Pining: Forgiveness Ch. 21

My sister's wedding had been a cluster. I mean, the wedding was beautiful. My sister was radiant. Between Mother, Luke and my run in with Codey, the father of my miscarried babies, I felt like my heart had been put through the wringer. I feel so guilty. I shouldn't have gone. I ruined Salene's special day. The only bright spot had been Collin. It wasn't just nice that he had been there, but soul-saving. I glance at him over in the driver's seat and my bruised heart just expands—like, whoosh.

Because the emotions are just too vulnerable to share, I turn to the view outside. We've just crested the top of Santiam pass. It's night. The rain is like a wall. Dirty snow piled on the side of the road after Friday's storm, flashes by in half seen, wraith like drifts. The everywhere pines are virtually invisible.

An over eager driver races past us just as the passing lane ends. Water slams into the Pathfinder's windshield like the Pacific surf and drowns out Queen on the stereo. Twin points of red zig-zag as the driver hydroplanes.

"Fuck"

It's the first word spoken in more than an hour. Even I, as the passenger, can feel the slip as Collin tries to brake. The car in front of us stabilizes and zips away from us. I let out my breath. I turn back to the night shrouded, rain washed view out the passenger window. Somewhere out there, Mt. Washington pierces the sky. South of it are The Three Sisters, Pining and Cascade Pines University—home. I love the coast but after this, I might never go back. I'm ready to be home.

Silence descends on our little bubble of road noise and rainwater roar. Queen's Somebody to Love Me cycles onto the stereo's playlist. We drop elevation rapidly and my ears pop. The road grade levels a little, Collin slows and we take a right that I would've missed in this light. The road is narrow, twists like crazy and still has patches of slush left over from the prior storm. Collin slows more, but even at a crawl, it's a shortcut to the scenic McKenzie Pass Highway and, ultimately, Looking Glass Highway.

"Collin, what's your worst memory?" My worst memory is the miscarriage. This past weekend might be second place. That night at Sister's Exposed is right up there too. I cringe at the thought that had things been a little bit different, Collin wouldn't have been there.

Collin glances my way. "What brought that on?"

"This weekend."

He's silent a long time. I'm not sure he's going to answer.

"I don't know if this counts. I don't remember it all that well." He falls silent again. Outside, the rain has let up a little. On my side of the car there's some no-name cinder-cone hill blotting out the sky. It startles me when he says, "Launna leaving."

Launna was his mom. We'd been six. I still remembered. Flashes at least. I remembered holding him as he cried. I remembered being allowed to sleep on the floor of his room so I could hug him when he had nightmares. I remember his seventh birthday, how he tried to pretend he was having fun. I don't actually remember his mom. She was just another pair of knees.

Collin had changed after that. He stopped playing with girls—except me. I know boys will be boys, but he had liked girls, even then. Then he didn't. It was so sudden. I was scrappy. But I was also a girl's-girl. At least I tried to be. Heather was a girl's-girl and I wanted to be her. But suddenly I had to choose. Play with Collin? Play with my girl friends? It confused me. I'd asked why.

He'd said he didn't trust girls.

I'd said I was a girl

He'd said I didn't count. He'd said I wasn't really a girl.

That night I'd asked Salene if I was a girl. When she'd said, "yes," I'd asked how I could tell. I mean, I knew the answer. I was six—not three. But now I wonder if me not being a girl was why I could never get him to kiss me.

I turn my gaze to the man that had spent the last two days behaving like the best friend a girl could have—because, yes, I am a girl. My ego cautions me, but Collin was present for me. My heart was ready to trust again even if the man I'm trusting doesn't yet know he can trust me. I angle my body towards him.

"Thank you," I say. It's good to know we're not alone. It's good to know we can live through our pain. Collin's left wounds. Mine did too. Maybe someday we'll both heal. Maybe we'll help each other heal. Maybe we won't, but we'll live. I hope we live together—forever. I want this man, as my man.

His gaze flicks to me, but he can't afford to take his attention off the road. He looks relaxed but I know I'd be tenser than hamstrings during a forward fold in these driving conditions.

"For what?"

"For sharing. For being there for me."

He cocked a smile my way. It's a pained smile. I think he hurts for me. My heart softens even more. That's when I hear the roar. It's like a jet engine bearing down on us.

"Collin?"

Snow, volcanic cinder and uprooted trees flow like a tsunami across the road in front of us. The seatbelt arrests my flight into the dash as Collin stands on the breaks. The rising tide spreads. Collin slams the Pathfinder in reverse. A broken pine passes through the space we just vacated. Dirty snow flows around the SUV's wheels. The engine whines as Collin pushes the gears to their limits.

"Collin!" I scream. Another wave has piled across the road behind us. The Pathfinder slips driver's side. The tide is rising and it looks like the flow has reached the running board. I can't see them but it feels like my eyes must be half-dollar round. The car wobbles and lifts. We're floating—right into the pines on the far side of the road.

The engine compartment hits a tree. I'm thrown against my seat belt. The trunk rams into something, probably another tree. I'm thrown the other way. There's a sharp knock and a dazing pain as my skull slams into the passenger window. The car spins. We hit yet another tree head on. The airbag slams into my face. The back swings left and wedges against a monstrous sugar pine.

We're stuck. A slurry of slush, snow and volcanic cinder piles up around us. The jet engine roar drowns all sound. A root wad appears out of nowhere and slams into my door. The window fractures, but does not implode. The tide climbs over us and the ear numbing noise muffles, recedes and finally goes silent. Choked by its own exhaust, the Pathfinder's engine sputters and dies. We've been buried alive.

"You all right?"

Something's wrong with my head. It takes a moment to register that Collin's talking to me. I touch the tender spot just above my temple. It hurts. I'm going to have a lump the size of a walnut but I don't feel any blood. The only light is from our phones. When I bring my fingers down, I don't think they're stained red. "Yes," I say, in response to Collin.

He fishes his phone off the floor. Blue LED lights up his face.

"I've got one bar." He dials.

"Nine-one-one, what's your emergency?" The signal is bad and the operator's voice broken, but she's understandable.

"Our car was hit by an avalanche. We're buried."

"Any injuries?"

Collin looks at me. I shake my head. Nausea brews and I wish I hadn't.

"No"

"Passengers?"

"One. Myself and one passenger."

"Where are you?"

"Looking Glass Highway. About thirty minutes north of Pining. We were close to Black Crater when it hit."

"Names? Ages?"

Collin gives them.

"Okay. Help is on the way. Can you see anything? Any landmarks?"

"Nothing, the car is completely buried."

The operator asks some more questions. Collin answers them. They ask for a GPS location so Collin drops a pin. Rescue services try to triangulate. We stay on the phone, but eventually the battery dies. I'm freezing.

"Hey, you okay?"

There's so little light, but I can still see the breath misting in front of his face. I'm hugging myself and shaking.

"Cold." My off the shoulder sweater was not made for these conditions.

"Hold on," he says. He lays down his seat and climbs over the back. He fishes our bags from the trunk. We don't have a lot of cold weather clothes, but we do have more clothes. We layer them. At this point I'm cold enough that getting naked in front of Collin so I can get more clothes on doesn't even embarrass me. He has seen me stripping.

When we have as many layers on as we can fit, with socks on our hands, Collin moves over to my seat. We shuffle about until I'm lying atop him. He pulls a thin, crinkly space blanket over us.

"I know it doesn't look like it, but this is supposed to be able to keep us warm. I had it in the car in case I needed it as a throw blanket during a breakdown or something. I never imagined I'd need it for its intended purpose."

Careful not to bump the sore side of my skull, I curl up on his lap and tuck my head under his chin. Pawing at the space blanket with my socked hand, I pull the ridiculous thing up to my ear.

"Col?" My teeth are chattering so it sounds more like, "C-c-c-ol?"

"Yeah?"

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

I have to think in order to string words together. It's harder than it should be. "Do you remember sneaking into Rodrigo's garage?"

Collin hesitates. There's a drawn note in his voice when he answers. "Yeah."

"Do you remember the box?"

Collin shifts under me like he's uncomfortable. "I do."

"Why do you think I looked at those magazines with you?"

"I—" He's silent for so long I think he might not answer me. "—don't know. I thought maybe..." Silence again.

"That I was gay? Les?"

"But you're not. Are you?"

"No."

"Then why?"

"You kissed those magazines, the centerfolds, sometimes."

I don't continue. Collin's silent a long time. He jostles me. "And?"

"And I wanted to know what I had to look like in order to get you to kiss me."

I feel Collin's breath catch. "Kenzie—" His tone is mournful. "—I didn't know. I'm sorry. So sorry. For everything."

I play with the zipper of his coat. It's more windbreaker than cold weather gear but fingering it through the socks on my hands distracts me from the cold. "I don't want to die without having kissed you."

"We're not going to die. Help is on its way."

I've stopped shivering. I'm having trouble staying in the flow of our conversation. "I'm cold."

Collin shifts, jostling my head. It hurts, in a kind of distant way. "Here let me see if I can—"

"Collin? Would you kiss me?"