made you enjoy it so much." I said.

"Yeah, but next time I should return the favor." she said in a low voice, again almost whispered like she was worried the walls were paper thin.