A Day in the Life of Angeline, 34

6:30 - Wake up, scratch vulva. Smell fingers.

6:35 - Shower, urinate in shower, hold breath while doing so. Desire to stay home instead of going to work.

6:48 - Study vulva in mirror. Remember what it looked like shaved last summer.

6:50 - Wonder what it would look like if again shaved. Hope new boyfriend, Alan, doesn't ask.

6:50 - Apply makeup, hoping that Brendan in Accounting will notice.

7:00 - Shave armpits. Recall that friend Kevin likes female armpits, legs, vulva, and buttocks hairy.

7:14 - Momentarily hold breasts up, call them by their names Monique and Babette. Weigh them in hands; kiss them. Wink at self in mirror; blush.

7:20 - Put on heels; ignore pain. Wonder why heels exist at all.

7:28 - Grab coffee, apple and energy bar, leave for work.

7:30 - Drive to work. Finger clitoris while in traffic jam. Smell fingers while sure that no one is looking. Check hair in mirror. Wonder whether it is attractive-enough to men.

7:31 - Fail to realize that judgment of women's beauty occurs mostly among other women.

7:35 - Extend analysis of nearby aggressive male driver to entire male sex.

7:40 - Pass gas out loud. Roll down window.

7:41 - Turn on public radio and listen to debate on foreign claims of U.S. imperialism. Synthesize competing views in head, arrive at conclusion.

8:04 - Greet secretary at office; wonder whether secretary is truly happy.

8:05 - Notice great ass on new personnel assistant. Compare to own.

8:08 - Attack pile of papers on desk. Consider junior year in college, when acting major switched to business administration major.

8:08 - Realize that acting rarely puts a luxury condo, an Infiniti, and a $60,000 salary in one's life.

8:08 - Consider acting in porn to make money.

8:08 - Contemplate a new dress that will grab Brendan's attention and put the new personnel assistant to shame.

10:00 - Wonder why self is in this ridiculous rat race. Realize that self really IS acting.

10:35 - While fielding boring business calls, squeeze thighs together and orgasm, imagining the clients are sexy men.

10:45 - While fielding boring business call from female, squeeze thighs together and orgasm, imagining the woman is licking pussy.

10:55 - Experience penis envy for a moment while preparing to sit and urinate.

10:56 - Experience embarrassment while urinating in employee restroom with manager of accounts receivable washing her hands five feet away.

10:57 - Wonder why embarrassment surrounds natural body functions.

10:57 - Wonder whether men feel the same way.

11:22 - Call boyfriend, briefly admire his career-driven nature. Discuss goals in life, analyze own feelings of disillusionment. Surf Web for interior decorating tips.

1:30 - During impromptu water cooler meeting, fail to express otherwise well-thought-out positions on Middle East violence, education funding, taxes, and Social Security.

2:00 - Plan trip to Macy's to ogle clothing that will only affect other women.

3:00 - At department meeting, wonder which male has the largest penis. Imagine riding it while being watched by department staff.

3:01 - Wonder which men have happy wives/girlfriends.

5:40 - Experience wetness in the drive home while thinking about the personnel assistant's ass. Fear possible lesbianism.

6:00 - Arrive home, walk past pile of books about how to attain happiness, shed clothes, put on sweats and t-shirt. Fart out loud.

6:20 - Eat packaged, lowfat supper of pasta and vegetables, followed by bowl of chocolate ice cream. Belch out loud. Consider getting a personal chef.

7:00 - Talk to Alan on phone, query him about climbing the corporate ladder.

7:30 - Call mother. Dodge issue of when self will get married. Sigh.

8:30 - Do paperwork.

9:00 - Watch Sex and the City. Conclude that characters are all vapid sluts, but envy them anyway.

9:56 - Watch commercial for Girls Gone Wild. Experience horniness, not at the sight of naked women, but at the thrill of sexual abandon.

10:00 - Have vague notion that own life has gone from carefree play to work-, appearance-, and status-oriented farce.

10:00 - Wonder whether any semblance of "real living" will enter own life.

10:04 - Dismiss Colin, boyfriend of five years past, who insisted that putting in a good heating system was as much an act of love as buying a diamond ring.

10:05 - Brood over departure of Colin, who also hated high heels, very thin bodies, fashion, and women who criticized their appearance.

10:05 - Fail to realize that Colin describes most men.

10:07 - Fret about appearance.

10:09 - Study naked body in mirror. Sigh. Decide to shave vulva out of conviction that Alan will prefer it that way when seeing it for first time on next date.

10:50 - Study smooth vulva in mirror. Admire softness. Experience feeling of selling out.

10:55 - In bed, scratch vulva. Calculate number of days since penis last touched it: 188. Vow that that number will not reach 200.

10:56 - Turn on vibrator. Fantasize about being ravaged by Brendan while passing instrument over clitoris. Feel guilty that Brendan is not Alan.

11:10 - Have moaning orgasm. See image of Colin at moment of climax.

11:15 - Pray to God for first time in eleven months. Fall asleep, snore, drool, dream about mountain of work that will never get done, quitting job in disgust, finding a blue-collar boyfriend, and living a rustic life with a size 14 body, no razors, a career in local theater, and a man who puts in heating systems.