- Non-Erotic Poetry
- Last in Line
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Click hereTo whom this may concern:
Here I am now, slowly fading away
and, I know how, to escape the day,
I’ve taken so many pills, just to make it go away,
Finally found the one that kills; got nothing to say;
I can taste the pain in my mouth, I am almost cleansed
I' m sick of all the images in my head;
so sick of wasting every ones time,
so sick of wishing i was dead,
so sick of being Last in Line;
I'm so sick of all this pain,
so sick of shoving it down inside,
so sick of going insane,
so sick of being Last In Line
Slowly embrace the shroud, as it floats me away,
everything is so loud, I can not understand a word you say,
Can not fight these feelings, everything fell apart today,
My wounds are not healing; I just go away,
I cant fake this anymore, Think I have found a cure
To whom this may concern;
I should be asleep on the floor by now, Be glad you didn't watch me burn,
To whom this may concern;
How many times do i have to die,Before you' ll cry,No more images in my head, Wont waste anymore time; Wishing I was dead, Cant feel the pain anymore,Close to sane as sane can be, but I am still; Last In Line, I still take my place; Last in Line
- COMMENTS
If you had used a quarter of the lines and words it might have had a greater impact, to keep repeating says nothing new. Next time try editting down and cutting out superfluous words
.....is a useful tool for poets and this is one agonised cry - so agonised the poet forgot about meter. Better to leave out trying to rhyme, write free form.
It's not clear why the protagonist is in such emotional pain apart from line 4/4. As a result (I think) of the writer's urgency the punctuation is very odd.
Didn't like it much but it's your first born so keep writing/
Tess
Well done! And forget the "good rule" someone is "giving" you. It is an idiotic statement. What you had to say not only belongs in poetry, it is poetry. Keep writing!
A good rule is, if you would be embarassed to walk up to a stranger and take this huge emotional manipulative dump on them, then it shouldn't be in a poem.