Dawn of a New Day

It had been several months since I began my new job. After taking nearly 10 years to raise my children to an age where I felt comfortable re entering the working world, I found that much had changed since the last time I was employed. I'll give you a little of my background so that you can understand my story a better.

My name is Dawn and I'm a 30 year old divorcee with 2 lovely daughters. I met my husband less than 2 years after I graduated from high school. Having always been mature for my age, I chose a man quite a few years older than me, thinking we would have more in common than the younger guys closer to my age. Of course, I later found that this was foolish and flawed logic.

When Michael and I met, the newness of being in love carried us through the first six months or so. The 'or so' happened when I found out I was pregnant. I have to give it to him, he was a thrilled and devoted father. However, this it meant whatever dreams I had of having the career I wanted were momentarily obliterated. At first, I had mixed feelings. I was overjoyed at the thought of carrying our first child-the result of the love we shared for each other. On the other hand, I was a little less than thrilled at the thought of putting y life on hold. Eventually the joy of being the mother of Michael's child won out and I happily carried our first child to term. A few days before Christmas, our daughter Nicole was born.

When Nikki was 4 months old, I broached the subject of me returning to work. For the first time, I saw Mike lose his temper. HIs response was a resounding, "Hell no!" And he went on to explain that he didn't trust ANY daycare with his baby. He said that I was her mother and it was my responsibility to be the nurturer in our family. Inside I rebelled, outwardly I thought that I could placate him for the moment and try the subject again with him later.

Later turned out to be a year and a half. What made that year and a half a living hell was the fact that HE never stopped going out or living like a single man.

Why put up with it? I'll try tell you. I had never known another man besides him. I didn't want to be one of those women whose marriage had failed. I thought it meant something to be married to the man whose child I bore. There were many reasons at the time, but looking back I don't see one that could make me want to ever do it again. I'm not soured on marriage, just the thought of staying with a man for the wrong reasons. Anyway, back to the story...

The second time I tried to put the subject of starting a career to Mike was at breakfast right before Nikki's second birthday. I opened my mouth and had to rush to the bathroom before I could even get the sentence out of my mouth. I cried as I emptied the contents of my stomach. The only time I ever got sick in the morning was when I was pregnant. While washing my mouth out, I heard Mike enter the bathroom.

"Are you okay, Dawn?" he asked.

I glanced his way for a second. "What do you think?"

In my mind I was mentally tallying the number of days that I was overdue for my period. The days eventually turned out to be 2 months. I moaned and closed my eyes. "I think I'm pregnant again."

He let out a loud whoop and came to embrace me tightly. "Maybe this time it'll be a boy!"

I just stared at him. "I'm not ready to do this again. I'm just starting to look halfway decent again and I really want to start my career."

To this day, I'll never forget his response to that. He just brushed it off with, "Oh you're young, you'll have plenty of time to have a career when the kids are grown."

Prior to that day, I had never cursed. "Motherfu-!!!!" He smothered my response with a kiss then walked out of the bathroom to tell Nikki that she was going to have a baby brother.

He left shortly after that and returned late that night. All the time he was gone my mind turned over and over. Once again, I was faced with having to put my life on hold. Don't get me wrong. I love my children dearly and always have. But at that moment,. I felt completely trapped. I didn't want to lose my husband even though he treated me like a brood mare. I wanted my children to grow up knowing their father and mother and not have to deal with the difficulty of having their parents living separately. Though the more I tried to 'be reasonable' the less appealing it was than the first time.

The second pregnancy went easier than the first, but I began to notice things about Mike that I hadn't before. Honestly, other than work and sex, he did nothing to make our relationship worth maintaining. This was brought to my attention by one of the least likely people. His own mother. During my seventh month of pregnancy, my mother-in-law came for a visit.

Never known for restraint, her first comment was, "You look like hell."

I tried to smile as if she were joking, but she didn't return it. Having no one else to confide in, I told her how I felt.

When I finished, she was quiet for a moment and said, "The jackass is just like his father. He saw the hell I went through with that man and still turns out to be just like him."

I stared at her in bewilderment.

She sighed, and asked, "What did he say about the relationship between his father and I?"

I thought for a moment. "He said that you two were happy and he wanted a marriage just like it."

She snorted, "Bullshit! That man was the king of all bastards and if I could get away with digging him up, kicking his ass and burying him again I would."

I'm sure you could imagine my surprise.

"When he first brought you home to meet me, I was hoping he wasn't up to the same thing his father was by marrying such a young woman. His father did the same to me, hoping to be able to mold me into what he wanted and keeping me from having a life by keeping me barefoot and pregnant."

All I could do was blink.

"Stop staring at me like a damned owl, girl.Listen to what I have to say. I love my son...never doubt it. But I don't condone anyone doing wrong. I damned sure don't want to see anyone go through the hell I went through with that boy's father. If you intend to stay married, fine. But I suggest you get on some kind of birth control. If you don't, you'll be pregnant from now until the day you leave either him or this world."

"But Sadie, he told me he didn't believe in birth control."

She looked at me as if I had sprouted horns. "Is he your fucking gynecologist?? I liked you when I met you because I knew that you had a mind of your own. What happened to it?" Before I could answer, she continued. "When was the last time he asked you how you felt about having a brood of children? When was the last time he asked you what you want to do with YOUR life?"

I had no answer for her because we both knew he never had and probably never would. Feeling worse than what I had before she came, I lowered my gaze.

She caught my chin and raised it til we were eye to eye again. "Honey, I'm not telling you these things to try to make you feel bad, but you need to think about these things. I see a bright,beautiful young woman with the ability to do anything she wants in life. I just don't want to see you let someone, even if it is my son, take that away from you. If nothing else, think about that beautiful daughter you have. Do you want her to think it's alright to let someone run over her and dash any dreams she'll ever have to hell?"

Now she really had my attention.

She glanced at the clock on the wall and told me she had to get going. But before she left she gave me one last piece of advice. "Do something with yourself. You're too pretty to let anything and anyone bring you down to the point that you don't care about your appearance." With that, she kissed me on the cheek and left.

I closed the door behind her and went to check on Nikki. She was still napping as I mulled over all that Sadie had said to me during her visit. Walking absently into the bathroom, I stopped in front of the mirror. I barely recognized the person I saw there. My once bright and exuberant face had changed. I had dark circles under my eyes from the lack of sleep. The baby didn't keep me up much, but the many nights of waiting for Mike to return safely home did. Sometimes I waited up til nearly 4 in the morning. Like last night...

I remember asking myself, what's happening to me? What was happening to my marriage? What had happened to my ambition?

All three questions had the same answer...MIKE.

What to do...hmmm.

I gazed at my reflection again with a half smile.