First Love

I had known her since she was a bump. Her mother had been one of the most beautiful women I'd ever seen and my first love. Now here she was, Diana's daughter, poised and elegant sitting opposite me in an expensive London bistro.

I met Diana when we were both just eighteen. Her parents moved to the small seaside town where I grew up and she joined my school at the start of the Autumn term. She was achingly beautiful and all the boys were awed by her. I was raised by a house full of women. My mother, grandmother, four sisters, dad and me. Six beautiful women in one house. So I was quite blasé about the female form by that age and that's what gave me an edge over my tall, handsome classmates.

I introduced myself to Diana on day-one and invited her to the school dance the following week. Quite how I managed to seduce the most desirable girl in the school is still a mystery. It certainly didn't make me any friends. But within a few weeks we were inseparable.

We shared our virginity with each other one sunny summer afternoon. It wasn't a great success but we were so in love that it hardly mattered. Both sets of parents must have known about it almost straight away but even if they weren't entirely happy about it they didn't make a fuss.

The next year and a half passed in a blissful haze. We made love constantly and still found enough time to study and pass our A levels with good enough grades to ensure we'd get the University places we wanted.

Unfortunately we would not be studying together, she was a gifted musician and writer. She would be studying at Leeds -- one of the premium music academies at that time. I would be going up to Cambridge to study physics.

We parted at the start of the autumn term with great sadness. It felt like I couldn't live a day without her. But of course I did. I plunged into my university course and lost myself in a world of mathematics and physics.

When we met on the first day of the Christmas break we could barely keep our hands off each other. We spent the absolute minimum time saying hello to our families then leaped into bed. She was rough and demanding. I had bruises and had lost some some skin when we finally took a break for tea. We shagged almost non-stop for four weeks. Our families were mostly tolerant and a bit amused -- apart from my younger sisters who were completely outraged of course.

As the end of the holiday approached she became withdrawn and sulky. Her love-making was as passionate as ever but her temper was short. She was no longer the lovely, sunny optimist of the previous summer. She talked about giving up her course and moving to Cambridge but I talked her out of it. I thought she'd never forgive me if she lost her dream to follow me. On our last day she was fierce and desperate as we made love. Afterwards she sat in my lap and cried and cried.

We met at the start of the Easter break. I knew immediately that something was very wrong. We made love that evening in my bed. She seemed almost not there. Afterwards we slept. When I awoke she was absent. I sat up. She was curled up on my easy-chair watching me. She was closed up tight, seemingly holding herself in. I knew then that somehow I had lost her.

"What's wrong my love?" She started to cry silently. Trembling as she struggled for self control.

"I've betrayed you!"

"You've been experimenting?" I suddenly realised that she'd been having sex with other men. That was why she'd changed. I felt very hurt and desperate at that point but I had to keep her. "I can understand if you needed a bit of relief but It needn't matter to us if we don't let it."

"I've fallen in love with someone else. I can't be with you anymore."

It seemed my world had ended. We talked for an hour and I knew for sure that I couldn't win her back. She was feeling very guilty and would never allow me to forgive her.

We tried to keep the worst of it from our parents. We had brought them together and they had become close friends. So I knew that Diana would always be present in my world and that I would have to accept her with her new man.

I saw her at the start of the long summer break. He was with her. He was older than her and had finished his degree. He had a position with a college in the US to teach music. She had quit her course to be with him. She was also pregnant. They married in a register office so that she could get a long-stay visa. No guests -- not even her mother. Then she was gone.

They were in the states for five months. But it "didn't work out" for him. So they were soon back in the UK, homeless and jobless. She took a job in a florist and he became a minor banker. She was just a shadow of the confident, radiant beauty that I'd kissed goodbye and sent off to University, full of hope, not much more than a year before.

Her daughter Catherine was born in December, she was as beautiful and sweet as her mother.

Over the next few years I saw a lot of them at family events. She and I became friends again and even quite close. But the passion had died in America. Her husband and I were never more than wary rivals. He knew what I had been to Diana and he was resentful and bitter. I never said anything to him about my love-affaire with Diana. That was private and I didn't want to share a moment of my memories with him.

He was suspicious of my motives and daily expected me to reclaim Diana for myself. I think I could have had I tried but I knew that, however that came out, Diana would be hurt. So I never tried -- I loved her.

The great joy was that I really got to know Kate. She had inherited her mother's intellect and humour to go with her stunning beauty. She was sharp and sassy in conversation. We had epic pun matches that left the rest of her family groaning in pain. I treated her as an adult while her father treated her like a doll and everybody else treated her as child. Diana looked on. She seemed pleased that I was close to Kate and never intervened no matter how vehement our debates became.

So it went for ten years. Diana at twenty eight looked weary and worn-out. Her husband treated her badly. Not violent but very spiteful. He'd started fucking around three years after they married and made little attempt to hide the fact.

Diana was sad and lonely when she was nudged into the path of a speeding car by a careless rollerblader. It took her two days to regain consciousness and two weeks to die. Her husband visited her in hospital once; while she was still unconscious.

Kate and I were with her when she died. We held her hand and cried together for a while. Afterwards I took Kate to her grandmother's. Her father was there. He got very abusive and told me never to see his daughter again. When I left, she was crying in Diana's mother's arms. I suspected that I'd never see her again. I didn't go to Diana's funeral.

Now here she was, buying me lunch.

I'd had an email from her inviting me to lunch at one of my favourite restaurants. Despite her father's disapproval she had come to visit me regularly since her mother died. She'd been living with my mother since her father pissed back off to the states the year after. Every few months she'd spend a few days at my London flat and 'do the sites' etc.. I'd pick her up from the station and take her home with me. Then I'd take her to lunch and put her on the train home. She'd had her own room in my London flat for years.

What made this visit unusual is that she'd initiated it herself. In the past she'd got my mother to make the arrangements.

This time was also unusual because it was only a few weeks since I'd last seen her at her 18th birthday party. She'd emailed me and made the invitation to meet her in the bistro for lunch -- very mysterious. As a late birthday present I'd had a spare key cut for the flat. I handed it over at the start of lunch and told her that, now she was an adult, she could come and go as she pleased.

She gave a little squeal and plastered herself against me in a big hug. The kiss on the lips that she gave me was not so chaste as I thought it should be and I broke away quickly so that she wouldn't notice the effect that she was having on me.

Over lunch the conversation was about her university application. Although she was herself an accomplished musician, she'd resolved to follow me into physics and she'd applied to my old college. I thought she stood an excellent chance of a place.

She was happy, relaxed and vivacious. She was so like her mother that my heart ached. I experienced a horrible rush of loss and loneliness such as I hadn't experienced since Diana's death. She saw it in my face and held my hand across the table while I fought back unexpected tears.

She spoke my name -- she'd dropped the 'uncle' the day her mother died.

"Alan -- I know this will hurt you but I need to talk with you about mother." I gulped. "My life is moving in new directions and there are things I need to do before I leave home."

"Yes, you're right. We should talk. You probably don't know how close I was to Diana once."

"I do. Mother talked about you a lot. She told me that if she'd been stronger you would have been my father. Before she died she told me about your love -- everything."

"Well, not quite everything I'm sure."

"No Alan. She told me everything. About your first time together and what a wonderful lover you are. She left me her diaries." I was a bit shocked -- Kate was barely eleven when Diana died.

"But you were so young!"

"Yes -- I was. But she knew I was capable of understanding and she knew she was dying. She wanted me to know what you were to her. You know she loved you to the day she died? She knew that your physical relationship could never be revived but she was so happy that you could still be close to her and that you never blamed me for her sins."

I couldn't speak. I held her hand tightly and shook my head trying to deny the pain of loss. The sudden realisation that, had I called, Diana would certainly have come.

"Yes. She would have come to you." She'd guessed where my thoughts were riding -- she knew me very well. "But she knew that you'd never get back what you'd lost and she admired your strength. It was your strength that kept her sane in the end. You gave her a peaceful death. And all the joy in her life came from you."

I pulled my hand away and sat back, wiping my eyes and blowing my nose. "I'm not being strong now."

"Yes you are. You have been my best friend all my life. You never tried to be my father or to undermine him in any way. You were her rock and now you're mine. You know I love you very much." So like her mother!

We sat in silence and finished the wine.

"Can I stay with you tonight?"

"Of course! Come and go as you wish -- that's why I gave you a key!"

She nodded with a slight sideways tilt of her head.

"I'm going away to college next year. I'll get my place I'm sure."

I nodded "I'm sure you will. You've never failed at anything you put your mind to."

"That's true. It'll come as a bit of a shock first time it happens but come it will. I just hope it's not today."

Now we were back on more familiar ground I was recovering from the emotional storm that she'd blown up.

"You wanted my help. What do you need?" She knew I'd do whatever she needed and we were too close for her to be bashful about asking.

"When I get to University I will meet a lot of new friends."

"Yes, of course." I was puzzled, she'd never had any problems fitting in socially.

"I'll no doubt meet a lot of bright young men and I'm sure many of them will fancy their chances of bedding me."

Whoa! Where did that come from? We'd always had a very honest no-holds-barred sort of relationship but this was definitely over the top.

"I'm sure you're right but I can't really help you here. Just trust yourself -- You'll be fine. If you need any advice you can talk to Beaty."

"No! I couldn't talk to your mother about this stuff! That would be -- very inappropriate. Anyway, I don't need any 'advice' as such. My problem is of a more -- ah -- technical nature."

I had no idea what was coming.

"Before I start dating. Before I get into the position where I might choose to have sex with a potential partner. I -- ah -- I need to lose my virginity."

I have to say I blushed. I started to splutter out some sort of answer but she stopped me. She leaned across the table and put a finger to my lips.

"Hear me out." I'd heard her say that a thousand times. She had what she thought was an unanswerable thesis and she wanted to present it for debate fully formed. I silently cursed the day I'd introduced her to Socratic dialectic. I sat back ready to listen and build my counter-arguments.

"You and I are the best of friends and you have shared almost all the key events in my life. The exception is of course my conception but we can both be forgiven for not being up to speed with that.

"We both know that you are an exceptional lover. Diana told me that, even with no practical experience, you had an intuitive grasp of the finer points of defloration. Her first time was one of the best sexual experiences of her whole life." Hmmm -- that's not how I remembered it.

"We are both of us adults and can place sex in it's proper social, emotional and reproductive context. Both as part of the cement of pair-bonding and as recreation. We are uniquely placed to tread the fine line between breathless infatuation and sport-fucking." I nearly interrupted her at that point but she slightly raised a finger in warning.

"I want my first penetration to have all the intensity that you and Diana shared with none of the sticky fumblings that I would risk with 'someone of my own age'.

"I have you as my friend, my mentor and my mother's dearest lover. I believe that you will be able to give me what you gave my mother without confusing me with her and without forming the same relationship with me as you had with her.

"When I first take a lover in University I want to be confident, knowledgeable and skilled.

"I ask this of you. Teach me how to have sex. Teach me how to enjoy a man. Teach me how to please a man. Take me as your lover for as long as you want.

"I believe that afterwards you and I can continue our love and friendship unbroken with even more trust and understanding -- if that's possible.

"I also know that although you seem to have had a healthy sex life over the past eighteen years you do not currently have a regular sexual partner. So there will be no breach of trust.

"That's it. Your turn."

I marshalled my arguments. To be honest I didn't really disagree with anything she'd said. As always her analysis was incisive. Her logic tight and secure. This was going to be hard to refute. I couldn't use the age-gap: she wouldn't even bother to answer that, she'd just laugh. I couldn't reject her for no reason -- that would be hurtful and cowardly -- she knew I couldn't do that to her. I couldn't use our previous relationship as a lever: she'd already disposed of most of the possible arguments there. It had to be the future: could she really contemplate just how sex would change the way she thought of me.

"Well first young lady" She smiled -- I'd just let her know how weak my argument was! "If you're going to be a scientist you'll need to stop 'believing' stuff!" She clapped her hands together in delight.

"Have you thought how you're going to feel about me after I've fucked you?" She did look a bit surprised at the crudity but just smiled and shrugged.

"If half of what Diana wrote about you is true I'll feel very, very grateful..."

"And what about the boys you see afterwards. Do you think they'll be able to measure up? If Diana was right."

She smiled at my implied superiority. "I really enjoyed that smoked-goose and black pudding starter today but I'll be just as happy with the porridge you cook me for breakfast tomorrow."

"Food does not carry the same emotional involvement as sex! it's not like anything you've experienced."

She held my gaze in silence until I began to feel a bit warm about the ears.

"You held me in your arms as we watched Diana die. My mother -- your dearest love. We held her hand together. Do you really imagine we could be any closer emotionally than we already are? Because I don't!"

"Well what about me? How do you think I'll feel when you fall in love and move in with some idiot that just sees you as an easy lay?"

"Ha! Don't worry about that Alan. I do intend to have an active sex life but don't imagine for a second that I'm going to be an easy lay! It's going to take an exceptional intellect to get into my panties. That's why I'm going to Cambridge!" I raised an eyebrow. "Well not the only reason of course! And if I do fall in love and move in with some exceptional example of the male of the species it will not in any way change my relationship with you. He'll have to accept that from time to time I come and stay with you. And when I do, and you're between lovers, I'll sleep in your bed. It'll be none of his business."

"And do you really think that will work?"

"I'm certain that it will work for me. You will gain a lot and lose little so I think it works for you. The hypothetical boyfriend will have to take his chances."

"I'll gain a lot will I?"

"Make no mistake mister -- I'm hot stuff -- potentially at least. Anyway, it's your job to make sure I am!"

We sat in silence for a while as I tried to marshal more troops.

She leaned across the table and whispered: "How hard is your cock right now?"

"Painful." I was in full retreat.

"Well. Re-arrange it a bit and let's get back to the flat so I can have a look at it." I did the eyebrow thing again. "I've never seen one 'battle-ready' so to speak. I'm curious!"

"Just as a matter of interest, how come? I had assumed that you'd been 'sexually active' for some time."

She looked thoughtful. "This might sting a bit... After hearing about what mum did to you and reading in her diaries what that did to her, I didn't want to risk falling in love until I was fully ready for the consequences. It won't matter with you because I'm already completely in love with you -- no falling necessary. But I didn't want to start something serious, with someone that I don't know, until I was sure I could handle it."

"And can you?"

"Ask me that in the morning."

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When we got back to the flat I was still intending to be firm and correct. To tell her that, sweet and tempting as she was, I couldn't take advantage of her. That she should find someone her own age. I never had the chance.

"Find a bottle of something nice Alan. I'm going to take a shower." and she was gone.

I could hardly deny her a glass of wine so I opened a decent bottle of South African merlot and waited for her to emerge. While I sipped my wine I thought back on that wonderful afternoon when Diana and I decided that we were ready to try full sex for the first time. I'd borrowed my mum's car and packed a simple picnic.

I was nervous of course but not about Diana's intentions. We had been discussing sex for weeks. We'd been a couple for three months and we'd both 'come clean' about our virginity. We'd both agreed that it was time to cross the bridge and we wanted to do it together. She'd talked to her mother and had got sorted out with a diaphragm. And we'd set a date.

I drove us to some woods that I'd known since I was a boy. After we parked it was a good two mile hike to where we were headed. A beautiful sunny glade where a couple of big beeches had come down in the big storm of '87. The deer kept the brambles down and there was plenty of space to spread out our blankets.

We'd planned to have a leisurely lunch before the main event but when we got there there was a tacit agreement that lunch would have to wait. I left the food and wine in the shade of a huge larch and we walked hand-in-hand to the centre of the glade.