All Comments on 'Brother, Sister Bonding'
by nip_slip
- 22 Comments
"It was a few days later that Josh's sometimes girlfriend had to cancel on there weekend plans at a local spa, Josh suggested we go together." It should be "their" weekend plans, and it should be two separate sentences. When they arrive at the spa, it isn't busy because it's the middle of the week; what happened to the girlfriend backing out on the weekend plans? This is why you need an editor. You have potential, but you need help.
"How can something so wrong feel so completely right?"
Because it's not really wrong. When two people feel the need for sex, and it's not betraying a relationship with others, what is "wrong"? It's only our mixed up minds that make it "wrong".
There is always nit picky people when we get a new author. Just take whatever they say with a grain of salt. Yes a good edit would help but I think you did a good job and should be proud of your work. So give us not so picky ones some more chapters.
Hey look at me, I'm anonymous so i can say whatever i want without people knowing my identity , I'm jealous of everyone else because my life is so pathetic, this is great work, you should definitely carry on this story :D
hot and flowed well....great love story and hot sex......what more do you want in a story...part 2 soonplease
Just wanted to say thank you for your comments, both positive and negative. This was my first attempt at a short story, sexual or otherwise so I was bound to have some hiccups. I will view comments for what they are, ways to improve.
Thanks
you have one hot story its really good and you should continue writing because you have a flair for this
I like that it's told from the girl's perspective, that doesn't happen much. Couple things though: 1) the bragging about breast size, dick size, hotness level is boring and makes the story feel less genuine. If you absolutely must tell us stuff like that, don't have characters brag to readers, just give them a situation where they actually have a reason to talk about it between themselves. 2) would like more characterization. We know literally nothing about these two other than their names, relationship and their measurements/age. Sex scenes are great and all, especially first-time scenes, but they don't make a story. This was 2 little flickers of backstory plus one good sex scene. Try to have more in mind for your characters than just getting them to coitus. 3) I'm really confused about exactly why the brother was just standing there naked to catch her. Maybe I misunderstood, but that seems really weird to me. 4) I may be alone in this one, but blowjobs are boring to read about. I guess, being a guy, I should just deal with the fact that I'm in the minority of the readership, but seriously, a blowjob is so anti-climactic after they've already had sex.
Don't get me wrong, the story was engaging and sexy. It just could use a few elements to flesh out the characters more and get a little restructuring to make the buildup feel more natural.
Is this your first attempt at any kind of writing? Or writing about this? Either way it was a very good first attempt. I agree. Too much emphasis on body part size. The story was good enough without adding that detail. And being told from her POV was a good change from some of the other stories in this genre. Keep writing. I'll read it.
This is a great story,plus it is well writen. You should finish this cliff hanger,Please!!
Great story! And Just to the other commenters ,it's a porn story, not an English essay
Keep up with this story line. We want to see more of them as their relationship develops.
This is absolutely amazing, I loved it. From the start to the end. Please continue this. I would love to read more of your work.
One would hope she's been on the pill for a goodly time before this happened.