All Comments on 'Intruder'
by Anitole
- 11 Comments
Great depth to this great story. It has mileage to go. Please do not keep us hanging for the next instalment.
Please keep writing this one! You've got potential for loads to come of this. Great start.
These are fragments of a larger novel that is still being edited. I will post the whole thing as soon as it's finished. Feel free to tell me what you'd like to see happen next.
Ok maybe I'm a confused blonde but one minute we're in a house the next at a party. Confusing. You're just teasing us huh? I really like it but don't like to be left this way. Great start . . . . so please finish. : )
Hey, those of you who liked this. The first book of the novel is availible. It is called "August: A Ghost Story"
You have a captivating touch with your story-telling. The only thing I could point out as a possible area to work on is that you started this one out with a 'in the present' activity, ie, the guy and his keys to the girl's house - and you never really get back to that.
As a result, it's a good read, but the story comes off as feeling like it was unfinished. If that is the intended effect, then you succeeded marvelously, but if that was not intended... well, there you go. Good job overall, though. I like.
You've got a good writing style, just needs a little editing with sentence fragments. The story was interesting. You started en medias res (in the middle) but never came back from the flash back. If you were just trying to make the two characters share a label as an "intruder" (her spying, his b&e) then you should repost this as a voyer story, otherwise, the next chapter needs to introduce who isn't human.