- Non-Erotic Poetry
- Intruder
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Click hereFootfalls loud in the hushed halls
Breaking sullen silence
Dullard eyes stare hard
From their hiding places
The interloper the intruder
The disturber of the peace
Who walks so calm and sure
Back straight and chin cocked
Aware of the hate and fear
That surrounds and gathers
But smiles all the same
With that hellish impudence
Who would dare to strike out
Against this obvious oppressor
With promise of pain so aching
So clear so completely assured
Soon enough a scale will tip
A balance will shift and topple
And the air will stagnate fast
As the hated outsider is stopped
His path blocked by sweating flesh
By clenched fist by jagged tooth
And his smile will finally falter
When the situation sinks in
Promised pain delivered now
Just not by those who swore it
- COMMENTS
This one confuses me. I don't understand the jagged tooth metaphor, and more importantly I don't think the oppressor is as obvious as you may intend. I think it could be fixed with some word changes - but I cannot say, because I don't know what you intended.
very, very good, you know the reasons. Sustain, i.e. start breaking out of workshop mode. Small example "hellish" ish is generally a diminishing suffix, also a bit overused. Let's leave it as S1 very, very good, 5ed