- Non-Erotic Poetry
- Feathered Fiends
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Click hereThey live amongst us, counting heads
of children born to serve this day,
peasant women brought to alien beds
raised for armies in a distant fray.
Of children born to serve this day
destined to fight beneath another sun,
raised for armies in a distant fray
mastered before their life's begun.
Destined to fight beneath another sun,
pawns in a never ending captive string,
mastered before their life's begun
breeding to soar aloft on foreign wing.
Pawns in a never ending captive string
peasant women brought to alien beds,
breeding to soar aloft on foreign wing
they live amongst us counting heads.
- COMMENTS
It is unwise to chose a subject of which you appear to have little insight or knowledge. Poor vocabulary and lazy repetition (destined, fray, wing.) Oh, and sticking st on the end of among (twice) does not make you a poet. Destiny? Nobody is born to serve. Servility is a state forced upon people by others. The title is contrived and the verse matches. Listen to the words of Kate Bush's "Army Dreamers" (on Youtube) then re-evaluate your work.
I too don't understand the title but enjoyed the work... it reads better 2nd or 3rd time round
Creepy subject matter (which I love; what exactly is going on in your life at the moment! Are you like graverobbing in you free time?) but I think the title detracts. Given I know how hard this form is to pull off even passably, you got a 100 and a recommend.
I saw the children soldiers in Africa. There might be an argument for cutting down more, a few words here and there to help the metre, but overall I loved it, if that is the right way of saying it.
Brings up images of harpies in my mind. Even though other lines suggest sometheing else. Either way imaginative and in a form which suits the tone perfectly.
Ah I never remember which form it is unless I look it up, but it looks like a terzanelle to me. Either way I like the lyrical quality and, as usual, your touch with rhyme is delicate but sure. Of the theme I am somewhat confused. I think it's about carrier pidgeons (if I'm wrong well duh), but then who are the peasant women and who is counting heads? I have a feeling I don't have enough background info on the subject to really understand this, and that is my deficit, not yours!
.....in labeling this a Pantoum? My ability to recognise forms is poor but this fits the restrictions comfortably. It makes me think of any number of conflicts where children fight as adults and rape is used as a weapon. Just the fact that it makes us think is a point in its favour but it's a good poem in its own right.
Tess