Lessons for My Son Ch. 02

So you're still on board with this? You still want to make love to your Mother? You've had some time to ponder it, and I would imagine have had deep thoughts over it. Don't worry. You're going to make it and, even though it won't be easy and will have its ups and downs, I guarantee you that the journey will be well worth the work you're going to put into it. There are going to be times when you are discouraged at what you think is a lack of progress. There may be times when you get distracted, and put the whole thing on the shelf for awhile. There may be times when you get scared at what you are doing, and want to quit. There may be times when she blows up at you, and you're afraid. Stick with it. Always, always, keep your goal in mind. You are going to make love to your Mother. You may, as I have said, never reach the holy grail but, believe me, I think you will get very close and the journey will be mind-blowing. Tell me that's not going to be worth the effort.

Maybe one of the things that distracts you is another woman. You are going to date, aren't you? Don't worry about that, if you do. Your dating someone else will have no effect on your goal of loving your Mother. (But consider that phrase - we're already assuming you are "dating" your Mother. Is that not exciting?) She wants you to date others. She wants you to eventually find your soulmate, get married, and give her grandchildren. Now maybe you don't ever get married. She doesn't want to think that she is the reason for your not having happiness with someone else. If she were to think that, then that would be an unnecessary obstacle. We don't want unnecessary obstacles - you're going to have enough obstacles to get over, as it is.

OK, star pupil. We're ready for Lesson One. Got your pen and paper? Ready to take notes? This is a pretty short lesson, but it is probably the most powerful one we'll have. If you do this right, you will get things heading in the right direction and, from that point on, you'll just be enhancing the relationship that you will start today.

Attitude. Lesson One is attitude. I watch you as you interact with your Mother, and you have some changes to make. You are distant. You avoid her. When you talk with her, you are unanimated and speak in monosyllabic answers to her questions. You never engage with her on your own - every interaction is initiated by her. When you hug her, at her insistence, you are stiff and act like you hate it. She hugs you, and you stand a foot away and pat her back like you are either afraid to touch her or like you don't like her touch. You don't make eye contact with her.

So, this is going to be easy. Read the preceding paragraph again, and change all that behavior.

I could stop with that, but you know how I love to talk, so keep listening.

You come home only when we beg you, and you're not that far away. She thinks you are avoiding her, and maybe you are. Stop that. Come home when you can, because you have to be with her to make this work.

Become more animated with her. I know it's not your nature. I know you are naturally reserved and quiet. You're just going to have to put effort into this. When you walk into the room where she is, smile at her, make and maintain eye contact and act like you are happy to be with her. Make her feel that, to you, she is the only person in the room. Make her feel special. Again, just act like you're happy to be in her presence.

Talk with her. Have real conversations. Don't wait for her to have to initiate a conversation - you take the initiative. Ask her questions about her day. "Hi, Mom. How are you feeling? How was your day?" Listen to her when she answers, and keep that eye contact. Your words matter, but your eye contact will speak volumes. Make her feel special. Make her feel loved. When she asks you questions, talk. Don't give one word answers, but engage with her in real conversation. You're going to have to be able to converse with her as an adult, talking, not stammering like a teen-ager. At some point she is going to voice a powerful obstacle to where you want to go and if you are not able to converse with her on an equal basis, you'll go no farther.

You know how she likes to talk. Be prepared to listen, pay attention, and be interested. Be prepared, also, for her to attempt to control your life. You know how she always tries to control everything, and I know it has bothered you for a long time. She controls me because I allow it, because I love her. You're going to have to allow the same. I suspect that trying to escape from her control is one reason why you are so distant with her now. But that was before. What do you care if she tries to control your life, if you are going to eventually get where you want to be? At some point, believe me, you are going to be in control, and she will be putty in your hands. So just go with it. Make her happy, make her know you love her and appreciate her love, and you will benefit in the end - and if that means giving her some control, then let it be. Keep your eye on the prize, be patient with her, and visualize the look in her eyes the first time you two share an intimate moment. Yep. It will all be worth it.

When you're around her, watch her. Focus on her. When she stands up and walks away, watch her. Eyes on her, always. Be discrete when I'm around, but when I'm not around, eyes on. Believe me, women can tell when a man is interested, and a big part of it is that he watches her like a hawk. Ask any woman how she knew that a man was interested in her, and one of the first answers will be, "He couldn't take his eyes off me."

When you're home and I'm not around, be with her. Be in the same room. Don't be playing a video game or reading. Concentrate on her. You can't make any progress if you are ignoring her, but if you focus your attentions the sky is the limit. You don't want to follow her to the point that you're a pest, but be near her.

When you're not home, call her occasionally. Call sometimes at night when I'm there to talk with you, too, but call her at other times during the day when I won't be with her. The first time you call her during the day, she will freak out because she'll think something's wrong. "Nope," you tell her. "I just missed you and wanted to hear your voice." You have no idea how powerful that will be. Text her during the day, just to check in and find out how her day is going. You want to get her to eagerly anticipate hearing from you every day and you do that by letting her hear from you every day.

Texting, as you well know, is a powerful communications tool. If you call, it goes on for awhile. But texting can allow you to think about what you want to say and frame it exactly as you want it to be received. The message can be innocuous, but the fact that you texted is a message in itself. I think your goal should be a minimum of a morning text and an evening text. "How are you? Sleep okay?" "How was your day?"

Texting, never sexting unless she initiates it, and she won't. Your Mom is not like that, and think of the risk. What you say verbally is between you two. What you text can be between you two and the world.

Now why, do you think, am I suggesting you call and text her occasionally when I'm not there? Everything you do in this journey has a purpose, and the purpose of talking when I'm not around is to establish that you and she have a connection that does not include me. Calling and texting when I'm not there does that, it makes her feel special to you, it makes the point that things are now different between you and her, and it will begin to inject a sense of secrecy in your relationship.

Tell her you love her. Try it. "I love you, Mom." Don't wait for her to say, "I love you," and then you respond woodenly, "Love you, too." No. You say it first, and say it with meaning. "I love you, Mom."

Ask her opinion. Ask her if she likes the shirt you're wearing. Ask if she likes you better with short hair or long hair. Ask if she likes you better with a beard or without. That tells her that you care about what she thinks and that her opinion of your physical appearance is important to you.

Ask her help in things. Ask her to help you prepare a budget. That will require lots of time together alone, sitting side by side as she works you through it. You can touch her arm and leg to emphasize points. When she's done, give her a big full-body hug and kiss her.

Bring her gifts. Nothing big, just small I-Was-Thinking-Of-You gifts. The gift doesn't matter. What matters is that it signals that you were thinking of her. Tell her that you were out somewhere, saw the gift, and thought of her. Let her know that she's in your thoughts every minute.

So far, so good. That's pretty easy, isn't it? The more you do it, the easier it will be and, before you know it, you two will be chatting away. Don't worry if you feel awkward at first. You're making the gesture, and that will mean more that any clever conversation you might have. You want her to become addicted to your texts and calls and, believe me, it won't take long.

At some point, either now or in the next step, she is going to say, "I don't know what is going on with you, but I love this change in you." She may even ask directly, "What is going on with you? Where is this coming from?" Your response is important. You can't stammer and get all hesitant. Remember, you are showing her that you are a new man - a man in control. Tell her these words, exactly: "I have realized what I really want, and I've started the journey to get there." If you're with her when this happens, look her directly in the eyes when you say it. Don't worry if I'm there at the time. Focus on her. She won't know what you mean, and may ask more questions. "What do you mean? What do you want? What is going on?" Just tell her, "I'm not ready to talk about it yet." If you're feeling particularly bold at the time, you can say, "...but you'll be the first to know when I am."

You will have added an air of mystery. You will have piqued her curiosity. She will be dying to know what you are talking about. Down the road - way down the road - when you show her what you really want, it will be particularly powerful because you have laid this foundation. She may suspect already what you are talking about, but because you don't bring it up, she won't, either.

The beauty of this step is that you have done nothing you need to worry about. There can be no adverse reaction. You can't get in trouble with it. You are just engaging with your Mother, showing her that she is important to you, and that is all. You can quit now, and you'll still be a winner. You'll be making love, in a sense. You will have taken a step to make your relationship with Mom more loving, and closer. Giant oak trees come from small acorns.

So how long should this take you? Forever, my Son. Getting better communication with your Mother, making closer contact, and establishing your connection will be a lifetime job and an enjoyable one. Everything else will be based on what you do here, so why cut corners and try to rush the job? You can start it with a phone call or a text, but you have to constantly reinforce it. I can't give you a time schedule, but you want to dramatically change how you relate to your Mother and you want to cement it as a part of her life. You want her to become addicted to your attention. Everything is cumulative, remember, so you're always doing this even when you are incorporating something else into your relationship.

But you don't want to quit now, do you? You want to know what the next step is. You can read ahead so you have the whole picture in mind, but please don't rush it. Take your time. Remember the journey. The more time you invest in your foundation, the stronger the building will be. Do not think you can read this, call your Mom a few times, move on to the next lesson, and the next, and the next, and achieve success. If you rush it, you will screw it up. You will scare her, and that can be the end of what you want. Take your time.

The key principles in what you want to communicate to your Mother are: Love. Respect. Trust.

You want your Mom to know you love her. Not only do you want her to know you love her, but that the love you share is special and is unlike any other kind of love. She knows, even when you have been such a snit, that you love her. But she's unsure of how much you love her and whether it's real love or that you love her because you have to. You have to show her that your love is real and that she will always have a special place in your heart. I have to tell you that you can't fake this. You either love her deeply, or you don't. If you do, then show her you do. If you don't, then don't go any farther with this. You'll just make a disaster of it, and you'll hurt her.

Your Mom has to know you respect her, or this won't work. If, as you progress on this journey, she gets the idea in her head that you are just after a piece of tail, you're sunk. She won't like that a bit, and that's an understatement. She will be so pissed at you, that you'll take years to get back in her good graces. How do you avoid that? In two ways. First, you're not just after a piece of tail. You are taking your love for your Mother to a new and deeper level. You have to make her know that. Second, you show her respect. No matter how far you go on this journey, she will still be your Mother. You always must treat her with respect. However far you go with physical affection in private, you must never slip up and treat your Mother in public as anything different that your Mother, who you love. Never, ever, touch her inappropriately in public. Never. That will be a show stopper, for sure. When it's just you two, then the rules are different, but there has to be a clear line between public and private behavior. That's respect.

Trust. Think about what you're hoping will happen with your Mom. If you get that far, what do you think her number one fear will be? Yep. That someone might discover what you two are doing. Think of the ramifications. She would be ruined. You would be ruined. Everything would be ruined. If she decides to go farther with you, it will be because she trusts that you will always protect her, and will never say a word about it to any living human. She has to trust that you will keep her secret. Her second greatest fear will be that you will lose respect for her. Mothers are on pedestals. They are special. Your Mother, especially, is a paragon of virtue and has always wanted to act that way so that you recognize that she does things right. Show that she can trust you to be a responsible adult, a respectful son, and a loving partner.