- Gay Male
- Thaw Ch. 01
- Comments
All Comments on 'Thaw Ch. 01'
by tac_naynwaffles
- 7 Comments
That was an attention grabber but not sure where the eroticism comes in!
You certainly got my attention. So the question is When do we get the rest. LOL
I really like this. I'm hoping we get more soon. I am wondering what he is and is Vincent a crush or more to him? What was his father doing? Where did he get these abilities? I look forward to more. This seems like a promising story.
I know the beginning had a statement and I don't know if you were attacked by readers before? If so, screw em. I know most authors I've known here deal with that. They are probably jealous that they don't have the talent and/or balls to post something. Constructive criticism and being an asshole are two different things. Don't let people like that get to you.
First of all good start to, what looks to be a great series. Loved the little surprise at the end, didnt know this story was going to take a turn into fantasy land that really cought my attention. Now it has me asking a million different question and wanting them answered a.s.a.p. So once again good start.
And as far as criticism goes, the only thing I would have to say is better character and setting details because for a sec I didnt know what charater was who and how they got from one place to another. You didnt tell us the name of the guy he likes until we got towards the end of the story and it was also unclear wether Vincent is his cousin or just a classmate. Also dont know how Vincent got from a field to the classroom. And one more thing be careful over detailing and/or under detailing a sentence.
Example- 'The ice in the room slowly evaporated into cool, pleasant air, leaving an open wound in my fathers chest that we could see the wall through.'
Just simplely saying 'leaving an opening in my fathers chest we could see through.' And even shorter, 'leaving an opening in my fathers chest.' Would have been a better way of wording that sentence. If you add to much to a sentence it just ends up being a mouth full. So next time you write reread your story out loud and see if the sentence and/or paragraph flows well to you. Also as the author you know where this story is headed and how the whole thing looks in your mind, but make sure your audience is albe to see it too. That what your writing makes sence to anyone else who's reading.
I'm not trying to be harsh or over critical because what your reading and my tone in real life is different. It's because I really do like this story and I dont want to see it put down (because there are really nasty and mean people out there who will do anything but give friendly advice) because of a few mistakes that are very much fixable and I know you can correct. But really great story and I cant wait for the next chapter to come out.
You know how I said that I was having problems?... Well, the shit has hit the fan. I won't be able to update my works for quite a while because I've gotten very sick somehow. I know, it's... Inconvenient. I feel horrible not being able to update, and I also feel horrible because of said sickness. I'll try my best to write while I'm gone, but... Yeah. Sorry.