All Comments on 'Julie My Fiancee'

Start with the basic truth, Mike2012! Your writing is painfully bad! However, there is substantial promise. The description (character development) of Sweetie is excellent. Eventually, the reader also starts understanding the Narrator-Hero (maybe you.). Possibly not liking 'Hero', but knowing him pretty well! Even her former lover and your Dad, brother, and buddies are clear and understandable!

Good character development is often missing in writing! Congrats in being able to get it done, no matter how many inappropriate PoV (point of view - 1st person 'I' or 2nd person 'you' or third person 'he or she' ) changes are there!

Also, try to write stories, NOT life histories! There are at least NINE stories nestled within this one title! Some will be trite! Others will have promise! Most readers in this venue don't want to read a novel! But even a novel has a main point the author is aiming at! You don't seem to be aiming at anything (except maybe how you screwed up with Sweetie by being a self-centered asshole like the guy she last broke up with!)

Last point ... this is a FICTION site! It is hard for me to believe many of the episodes in this tale are taken from your actual experiences, but they do NOT have to be! What they DO have to be is plausible (or believable.) Even if your Dad really is ShitHead enough to meet his Younger Son's Sweetie starting with a dirty joke, few readers will believe it is anything but the author's gross exaggeration to establish the 'shit-head-ness' of your Dad!

Thank you for your efforts. Contact a volunteer editor through LIT and I'll bet you make good progress on your next stories!

You show promise. But...

Quotation marks are a must. Also, you change the POV of the story in the same line, which is something you need to guard against.

And watch out for tautologies.

You will get there, but it takes time and a lot of practice. And editor might help.

Most comments (anonymous of course) can be ignored. So someone hated it but kept reading for 8 pages? Glad they have so much time on their hands! It was hot- write whatever you find arousing and ignore idiots. Easy to post a negative comment. Not so easy to write a story.

Bro I don't know if you still check these comments but these are the best stories on this whole site period. Your writing is great, the detail is amazing and the story lines actually make sense. I am always hopeful there is one more story everytime I come to your profile but alas am met with disappointment lol. Don't listen to these guys, people will hate. Would love to hear more, cheers to you Mike!

A bit repetitive, Julie always ends up with her ass in the air.

Also Ahmed, and his family, being Arabs, would have fucked her ass. They always do, as I know from experience.

If Julie has such a great ass, why has no one used her anally

Still a hot story, well written

Anna

Mike, nice story. One small writing craft suggestion--and I do this for a living--you might want to back off on the word "cannot." You use it a lot, and it's very interruptive in dialogue. It's basically a dead word. Go talk to about ten people and see if you hear it once. And don't confuse a more demonstrative "I CAN NOT believe what I just heard" with "I cannot believe what I just heard." Honestly, if you replaced every cannot with a "can't" you'd have such a more readable story. Take it for what it's worth. A friendly suggestion, nothing more. :)