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Click hereon the edge long grass and dark
we're talk in clumps amongst a hundred cars
music pulsing through the pot smoke
the panel van next to my group rocks
but then there's a scream, crying
a frantic scrabble at the door handles
a girl emerges, tangled hair, missing her top
she keeps repeating 'electrodes in me'
the guys, enraged, shake the van,
try to look inside; the doors slam
the van backs up, almost over the battered girl
takes off, spraying gravel into the crowd;
the party just restarts.
(The one's a true story, every word of it including the electrode thing; random weirdness!).
- COMMENTS
Get the Hell out. oh, no that was a movie. Chip's right about the first two lines. The rest of it I waited for either the guy in the hockey mask, or Cheech & Chong to show up.
100
set up a mood, a rhythm, which is continued pretty closely with the following two lines. i hope you intended that phrase 'we're talk in clumps amongst a hundred cars' to be that as it makes for interesting and unusual perspective - clumps of voices ... i like that a lot!
i get the reason for an abrupt change in styling considering the shockingness of what happens, but i don't think this is quite where it needs to be yet. maybe small adjustments to that middle section might smooth out where i'm mentally stumbling, but i'm not suggesting it needs to be smooth there in itself - i can imagine the foggy surprise! maybe different choices of line breaks... it's close, but not right for me as a reader.
i suppose my real problem is that the beginning felt SO good, but then it began to read more like a report, and that end line is really weakened with using 'just'. imo, of course :rose: