To Have and to Cuckold Pt. 03

BRIEF SYNOPSIS OF THE PREVIOUS CHAPTER:

THE PAST: Josh met a sexy woman named Mel in a nightclub. She turned out to be everything that Naomi was not. He quickly started developing feelings for her and they became close. In an unexpected twist, Naomi realized that she stood a good chance of losing Josh to this other woman. That potential loss made her see just how much she cared for him. She made him an offer that she thought he couldn't refuse. However, things were different than they had been. To her surprise and dismay, he not so gently refused her proposal.

Josh's elation was short lived. He found out that Mel's feelings for him were deeper than he anticipated. His conscience wore on him because he knew that he was now the perpetrator instead of the victim. He was now in Naomi's shoes. Deep down he knew that he did not - could not - love Mel, no matter how much he wanted to. His heart was already taken.

Eventually, he did the only thing he could do. He let Mel go.

THE PRESENT: With the help of his big sis, Josh begins to ascend out of the quagmire that he allowed himself to sink into...

TO HAVE AND TO CUCKOLD PT. 3

STILL IN THE PAST - May 2006

I may not have been in love with Mel, but it sure felt like a big part of me was missing without her around. When she walked out of my life (okay, when I pushed her out) it was like she took all of the fun with her. I retreated into my shell and stayed there for days.

I didn't even go to see Naomi to let her know that Mel and I were finished. Part of it was childish. I didn't want to give her the reprieve from her jealousy. But there was also a part of me that was wondering if I made the wrong decision. Of course there are many out there who would say, "Duh! Of course you made the wrong choice". In the end though, it wasn't really my choice to make.

You see, for me it wasn't a choice of Mel or Naomi. My heart made that choice long before I met Mel. The decision boiled down to me. What kind of person did I want to be? Was I the kind of person who would string a girl along that had feelings for me just because it made me feel good, knowing that I was in love with someone else? Would keeping her around hoping for the slim possibility that I could develop feelings for her be better or worse than setting her free to find someone who would love her and only her?

I did have mixed feelings of relief and jealousy knowing that Mel was the type of girl who would only stay single as long as wanted to be. Any man lucky enough to catch her would have to be a complete idiot to let her go.

Me included.

Still, the questions lingered. Some of them I knew the answers to, others were elusive.

Could I have fallen for Mel if I hadn't met Naomi first? Absolutely.

Why did Naomi have such a hold on my heart? No fucking clue.

I didn't know then. I honestly still don't know now. I don't think I ever will. That's what's so frustrating about love. It isn't logical, but it makes perfect sense. It often hurts but it feels great. Craziest damned emotion.

"It is remarkable how similar the pattern of love is to the pattern of insanity." That Merovingian knows his shit.

After a few days of living like a hermit, I decided to go see Naomi. I definitely had to talk to her. Was I ready to talk about being exclusive? Not sure. But we needed to sit down and talk about something.

I didn't bother calling or texting her because I didn't know what to say. I just figured that when we were in the same room we'd figure it out.

I should have called.

When I got to her apartment, I knew something was wrong. I felt it. My ears didn't actually pick up the familiar sounds of her moaning until a few seconds later. Even through the door, I could sense what was going on in that apartment. Naomi is not a quiet lay.

I almost retreated and slinked away. Almost. But my rage started building up. I'm sure part of it was residual depression of Mel leaving, but I could not contain it. I balled up my fists and hammered on her door like I was the police.

I heard the activity on the other side of the door cease. There was a moment of silence before I heard Naomi yell out, "Who is it?"

I didn't even answer. I banged on the door again. The light in the peephole disappeared, which let me know that Naomi was looking out of it.

"Josh?"

The door opened and Naomi stood there in a bathrobe, which she held closed.

"What's wrong baby?"

I pushed past her into her apartment and laid eyes on a naked man sitting on her couch with a condom covered erection that stuck straight up in the air. The condom was glistening with what could have only been her juices. His forehead beaded with perspiration. When he saw me charge in he immediately tried to preserve his modesty by covering himself with one of her pillows.

Now my rage had reached epic proportions. I was pissed when I heard her having sex. Seeing the undeniable evidence of a naked guy that was still ready for action was a different thing.

I swallowed the urge the beat him senseless. I turned to her, and in a voice that I'm sure was menacing, told her, "We need to talk,"

Her eyes flashed defiance. Knowing Naomi, I shouldn't have expected her to shrink down in intimidation.

"Josh, I'm busy. You should've called."

My anger needed a place to vent. It was like steam filling an enclosed pot with the lid tightly in place. The lid was getting ready to be blown off.

I turned to him and said, "Dude, you don't wanna be here. Leave."

Had the guy not been in the awkward position that he found himself in, he might have posed a threat. But he was at three distinct disadvantages. The first was the amount of homicidal rage that I was feeling. The second was having him sitting down while I was standing, and the last being a touch of latent homophobia that is present in most straight men. No man wants to have to tussle with another with his balls hanging out.

Naomi stepped between us and held her hand out.

"Josh, you need to leave. We'll talk later."

This did nothing to calm my rage. Until this point, considering the level of anger I was feeling, I was being pretty calm. That was over

"WE'LL FUCKING TALK NOW!"

My voice echoed down the hallway of her apartment building. I'd completely forgotten that the door was still open. Neighbors started to open their doors and subtly inquire about what was going on in 312G.

"Steve sweetie. You better get dressed."

His face flashed with genuine concern. "I'm not leaving you here with this guy."

Naomi tenderly stroked the side of his face. "Don't worry. Josh isn't going to hurt me. I'll be fine."

He didn't look convinced. His eyes still scanned me warily as he weighed his options. I grilled him, daring him to make a move.

"Josh! You wanna talk. Fine. Go out in the hallway and wait for us to get dressed. Your only other option is for me to call the cops and have you removed!"

I knew she was serious, so I reluctantly went out in the hallway as she slammed the door behind me. Ten minutes later a sullen looking Steve strode past me using big angry steps and disappeared out of the building.

I walked into the apartment to find her sitting with her arms and legs crossed. Her eyes told me exactly what was on her mind.

"So you want to talk? Start talking!"

By now my anger had dissipated - a little. But I still had this need to attack Naomi. I took the seat across from her and leaned my elbows on my knees. I wiped my face with my hands.

"So you're still sowing your royal oats, huh?"

She sat there and smirked at me.

"Really? You disappear from my life for weeks at a time with that fucking bimbo. Then for the past, I don't know, two to three days you won't return any of my calls or texts. Now you want to show up out of the blue, kick my door in, and get angry that I'm not celibate?! Get over yourself Josh!"

She did have a point there. I could admit that to myself. But I was not going let her know that!

"Oh please! We both know that YOU of all people aren't going to be celibate!"

"FUCK YOU JOSH! In case you forgot, I wanted to be exclusive with you. But you had some need to rub that skank in my face, talking about psychoanalysis and exploding...whatever! YOU CHOSE HER! So why don't you run back to Miss Tea and Crumpets and leave me the hell alone!"

The mention of the day I threw Mel in her face squelched my gusto. It reminded me that I used her to exact karmic justice on Naomi. I didn't really intend it for that purpose, but that's what happened. Images of Mel crying on my doorstep let me know that I was not an innocent party in this heartbreak drama.

"Mel and I broke up."

I looked up at her expectantly. I don't know what I expected. Remorse. Sympathy. Maybe a little empathetic sadness. But she just looked at me, waiting for me to continue.

"You aren't going to say anything?"

"What do you want me to say Josh? I'm sorry? Because I'm not. That fucking British bitch wasn't right for you anyway." I then heard her mumble, "Probably wasn't even her real accent." The fact that she was jealous enough to get catty did give me pleasure.

"She's South African." I said, thinking for some reason that the correction was meaningful. Naomi looked at me like she wanted to lodge something sharp in my sternum.

"Big fucking deal. She's still a tramp."

Hearing her attacking Mel angered me. Of the three of us, she was the least culpable.

"Well, at least she didn't cheat on me."

"I never cheated on you either Josh. I was always honest with you. I told you from the beginning about who I am and what I want. You knew exactly what you were getting in to."

"SO WHAT NA!" I shouted as I stood up. She didn't even flinch. "Knowing is different than feeling. Knowing didn't stop my fucking heart from breaking!"

I didn't want to get emotional, but I couldn't help it. The feelings were there, buried very close to the surface. They'd been there for a while now.

"How do you think I felt every time you went out with another guy? How did you feel when I was out with Mel?" I asked her. Naomi sighed as she deflated. Understanding reached her eyes. I think that for the first time she actually looked at this from my point of view.

Slowly, she got up from the couch, came over to me, and wrapped her arms around my neck. She kissed my cheek and held me in a warm embrace.

"I'm really sorry Josh. Not about her, but about hurting you."

We hugged for a few more minutes, just enjoying the feel of each other.

"I've missed you baby." Her breathy whisper in my ear took away all of the pain that I'd felt. Her lips met mine. It started soft at first, but soon we were making out.

I started to try to lead her into the bedroom, but she broke the kiss when she realized my intentions. I was confused at first, but then I looked at the couch and remembered that not too long ago she was having sex with another man.

"Do you want anything to drink?" She changed the subject as she went to the kitchen.

I told her yes and took a seat on the couch. She returned with two waters and handed me one as she sat next to me. We both took leisurely sips as we looked at each other.

"Don't you even want to know why she left?"

"No. Not really." She said with a triumphant smile. She was enjoying this a little too much. I watched her take another sip of her water and marveled at how gracious and beautiful she was. I could tell that she knew that I was looking at her, but she didn't feel uncomfortable in the slightest.

"It's your fault you know."

"Really? How's that? How did I make little miss Tattoo run off?"

I paused because I was building up the courage to say what I needed to say. My heart was practically in my throat.

"She left because I couldn't fall in love with her. I...I'm in love with you."

She froze mid sip. Even from behind the water bottle, I could see her shocked expression. Time stopped for me. Seconds and minutes no longer existed. I realized that I wasn't even breathing.

Was this what Mel felt like when she whispered those words to me? God, what if Naomi reacts like I reacted? No wonder Mel was so hurt!

Naomi slowly put the water on the coffee table in from of us. "Wow Josh. I mean...wow."

I wanted to sprint out of there and throw myself off the nearest high point. Didn't matter what it was; bridge, skyscraper, a really tall fucking tree. I just wanted to end it all.

That is until she wrapped herself around me like an anaconda.

"I-I think I love you too Josh." She let go of me and sat back, looking into my eyes. "No, I know I do. I love you Josh."

From then on we were pretty much the stereotypical exclusive couple. I introduced her to my parents (that was an exercise in how much they could embarrass me in one evening). I met her friends (not happy that most of them were guys). But she introduced me as her boyfriend, so I was okay. There were a few shocked faces and jokes amongst her group; they often made references to me being the cowboy that finally broke the wild steed.

Naomi and my sister got really close. They even talked on the phone a couple of times a week. I found that a bit curious, but in a good way. It could have been that they were so similar that they just automatically liked each other, but I think that Naomi was the sister that Trina never had and vice versa.

You will probably notice that I mentioned nothing about Naomi's family. When we became close, I noticed that she never talked about them either. When I spoke to her about meeting them, she said that her parents were dead. I asked about siblings and she changed the subject. She clearly didn't want to talk about it, so I was left with no other choice but to drop it. Maybe I shouldn't have. But I was young, happy and in love. Delving into her past didn't seem pertinent enough to disrupt that at the time.

Another decision that shaped our future. Que Sera Sera.

I spent so much time at her apartment that it seemed only logical that we get a place together. At least it seemed only logical to me. She still had that ridiculous need to assert her "freedom" though. She didn't use it to have sex with other guys, but it was always a battle to get her to act like we were a couple. I had to constantly fight with her for the smallest expressions of love and commitment.

I do agree that things were moving pretty fast with us. For Naomi, it was warp speed. It was just that I was so into her that I was all in. She often put the brakes on and told me that we needed to slow down.

I don't know why I was pushing things as hard as I was. I think deep down I was trying to cement my place in her life. We had such a rocky start, and she was so hesitant about moving to the next step that I was a little insecure about where I stood with her.

Not to mention that she was the biggest flirt in history. But I knew that she was faithful. One thing about Naomi was that she was honest about her shit. I questioned her about her interaction with other guys frequently, and she was always upfront with me.

Was he flirting with you? Yes

Did you flirt back? You know I did.

Are you attracted to him? Yes. I think he's hot.

Would you fuck him? If it wouldn't hurt you, yes. In a heartbeat. But I know that it would hurt you, and I wouldn't do that to you.

Also, she rarely said , "I love you". These things always made me doubtful about us.

Remember, I was a perennial victim. Having a victim's mentality doesn't only mean that you tend to blame outside forces for your problems. It also means that you always expect to have problems; therefore, you create a lot of your own issues through self-prophecy.

My insecurity and her reluctance to make progress was a constant source of tension between us. We'd argue time and time again over these things. I'd attempt to move forward, she'd give a little but after a while pull the emergency brake.

I know most of you are wondering, why stay with her? If it's that hard to be together, why not cut your losses and move on?

Well, because it wasn't hard to be together. The stuff I mentioned were the only bad parts of my relationship with her. The good parts? Ah yes, the good parts. She got me in a way that no one besides Trina understood me. It was uncanny how she would always know exactly what I needed without me uttering a word. For instance, there was one time when I was extremely pissed off. I had no idea what made me so irritable. I was snapping at her about little things and I couldn't really figure out why. Finally, without a word, she just left. I was about to call her to apologize, but she returned 15 minutes later with a Snickers bar. I looked at her with a face that was clearly a question mark when she smirked at me said, "Josh, you aren't you when you're hungry". Those of you who have seen a Snickers commercial know what I'm talking about. We laughed for at least 10 minutes over that one. But I realized that she'd figured out that my blood sugar was more than likely dropping. Instead of just telling me to get something to eat, which probably would have started more arguing, she diffused the situation with humor, all the while giving me what I really needed.

That's just one story. There are many. We were good together.

I felt safe with her despite the fact that it would take a natural disaster for her to say those three words to me. However, she showed me in so many ways.

For one, given her "need" for freedom, the fact that she was willing to give it up for me was in itself remarkable. And in case you're wondering, she was faithful. Could she have been lying about it? Sure, anything's possible. But I don't think so. Naomi wasn't the kind of woman who felt like she had to lie about what she did. She'd always been up front with me and told me the truth, whether I liked it or not.

So she gave me no reason to distrust her. For those of you who feel that I shouldn't trust her because of how she was, let me ask you something. Would you want your significant other to judge you by who you are now, or who you were when you weren't together? For someone like me who has a "colorful" sexual past, the answer was easy.

After months of battling with her to get a place with me, I was at my wits end. To my surprise, she finally agreed that we should move in together. By this time I'd known her for a little over a year and a half, though we'd only been an official couple for about 8 months.

It was an adjustment for us, but I really think that the bigger adjustment was on her part. She was so used to being on her own and having her space that it was a real culture shock to be sharing with someone else. But I could tell that she was trying.

I did things to let her know how much I appreciated her, which always made her smile. I was a decent cook, while she was the take out queen, so I occasionally made sure that we ate something that was actually prepared in our kitchen.

Naomi would have episodes where she would get claustrophobic with me around. Everything pissed her off at that point. She'd snap on me about the smallest things; chewing my gum too loudly, laughing at stupid commercials, leaving the toilet seat up. Okay, that last one is apparently a legitimate gripe amongst women, but you get the picture.

I had learned her moods by then, so I knew when she needed space. I learned that the best approach to this was to make myself scarce by hanging out with friends. So I would make up some plans that I "forgot" to tell her about and disappear. She protested for appearances sake, but it was half-hearted.