All Comments on 'Neighbor Gets More Than Lawn Mowed'
by hellcorp
- 28 Comments
First of all, this has nothing at all to do with incest. This should be placed in the third graders submissions category.
Your use of the third person narrative was unnecessary, at best.
Your grammar is atrocious. The syntax is something I would expect from a brain_damaged third grader.
And last, but certainty not least, why did you not try to make it sound at least a little believable? Ie, the ten inch cock and tits the size of basketballs...stick to your comic books, kid...reading them...not trying to write them.
The previous writer was a little harsh although he made some valid points. I never heard of anyone who had an 'outfit' just for mowing the lawn and the uses of tense were confusing. The best stories for me are those where there is some feeling that this could happen under the circumstances described and with this story i just felt it had no believability factor to it. However it was a first attempt so keep going, i am sure you will develop and improve.
It sounds like a dic TV show from the 50s and 60s, where the "star" commented on anything. I am being kind to your style which is ... umm, cannot find the words to describe it. Anyhow, your lost me when the 10" dick appeared. For a moment there I thought I was reading a self portrait
for only having read only half of this story. There were so many grammatical and spelling errors I stopped reading half way through. I usually give authors the benefit of being new, but seriously get an editor.
... the use of 'tenses' but also the way you slipped from "he" to "I"!!
See the 9th paragraph - "... He walked the mower to the back of the house." Then, three lines later "As I entered the house I noticed ..."
For goodness sake do some proof-reading - or find someone with some training in the English language to proof-read for you!
How do you go from third person to first person halfway through. Not to mention the atrocious grammar and badly written characters.
The other comments about changing tenses and perspective- those are all true. The comments about the grammatical and typographical errors- all true, too. The comments about the story lacking substance, sense and believability- truth. Add in the fact that this story falls under neither the Taboo NOR the Incest categories and you've got a real stinker of a tale. Seriously. I could write a point-by-point critical essay of all the things that are completely wrong about this whole thing and it would be longer than the story itself. If there was a way to make it so that I could down-vote this story, I'd do it in a hot second. It's that bad. Worse than bad, it hurt my feelings just from having read it. I feel personally insulted and affronted that it took my time away and I'm not much happier about the fact that I'm even taking the time to share my thoughts on it with you.
For ALL of those issues you should stop writing entirely, go take an English class, read some books (such as a dictionary), take a Creative Writing class and THEN (maybe!) take another shot at this.
to fill your time. You have no clue on how write a story that is not even close to being believable! If I could rate this story it would -5 stars!
This has to be one of the worst stories that I have ever read. It is appalling with pore grammar and speling throughout.
You need to learn English... but don't bother.... that story was total kids rubbish !
Not only is this a poorly written but totally unbelievable. I though it was a joke at first but it's plain terrible.
Me thinks you read too much porn...
Fucking junk.... just like the usual spam stories we get all week long. We get a few paragraphs of shit and they never bother to post again.
If at first you don't succeed--GIVE IT UP. This is clearly not your strong suit.
Why don't you stick his 10' dick up your arse and fuck yourself so must crap
Joe is average ..."with a 10" dick".... Good God, do they allow any rubbish on this site now.
Too many mistakes to bother reading past two paragraphs.
Yeah, right, 10" dick! Has it ever dawned on you that this is a site for erotic writings?? Is that a bit much for you? And you think bullshit about 10" dicks is erotic, right? What a fucking moron - - hell, I'll bet you're an Obama supporter, too!!!
When you proof read your stories, please print them out and read them aloud to yourself or have someone else do that. There are incorrect words being used along with other mistakes that cause the flow of the story to stray.
It's a good story and could be expanded upon!
Not trying to beat you up, but lift your talent!
straight to a 10 inch dick, that always shows a complete lack of imagination and stops me from reading on.