My Interview with Mr. Troll

My Interview with Mr. Troll.

Coming to you direct from the Troll Hangout.

Okay...there I was around 11:00 o'clock one evening cruising around in the Author's Hangout - reading interesting trivia - and all sorts of other good stuff.

Suddenly my computer screen just went completely crazy.

I mean, it went bonkers!

Jesus, is my monitor going? I wondered.

Before I could get an answer from Jesus, some words appeared on my screen that blew my mind.

"Hello there! I'm Mr. Troll."

I did a double take; but recovered in time to make a cool reply.

"Yeah, right," I said, "And other fantasies."

"You don't look very busy. How would you like an interview?"

"Yeah, an interview with who?" I snarled, warming up to the occasion.

He laughed, although maybe it wasn't a laugh - it could have been an audible sneer.

"Why with me, of course."

"And...just why are you giving me this dubious honor?" I asked.

"Because I have identified you and some of your fellow Writers as some of the worst culprits in Literotica. You made our work much harder when you run around high five-ing everybody. We just hate it when you do that!"

"Well...We're just trying to even the score a little," I explained. "So...Mr. Troll - This interview you want to give me. Just where would we conduct it? "

"Why, in the Troll's Hangout, of course...."

"The Troll's Hangout...? And just where is that?" I asked in complete disbelief.

"Sorry. That information is on a need to know basis - You don't need to know.

"Trust me - do what I say, Punch in on your keyboard what I tell you, okay?"

I'm getting a little leery about now, but I thought what the heck. Well...maybe, I used a stronger word than heck. So sue me.

"Punch in F4 * +1 -0 ," he directed taking immediate charge.

"And hurry it up - I need to get this interview over with, so I can some sleep. There's a new crop of stories coming out in the morning. I got to be ready."

"Okay...Am I in the Troll's Hangout yet?," I asked, feeling a bit uneasy.

"Yes."

"Then where are you? I can't see you.," I objected.

"Well, aren't you the ignorant one. Haven't you ever heard of Anonymous?"

"Yeah, that's the name you hide behind when you give us Writers those 1 and 0's.

Mr. Troll chuckled, "exactamundo. Trolls are always anonymous - you never see us," he added.

"We live here in our secret undisclosed location like...you know - that other fellow."

"Okay," I said, "Tell me...what's up with all those 1's and 0's? You know, you are just driving our scores right into the basement with those low numbers."

"Ah...Now you're getting the picture. I knew it. You Nandy Pandy Writers just can't stand success," he snarled, warming to his subject.

"You know," I suggested, trying to inject some sanity into the interview,

"There are other numbers - like 2 3 4 5 you could use."

"That's out. Us trolls only use 0's and 1's." he asserted.

"We're not familiar with those other numbers - what were they again... 2 3 4 5. That's beyond our intelligence. Besides - no matter how bad it gets - we plan to stay the course."

"Your very own version of "Mission Accomplished," huh?"

"That's right. You losers will be throwing us a parade and showering us with flowers - in no time at all."

"Yeah, well...we have a few choice names for people like you!"

"You certainly do. Boy! The mouth on some of those women writers," he said, complaining bitterly.

"And, you guys - you aren't winning any prizes for that foul language you use either."

"Hey, it's an erotica site, "I suggested, adding, "We have free speech - you know. So deal with it!"

"It's getting late," he replied impatiently.

"Can we move along to your next question?"

"Sure. Do you ever consider how long it takes each Writer to write their story and get it ready for submission? Don't you feel a little bad when you give them a 0 or a 1?"

"You Writers - you're always whining. You make me sick."

"Look!," he explained.

"I decide what score to give people. I am the Decider, you know. I get to decide."

"Yeah, right," I replied, "I'm pretty sure I've heard that somewhere before."

"Yeah, well...unless you have a plan to steal our 0's and 1's - Live with it!"

"Okay," I said, almost sorry now that I had agreed to interview him.

"Next question. Public Comments - How do you decide what comments to leave with all those low scores you give the Writers?,"

"That's easy. I usually leave a nice one-word comment. I like the word - boring - a lot. It has a nice ring to it."

"You call that nice?," I reply. "That's a damn insult," I said starting to feel slightly agitated.

"Well, of course... if I want to say something that's more intelligent - I'll say something like - Your Story Sucks."

"Yeah," I said, "I think I got that once. I thought your comment was so stupid since there wasn't any sucking going on in that particular story."

"Has anyone ever told you that you have a tendency to nit pick?"

He giggled uncontrollably, obviously enjoying my discomfort.

By this time, I'm really fed up. All I wanted to do was end the damned interview.

Then Mr. Troll did the only nice thing he'll probably ever do for me.

"Okay, Duddle," he said. Listening to his grating voice, I could almost imagine the sarcastic look of disgust he no doubt had on his face.

"You're out of here! This interview is over. Do you have a last question?"

Rude as trolls always are - he didn't wait for me to answer. I saw my monitor screen starting to go crazy again - I had only just time to yell...,

"Take your 0's and 1's and shove them up your A_ _."

Looking at the time on my computer screen, I could see it was almost 12:00 midnight.

I suddenly felt like tired old folks. I decided it was time to head for bed.

No one's ever going to believe this, I thought, as I got into my pajamas.

But for everyone who's ever had a Troll on their Tale.

I'm going to submit this interview anyway.

The End

Thank you for reading my story. I do hope you found it enjoyable. If you can spare the time, please don't forget to vote. Your vote is much appreciated, and your constructive feedback is always welcome.