When Sex Goes Wrong (but it's fine)

Author's note: If you're here for actual, good erotic poetry, you should probably look elsewhere. This poem is not high art.

This is a humorous poem combining several sexual mishaps that my spouse and I have actually dealt with once or twice during the years that we've been married, all rolled into a single, exaggerated encounter. My spouse found this poem hilarious, so hopefully you will too.

The rhythm is Iambic Octameter (I think, I've always been bad with official rules of meter.) Each line has 8 syllables, and some are undeniably a little clunky, but you can read it in rhythm if you force it. (I've tried to add commas to help, hopefully they will)

....................................................................................

The nude man walks inside the room,
It's freezing cold, just like a tomb.

In bed he spots his gorgeous wife,
His shining star. Love of his life.

She's safe and warm under a sheet,
He climbs on her with freezing feet.

She squeals real loud, then squeals again,
"Get your cold toes off my bare skin!"

"You're warm!" He says, "Unlike this room!"
"Now, time to put cum in your womb!"

His shaft's still soft, so he says, "Shit!
Hey Darling, will you suck on it?"

Her head nods yes, so he moves quick,
To put her mouth onto his dick.

He tries to climb up to her face,
But puts his knee in the wrong place.

It's now her turn to yell out, "Shit!
Your knee just smashed my fucking tit!"

"I'm sorry babe!" He says, and then,
Moves his cock towards her mouth again.

"Oh no!" She says, lust in her eyes,
"I think you must apologize!"

"I did!" He says, eyes wide with shock,
"Now please won't you just suck my cock?"

"No, that's no good! It turned redder!
You should kiss my titty better!"

He nods and smiles and moves back down,
She shifts her leg, then sees him frown.

He grits his teeth, his left eye shuts,
"Babe, you just kneed me in my nuts!"

"That's my bad, dear! But don't be mad.
I know it could not be THAT bad."

"IT'S BAD!" He wails, in agony,
"My balls have SENSITIVITY!"

"I'm sorry Babe," she says, "Then dear,
Please come and put your balls right here."

She grins and points, right at her tongue,
"I'm sorry dear... I know that stung."

Carefully, he moves in place,
Slides his penis, inside her face.

She blocks his eyes, so he can't see,
Then she gargles, "DHON'T LHOOK AHT MHE!"

"I wanna see! Your blow-job's art!
The blow-job is... the best damn part!"

"YHOU CHAN'T WHATCH MHE!!" She starts to grin,
Then slides his dick, real deep again.

He moans and sighs, and strokes her hair.
She treats his balls, with loving care.

"My jaw is sore, so that's enough.
Now cram you dick inside my muff."

He nods and smiles and crawls back down.
Cock wears her cunt-lips like a crown.

Plunges inside, then hears her shout,
"THAT'S WHAT I'M FUCKIN' TALKIN' 'BOUT!"

"Stick your..." He groans, with a loud *GRRRR,*
"...tongue in my mouth, and call me Sir!"

"Yes sir!" she says, "Now open wide,
I'm gonna stick my tongue inside!"

They lock hot lips. Her tongue slips in,
They French-kiss, and then they both grin.

She bites his ear and grips his bum,
"Hey wait! Did you already cum?"

"I tried my best!" With sheepish smile,
"Sorry! You know, it's been a while."

She sighs and says, "Round 2's later.
For now get me my vibrator."

He looks so shamed, but makes it clear,
"You know I fucking love you, dear?"

"I know," she smiles, "I love you too.
Now hurry up 'cause we're not through!"

The night is cold. Their love is strong.
And they'll be loving all night long!