Edward's Girlfriend

Edward's new girlfriend was a total slut. This surprised him, as they'd met in church. Pew 32 of Lord of Mercy Megachurch, to be exact. They'd courted throughout Bible study and Bingo nights. Glances, giggles, holding hands. Feeling the Lord's presence when they looked at each other. You know, the exact things good Christian young men and women should do when they meet and get to know each other.

Anyway, Edward and Lucy had been seeing each other (in church) for six months before Edward had finally felt God's blessing to ask to see Lucy out of church. He asked her father, who okayed one movie at 7 in the evening followed by ONE glass of wine at the cocktail lounge on the pier.

Lucy lived in an apartment about three miles from her parents' house. Edward arrived at 6pm and knocked three times on Lucy's front door. She opened it wearing only a towel. This surprised Edward. While he and Lucy both shared an appreciation for Father Martin's sermon and subsequent lecture series on David, he thought they both felt the same way about the behavior of Bathsheba. And yet, here was Lucy. In a towel. Dripping wet from the shower.

"Sorry, Edward." She chirped as she sprinted off to the bedroom, "I just got out of the shower, running a bit late." Her door slammed as Edward looked around her apartment. The focus of the living room was a graphic piece of artwork depicting the salvation of Mary Magdalene. This perplexed Edward because, while Mary Magdalene's sinner to saint story stirred his soul, he thought Lucy agreed that the Mary, mother of God was the Mary worth of depicting in your living room.

"The things you learn about someone outside of church," Edward muttered under his breath as he peeked in the kitchen. Nothing of note he, he thought, smiling at the fluffy cherub dishtowels.

"Well, what do you think?" Lucy asked, coming up from behind. She turned quickly on her toes for him to inspect.

Edward wasn't exactly sure what he thought. He wasn't exactly sure of anything. He could hardly think.

Lucy was wearing tight, black, shiny pants that she must have peeled onto herself. Her hair was in a ponytail with curly wisps by her ears. She wore a teal tee shirt that squeezed her breasts into perfect apples with tiny raisin nipples poking out.

Edward was speechless. Only half because he didn't know what to say, the other half was unable to speak at all. A million thoughts raced through his head, but the main one was that this girl was a total slut. This was inappropriate. No woman should dress like this. And worse yet, her dressing like a slut had his body responding like he was one too. No, God no, he was not a slut.

"Edward," Lucy prompted, "are you ready to go?"

He made no noise or movement, as though suddenly struck with catatonia.

"Edward?"

Nothing.

"Ok, well, I'm gonna go grab my purse."

"NO!" Edward had finally found his voice. "Lucy, you are...you're a...you look like a slut. Are you a slut Lucy? I don't think so. You are not a slut. And you will not dress like one either. Go change, go put on your church clothes. Anything but what you have on now."

Lucy was stunned. She just wanted to look nice for Edward. She'd never been on a date outside church before and she read online that guys liked it when girls dressed like this. She couldn't understand what was wrong. Tears began to form.

"Edward! Don't say those things! I just wanted to dress nice...for you." Lucy sniffed.

Edward saw her tears and he knew she was a slut. Only sluts made men feel the way he felt when they cried and when they dressed like dirty whores. He was overwhelmed emotionally, he wasn't sure if he should run away or...or...

"Come here, Lucy." Edward demanded. "Bend over this chair." Edward knew that sinners needed punishment and he knew that Lucy was a sinner. He raised his hand, now a tool of God, and brought it *smack* on to Lucy's round bottom.

The impact of his hand sent ripples through her skin as she cried out in pain. Edward meant to stop at one.

*smack* yelp! *smack* yelp!

He tried with all his self control to stop but suddenly felt as though the Devil himself had wrested control of his hand and was using it in hellish retribution.

*smack* yelp! *smack* yelp! over and over.

Edward felt something building within him. He no longer knew if he was a tool of God or the Devil but he knew he was being rewarded.

*Smack* yelp! *smack* yelp!

"Oh...oh GOD!" shouted Edward as he ejaculated in his pants.

For a moment, no one moved.

A sniffle from Lucy and Edward bolted out the door, face bright red. She watched from her window as he got in his car and sped out of the parking lot.

Well, she wondered to herself, is that what the internet had meant by "these pants will drive a man wild?"