A Love Story Ch. 01

I haven't even spent any alone time with Chelsea for a few weeks now. She refuses to stay late to see me, and she acts busy whenever I try to come in early to see her. I'm really pissed at her for the way she's handling our situation. Her avoidance is sending a clear message. We are done.

I hate that we're done. And I hate that it ended the way it did, but I guess Chelsea and I weren't supposed to be. I think I may invest more effort into Amy and see what happens.

February 15, 2002

Amy and I had an early Valentine's date on the 13^th. We ended up at my place and had sex for the first time! It was good. That it was only my second time made it even more amazing. I'll never forget Jennifer, but since it was the first time for both of us, it was clumsy. I was a lot more confident with Amy, which made the whole experience so much better. I'm still not sure if it's love, but if it isn't, it's damn close.

I'm not completely over Chelsea. There are times that I feel so alone without her. When I see her at the store, I get so angry with her for how we broke up.

Amy is making the transition so much easier for me. Allie keeps warning me to make sure I'm not using Amy as a rebound girlfriend. I don't think I am, but that doesn't change the fact that she is a girlfriend, and I am on the rebound. I'll have to pay extra attention to that because I don't want to hurt Amy. I really like her.

I have no idea if Amy is the woman, I'll spend the rest of my life with, but I want to explore the possibility. I thought that Chelsea was the love of my life and look how that worked out. I hope that Amy works out better.

I guess only time will tell!

Chelsea

My heart was broken. Tears were streaming down my face. I had no idea that Brad was dating, that he had slept with another girl, and that he was almost certainly over me. If only I had known that he was moving on, I would have left him alone. I'm conflicted now since I have the luxury of knowing what the next entry is probably going to be. In hindsight, I regretted the choices I had made back then.

I was drained. I didn't want to read anymore. I closed the journal, set it on the table, and let my sorrow flow. I had always thought that Brad had waited for me while I figured out what I wanted. I had no idea that he was exploring other possibilities, other women.

I dabbed at my tears with a paper towel the kids left on the coffee table as I explored my feelings. Now I'm angry and disappointed. Angry that Brad was unfaithful to me and disappointed in myself for driving him there. I know it isn't rational, especially after all these years, but how could he do that to me? How could he sleep with another woman after only knowing her briefly? He never had sex with me during the whole time we were together.

I had an 'aha' moment. I sat deep in thought. I wasn't angry that Brad had moved on after I made such a mess of our relationship, but I was jealous that he had chosen to have sex with another woman and not me. He should have wanted to be with me.

Why didn't he want to be with me like that back then?

All my insecurities, the past ones and the present ones, washed over me. In some way, I always thought I was better than Brad, almost too good for him, and that no one else really wanted him. I see now how wrong I was, or more to the point, still am.

And that brought disappointment. I was disappointed in myself for not realizing how much I truly loved Brad. And I was disappointed in him for not loving me enough to want me as a woman. Intellectually I knew that it wasn't true. I had just read about how much he loved me, how badly he wanted me, and how I had destroyed him when I turned away from him. Emotionally it didn't feel that way.

My brain and heart were hurting. I've been given a glimpse into Brad's feelings and thoughts from back then. If I had only known what I know now, I would have made different choices. I don't know if they would have been better ones, but they would have been different.

I knew I needed to get up early and my responsibilities would still be the same. I turned toward the bedroom and climbed into bed. My thoughts drifted off to better times with Brad as exhaustion overtook me.

Today was the same as yesterday, which was the same as the day before. Get the kids up, dressed, fed, and off to school. Go to work, flirt a bit, make a small penance to society and home just to continue being a waitress. Homework for the older kids, dinner for all of us, and bedtime. Then the same old routine all over again.

I saw that journal sitting there, taunting me. I didn't want to read it. I knew it held stories of good times, but I also knew that held stories of bad ones as well. I overcame my reticence, grabbed a glass of wine, settled onto the couch, tucking my legs up under me, and opened my window into Brad's life once again.

February 20, 2002

What a crazy-ass week! I had sex with Amy the first time, and when I thought I had it all figured out, Chelsea showed up at my door. I saw her through the peephole and wondered what in the hell she wanted.

I invited her in. Once she was inside, she attacked me!! We had crazy awesome sex right in my living room. I don't know what's happened but I'm not going to forget that night for as long as I live.

She told me she still loved me, that she only wanted me and that she wanted me to take her back! How fucking crazy is that!

After that, I thought about Chelsea every minute of every day. I thought hard about Amy, and I thought about Chelsea. I compared them thoroughly. I liked Amy, and I really liked having sex with her, but I decided I didn't love her. I had a date with Amy for Wednesday night, but I canceled it because I concluded that Amy really was just a rebound girl. What I thought was love was just lust. I realized that I was settling for Amy because Chelsea wasn't available. I realized that it's Chelsea I love and not Amy.

Allie's concerns turned out to be justified. Amy was a rebound.

Chels has been over almost every night this week. I'm planning to break it off with Amy next week. I'm with the one that I'm supposed to be with. Now I'm sure of it.