Therapy V. 02

Hi, everybody. My name is Edge23 and I'm afraid of death. Which is funny if you think about it, because I know intellectually that it happens to everyone and there's nothing you can do about it, but there are nights when I finally falls asleep from exhaustion because the thought of death sends me into a panic attack. Which doesn't help anything, because then I worry about what the lack of sleep is doing to me, which just creates a vicious cycle.

My palms get sweaty and my heart feels like a jackhammer against my chest. I can tell I go into fight or flight mode, even though there's nothing I can do. My breathing gets shallow and my hands curls up into fists. Now if I just had something to fight against. I have to move to get the excess energy out of my system or I start bouncing around like an over-sugared kid on a pogo stick. My jaw clenches, which in turn makes my head hurt, which makes me angry.

I've been to counseling and we think we figured out what the problem is. I don't like being unprepared and I have no idea what happens after you die. Do you go to Heaven/Nirvana or Hell/Hades or Valhalla or Olympus or the Seven Heavens? Is it the Abyss or the windswept plains of Archeron? Are you reincarnated? Can you be resurrected? Is there a Purgatory that you simply wait in for something to happen? Or do you simply cease to be? I think that one frightens me the most, because I don't want to just 'not be,' you know? The others I could deal with, even if it's Hell. At least I'd still be around. Even Purgatory would be an improvement, though from what I've read, it can be kinda boring. But it's the not knowing for sure that cause the panic.

I was raised in a church and believed in God and Heaven and everything that goes with it. When I got older, I realized that church wasn't for me, what with various beliefs and doctrines, so I stopped going. I finally settled on that I believe that there is SOMETHING out there, but not 'God' as he/she was presented to me when I was a child. Some part of my brain just couldn't handle all of the crap that was served to me on the silver platter that was organized religion. So, here I am without something to believe in when, apparently, I need something. I've thought about medication for anxiety. I've talked to my doctor and read through the effects and side-effects. I don't think meds are the answer.

It's the worst at night. I go to bed, feeling very peaceful, and then something happens to trigger thoughts of death in my mind and if I'm lucky, I can get rid of them. Other nights, they stay there at the front of my mind, so that no matter what I think about or if I get out of bed to do something else, they're still there. Even trying to write doesn't help because I'm too tired to focus. Sleeping pills don't help, because I need at least ten hours to burn them out of my system. Even with a shit-ton of caffeine in the morning, I'm still groggy until about ten hours. Since I need that much time and I have to get up at 6:15 to be to work on time, that would mean taking them at no later than 8:15, which would seriously cut into the very, very small amount of time I get to spend with my wife. And believe me, that ain't happening.

Hopefully by getting this all out on 'paper,' it'll help the process. I can't imagine it can hurt. Just know that everything in this 'story' is rhetorical and honestly, I don't want to start a conversation with a complete stranger about his topic.

Maybe someday I'll get it all figured out and then the panic will stop. Maybe I should go back to church and pick up where I left off. Do churches give money back for tithes or the money spent on the white clothes for baptism? Somehow, I doubt it. They'll claim us even for saving my immortal soul or something. I didn't know my soul was worth about four hundred dollars and probably another twenty-five for the clothes. Can you eBay a soul? Now THAT would be a sale. But I'm digressing. Probably because I can feel a panic attack starting.

Thanks for listening. I hope this all helps. Wish me luck.

E23.