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My Interview with Mr. Troll

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Coming to you direct from the Troll Hangout.
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My Interview with Mr. Troll.

Coming to you direct from the Troll Hangout.

Okay...there I was around 11:00 o'clock one evening cruising around in the Author's Hangout - reading interesting trivia - and all sorts of other good stuff.

Suddenly my computer screen just went completely crazy.

I mean, it went bonkers!

Jesus, is my monitor going? I wondered.

Before I could get an answer from Jesus, some words appeared on my screen that blew my mind.

"Hello there! I'm Mr. Troll."

I did a double take; but recovered in time to make a cool reply.

"Yeah, right," I said, "And other fantasies."

"You don't look very busy. How would you like an interview?"

"Yeah, an interview with who?" I snarled, warming up to the occasion.

He laughed, although maybe it wasn't a laugh - it could have been an audible sneer.

"Why with me, of course."

"And...just why are you giving me this dubious honor?" I asked.

"Because I have identified you and some of your fellow Writers as some of the worst culprits in Literotica. You made our work much harder when you run around high five-ing everybody. We just hate it when you do that!"

"Well...We're just trying to even the score a little," I explained. "So...Mr. Troll - This interview you want to give me. Just where would we conduct it? "

"Why, in the Troll's Hangout, of course...."

"The Troll's Hangout...? And just where is that?" I asked in complete disbelief.

"Sorry. That information is on a need to know basis - You don't need to know.

"Trust me - do what I say, Punch in on your keyboard what I tell you, okay?"

I'm getting a little leery about now, but I thought what the heck. Well...maybe, I used a stronger word than heck. So sue me.

"Punch in F4 * +1 -0 ," he directed taking immediate charge.

"And hurry it up - I need to get this interview over with, so I can some sleep. There's a new crop of stories coming out in the morning. I got to be ready."

"Okay...Am I in the Troll's Hangout yet?," I asked, feeling a bit uneasy.

"Yes."

"Then where are you? I can't see you.," I objected.

"Well, aren't you the ignorant one. Haven't you ever heard of Anonymous?"

"Yeah, that's the name you hide behind when you give us Writers those 1 and 0's.

Mr. Troll chuckled, "exactamundo. Trolls are always anonymous - you never see us," he added.

"We live here in our secret undisclosed location like...you know - that other fellow."

"Okay," I said, "Tell me...what's up with all those 1's and 0's? You know, you are just driving our scores right into the basement with those low numbers."

"Ah...Now you're getting the picture. I knew it. You Nandy Pandy Writers just can't stand success," he snarled, warming to his subject.

"You know," I suggested, trying to inject some sanity into the interview,

"There are other numbers - like 2 3 4 5 you could use."

"That's out. Us trolls only use 0's and 1's." he asserted.

"We're not familiar with those other numbers - what were they again... 2 3 4 5. That's beyond our intelligence. Besides - no matter how bad it gets - we plan to stay the course."

"Your very own version of "Mission Accomplished," huh?"

"That's right. You losers will be throwing us a parade and showering us with flowers - in no time at all."

"Yeah, well...we have a few choice names for people like you!"

"You certainly do. Boy! The mouth on some of those women writers," he said, complaining bitterly.

"And, you guys - you aren't winning any prizes for that foul language you use either."

"Hey, it's an erotica site, "I suggested, adding, "We have free speech - you know. So deal with it!"

"It's getting late," he replied impatiently.

"Can we move along to your next question?"

"Sure. Do you ever consider how long it takes each Writer to write their story and get it ready for submission? Don't you feel a little bad when you give them a 0 or a 1?"

"You Writers - you're always whining. You make me sick."

"Look!," he explained.

"I decide what score to give people. I am the Decider, you know. I get to decide."

"Yeah, right," I replied, "I'm pretty sure I've heard that somewhere before."

"Yeah, well...unless you have a plan to steal our 0's and 1's - Live with it!"

"Okay," I said, almost sorry now that I had agreed to interview him.

"Next question. Public Comments - How do you decide what comments to leave with all those low scores you give the Writers?,"

"That's easy. I usually leave a nice one-word comment. I like the word - boring - a lot. It has a nice ring to it."

"You call that nice?," I reply. "That's a damn insult," I said starting to feel slightly agitated.

"Well, of course... if I want to say something that's more intelligent - I'll say something like - Your Story Sucks."

"Yeah," I said, "I think I got that once. I thought your comment was so stupid since there wasn't any sucking going on in that particular story."

"Has anyone ever told you that you have a tendency to nit pick?"

He giggled uncontrollably, obviously enjoying my discomfort.

By this time, I'm really fed up. All I wanted to do was end the damned interview.

Then Mr. Troll did the only nice thing he'll probably ever do for me.

"Okay, Duddle," he said. Listening to his grating voice, I could almost imagine the sarcastic look of disgust he no doubt had on his face.

"You're out of here! This interview is over. Do you have a last question?"

Rude as trolls always are - he didn't wait for me to answer. I saw my monitor screen starting to go crazy again - I had only just time to yell...,

"Take your 0's and 1's and shove them up your A_ _."

Looking at the time on my computer screen, I could see it was almost 12:00 midnight.

I suddenly felt like tired old folks. I decided it was time to head for bed.

No one's ever going to believe this, I thought, as I got into my pajamas.

But for everyone who's ever had a Troll on their Tale.

I'm going to submit this interview anyway.

The End

Thank you for reading my story. I do hope you found it enjoyable. If you can spare the time, please don't forget to vote. Your vote is much appreciated, and your constructive feedback is always welcome.

  • COMMENTS
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19 Comments
AnonymousAnonymousabout 6 years ago
Not everyone...

...who leaves a 0 or a 1 is a troll. A lot of really grade-school stories and masturbatorily plagiaristic attempts at self-promotion deserve even less than a 0...

Not to mention the absolutely abysmal spelling - it’s frightening to find misspellings and incorrectly used words in stories where the author opens up by thanking a whole slew of so-called “editors” for their incredible efforts and massive assistance.

Talk about enstupidation of the masses...

AnonymousAnonymousover 11 years ago

boring

XyJonahXyJonahalmost 18 years ago
Cautionary Tale?

I'm new enough for the trolls to not have found me yet - though I'm sure they will.

And when they do, I know where to go (or come?).

Loved it!

AnonymousAnonymousabout 18 years ago
Blame it on "Anonymous"

Duddle:

I suppose there is some solace to be gleaned in writing and disemminating a tale with this theme. I am equally sure that it offers some therapeutic value as well. But overall I believe it to be an exercise in futility.

Most would agree that too many writers are the targets of unwarranted and inappropriate attacks from many readers. These denigrations usually are expressions of profound ignorance, rampant racism and extreme sexism. Many impugn the character of the writer and some even wish death upon that person. The initiators of such comments and sentiments are pretty much unreachable. Nothing written here is going to make any difference. It's ironic that their fervor to advance their mental myopia is so similar to the zeal for interlorance exhibited by the Religious Right.

Be that as it may, I do take umbrage to the blanket fault attributed to "Anonymous" in submissions such as this. I have never found it necessary to become a member here. I have posted many comments to many stories. Some were complimentary to the authors, some found great fault with their stories. I have seen many untoward remarks made by folks who have registered and have a "handle." It's been curious to me how that seems to make each said person a known commodity. As far as I can tell, most are not known in the 'real world' by that name which identifies them here. Further, I doubt if the vast majority would recognize any other if they were to meet on the street. It seems to me that pretty much everyone here is anonymous.

Not being a contributor, I cannot truly empathize with those who do. I can only appreciate their consternation, disgust and dismay in often having vileness and hatred directed their way. However, as with "Anonymous," there are writers whose submissions reflect little effort, much ignorance, intended polarization of readers and a pandering to the lowest common denominator. Perhaps sometime you could address those folks in one of your satires.

Philip

AnonymousAnonymousabout 18 years ago
Ha

This is just perfect for me today. Thanks.

blondiesheartblondiesheartabout 18 years ago
Damn Trolls

I loved this story! Your wit is great, darlin. And if anyone gives you a 1 or 0, you can borrow my blowtorch and can of hairspray *grins*

tipofyourtonguetipofyourtongueover 18 years ago
Bravo

"The narration crackles and pops with incendiary wit"

I always wanted to use that line...

Of course, you get double the brownie points if you're familiar with the reference.

Very tongue in cheek. A little piss and vinegar. I was thoroughly tickled.

FallingToFlyFallingToFlyover 18 years ago
"five-bombed"

You knew what I meant... I gave it the highest rating I could on the thermometer... and then realized that I had screwed it up in the phrasing. :p

FtF

AnonymousAnonymousover 18 years ago
*grins*

I love you, Duddle... awesome job. Five-bomb to head off the ones.

FtF

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