- Incest/Taboo
- Mum's Hotel Ch. 01
- Comments
All Comments on 'Mum's Hotel Ch. 01'
by jd8406
- 26 Comments
Dr beulahthemick; Not a bad start, but you need an editor, there were several mistakes, spelling and missing words, for that reason a four from me.
There’s things called a period you use it between complete sentences there was one paragraph near the beginning without a single period I counted five distinct sentences so to summarize learn about the period and embrace it.
Please get an editor to correct the English and make the story flow. Otherwise a good story
You need to square away Mum, Jo, & Jill. You have them all mixed up as to who is who throughout.
It appears to me that Mum is Babs, Jo & Barry are brother & sister, and Jill is Jo's daughter. The timeline of their births is also muddy.
A good editor will also check continuity. The theme looks good but these issues detract from easy reading.
Decent start, and it could be good overall, but you desperately need an editor. Please get help and then resubmit.
It looks like Barry’s big cock will get a lot of action with all the very horny and very busty women in the hotel. I agree with Pepere, there are a lot of characters to get straight. Pepere seems to have them identified correctly. It took me a a while, but I finally think I sorted them out. Since all had huge tits and all wanted to fuck Barry, it was easy to get these buxom hotties mixed up! I look forward to the next chapter.
Good idea but you badly need an editor. The characters are mixed up to the point it is almost unreadable. You need help with English as well.
Also, sentence structure is a problem. Still, I managed to follow and enjoy the story.
I'm using my username for this comment rather than making it anonymously. I'm not saying this to be mean or a troll, or anything like that. I hope you will take this in the constructive spirit I'm intending. I would be more interested in this story if these issues are addressed but they start so early that I don't even have a chance to get pulled in before they distract me. They start at the very beginning and continue throughout... or, well, I assume they continue because I stopped reading even before I got to the middle of page one.
You need an editor. There are several different problems...
Tenses, keeping your wording matching the tense you establish in each sentence. For example:
"In this story there IS a lot of mother and daughter sessions." should be "In this story there ARE a lot of mother and daughter sessions." That reminds me, this is also the first mention of any daughters. If you are going to use an introduction or forward, you should give us as much background information as is helpful to step into the story and start letting it flow over us.
Another one is here... "I HAD worked in the hotel since I was ten years old. I WAS now eighteen and if my grades WERE good in my exams, I would go to university to study law in September." You are using the first-person present tense to tell this story so, be aware of what words are that match your tense. "I HAVE worked in the hotel since I was ten years old. I AM now eighteen and if my grades ARE good in my exams, I would go to university to study law in September."
You have a problem that I had when I was younger... comma faults that create over-long, run-on sentences. It can be tough to keep track of what the sentence was about at the beginning by the time you get to the end of it. Example...
"I wondered about what Tom had said about mum divorcing dad and the evidence John had; I knew mum and dad argued a lot when dad was home and that wasn't often I'd seen many pictures of mum when she was younger she was a beautiful, tall, voluptuous woman, dad had used Tom's hotel for meetings he had met mum there he asked her out, I was sure that mum saw him as a rich, handsome man, mum had got pregnant, they'd got married then I was born."
That should be several sentences. One of the things I had to learn was that wherever I planned to use a comma to extend a sentence would a period be better? A sentence should be short and self-contained, as much as possible.
"I wondered about what Tom had said about mum divorcing dad and the evidence John had[.] I knew mum and dad argued a lot when dad was home and that wasn't often[.] I'd seen many pictures of mum when she was younger[.] She was a beautiful, tall, voluptuous woman[.] Dad had used Tom's hotel for meetings[.] [During one of his visits] he had met mum there [and] asked her out[.] I was sure that mum saw him as a rich, handsome man[.] Mum got pregnant and then they'd got married [before] I was born."
So, one long sentence can become up to 8 short sentences. Also, what is the significance of his mum seeing his dad as "a rich, handsome man"? Was she impressed by that which caused her to date him, rather than be she found him charming or fun or whatever? Or maybe, yes, she knew that he was rich but she went out with him because he was (a) handsome, (b) charming, (c) he had a big dick? As it is it gives us some background knowledge but doesn't just get worked into the story.
SLOW DOWN!!! I don't mean you, I mean your story, specifically the pacing of your story.
His grandfather dies, devastating both of the women. That night he goes to help close up the hotel for the night and then suddenly he and Jo are French kissing. Develop that. What is in their thoughts, are there subtle touches, efforts at seduction, lingering over moments. You can make the story as long as you want, there are no limits to how long a chapter can be. So, if it takes you one or two more pages to finish a chapter but really helps reel your readers in then it will be worth the extra effort. As I said, I gave up with the kiss with Jo.
If you want readers (and good scores) pay attention to the CRAFT of writing. Also, do be afraid to go back days, weeks, or even years later and polish or add to stories / chapters you have already posted.
Poorly edited. Grammar is distracting.
Good start plot-wise but tiring to read.
Keep trying. Your effort is appreciated.
sorry but the plot is very similar to other stories and the grammar and punctuation are atrocious.
A disaster, could not follow. The same name for different characters? VERY CONFUSING, stopped reading before finishing first page. TERRIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!
This story has so many possibilities. Ignore the haters. You could use some help editing. Please do t stop writing or sharing
A tad tough to read S I kept getting lost in your run-on sentences. None to worry as the concept kept me going. Love the lushes tits, myselfm. On to the mnexr, yes? Okh, BTW 5*
Story is interesting but hard to follow as your writing is terrible. Your sentences run on and on and have several subjects and should be made into several distinct sentences with subject, verb and object, preferably in that order.
You desperately need an editor for grammar, etc as it is just too hard to read your writing as is.
Good luck in the future.
I, Agree with me I agree with the other comments. I like the way Story sets up. However, The grammar Is so poor That it is Off putting. Desperately need An editor To help with sentence structure! Other than that, I'm looking forward to reading the rest of the story!