Secret Smiles and Three Little Words Pt. 41

"I'm here," he told her, his own voice breaking.

"You just worry about getting better," Marylyn told him. "I'll do the rest."

"I'll be waiting," he said softly. "I love you."

"I...love...you," she choked out. "Hopefully one day you will forgive me as well...you and Alex and baby Nora."

"Sounds like you have found some answers," Al told her. Her head began to nod.

"Yes," she smiled. "Now I have to find the rest of them."

"Take your time," Al smiled. "I can't run anywhere without everyone yelling at me!" This caused Marylyn to burst into tear filled laughter.

"Add me to that list," she smiled.

***

Friday afternoon, Alex helped her father into the front seat of her Mercedes. After making sure he was securely in she closed the door and Gavin opened her door and she climbed into the back with Nora. Gavin got behind the wheel of the SUV.

"Thank God!" Al exhaled. "I've never been so happy to leave a place like I am right now!"

The group laughed with him.

"Where to?" Gavin asked. "Home?"

"No," he shook his head. "Pittsburgh."

"What's in Pittsburgh?" Alex asked from the back.

"I told you once," Al laughed. "The Industry Public House, home of the Blast Furnace Burgher!"

"Sounds good," Gavin nodded. "What is it?"

"What is it?" Al scoffed.

"No," Alex said firmly from the backseat.

"It is only the best hamburger you could ever taste! It shouldn't even be called a hamburger...it should be called a gift of the gods!"

"No," Alex repeated.

"What's on it?" Gavin asked him. Ignoring her altogether.

"Oh man! Only the good things!" Al raved. "Start off with two thick slices of buttery toasted bread served with huge chunk of juicy beef covered in ghost peppers! Slap on a heavy dose of Sriracha sauce, tomato, sweet delicious pig dressed as bacon and top it all off with candied jalapeno!"

"Damn," Gavin gasped as he smacked his lips at the mere description of the scrumptious sandwich.

"Better order a pitcher of beer for that boy-o!" Al laughed.

"I'm up for it," Gavin told him.

"No," Alex said again shaking her head.

"Tell you what, one quick stop," Gavin nodded as he started the car.

"Where's that?" Al laughed rubbing his hands together.

"The funeral home," Gavin shrugged. "That way you can pick out your own casket." Gavin said dropping the hammer down letting him know there would be no trip to Pittsburgh. The tone of his voice going from motivated accomplice to that of annoyed doctor. "You have got to be kidding me right?"

"Thank you!" Alex said with a smile.

"Absolutely not!" Gavin growled. "You are on a strict diet from here on out!"

"Awe c'mon!" Al whined.

"No sir!" Gavin laughed. "Alex would kick my ass!"

"You aren't afraid of her are you?" Al asked him.

"You're damn right I'm afraid of her!" Gavin laughed. "Keep in mind, she has backup now!"

Al looked over his shoulder and saw Nora with her arms crossed over her chest like Alex.

"No hamburgers Grandpa!" she said firmly. "The doctor says so!"

"Doctors schmoctors!" Al said to her. "I thought you were on my side?"

"I'm with Aunt Alex, she says they are bad for you!" Nora told him.

"What does she know?" Al grumbled as he turned back around. "She is marrying a Blackhawks fan!"

"What was the score of the game again?" Gavin teased.

"I revoke my permission to marry my daughter," Al said with a smile.

"Take that up with her," Gavin nodded. Al looked over his shoulder at her.

"Yeah, not worth that tempest in a teacup!" Al laughed.

***

Sunday came and Jack made his way out to the pulpit. He smiled at everybody who was smiling back at him, thankful to have their priest back.

"Good morning," Jack said to them.

"Good morning," the said back to him collectively. He saw his poker playing partners, all there in support of him. Leaving their own church for one Sunday to support a member of the faith. Sybian was there as well along with the Bishop. It appeared all were happy to see him back behind the pulpit.

Looking around at all the smiling faces he saw her in the back of the church. Sitting where her daughter once sat in the beginning. He smiled at her broadly. He began his Mass.

"So," Jack said finishing up. "Where do we go from here?" The congregation waited.

"I guess I should explain my absence," Jack nodded. "I must admit to you, I have been lost."

"Not lost somewhere in Pennsylvania," Jack laughed. "But lost in here." He pointed to his head. "And here." He pointed to his chest.

"All of you know by now, the loss in our family," Jack said looking to where he last held Livy. "With that horribly painful loss...I lost my faith." He looked up to find the church hanging on his every word. His tears causing their eyes to tear up as well.

"What happens when you lose your faith?" Jack asked them. "You look for answers." Jack told them. "But where?" He held up his Bible and smiled. "Here?" he asked the silent group before him. There was a soft "Amen" from one of his fellow preachers. He smiled. It was not something normally said in the Catholic Church, but it was obvious that one of his fellow preachers was into his sermon.

"But this doesn't have all the answers like we were told," Jack told him dropping his hand. "Hell, it isn't even complete!" he said dropping the book on the altar in front of him with a soft thump for dramatics. There was a soft murmur.

"We pray," Jack smiled. "But what if, we are so angry with Him, that we can't pray any longer?" Jack tilted his head to the side pointing to the sky to indicate God. "An innocent child died right here," Jack said standing where Livy breathed her last breath.

"I held her," Jack said looking down at the spot. "She died in my arms." There was a silence that seemed to ring out.

"I gave her Last Rites. I gave her absolution!" Jack told the crowd. "My Bishop," Jack said pointing him out with a raised hand. "Might tell you that wasn't allowed. A mortal sin cannot be forgiven." Jack nodded as he returned to the pulpit.

"My shrink on the other hand tells me that absolution is basically some magic words meant to provide comfort. It's the Father, our Lord and Savior, that actually decides whether or not to grant absolution. The Righteous."

"And I'm ok with that," Jack smiled. "For we all one day, will meet our Father. I will pray over each one of you, I will grant you absolution...but I don't know for sure if you deserve it!" Jack said. "That I leave in the hands of God!" Another soft "Amen" rang out, this time more of the preachers and one or two of the usual congregation joined him.

"And we are ok with that...aren't we? In the end, we all meet God...we all will answer for our sins. Not I, nor this church nor the Pope himself can look into your hearts the way the Father can. And He will."

"Are you ok with that?" Jack asked his congregation. "Will you drop to your knees repentantly and beg for forgiveness for the way you lived your life? Or will you drop to your knees...thankful to be in front of the Father?"

"I will meet my Father with an open heart, with calloused knees from where I prayed daily," Jack smiled. "But I will meet Him with a clear conscious."

"Not because I'm a priest," Jack laughed. "I'm a sinner, just like you. No, I will meet God with a clear conscious because I have lived my life the way He commanded. I have loved everyone. I have forgiven those that have transgressed me. I have loved unconditionally with all my heart. As the Son commanded."

"Amen," the congregation said aloud more and more becoming moved with this addition to the Mass.

"Now I was about as lost and confused as any man could get," Jack told them. "I was shaken to my very core! My foundation! What saved me you ask?" He smiled. "The grace of God. He put someone in my path. Someone that was as lost as I was. Someone who felt as I had felt. Someone who loved as I have loved." Jack shook his head.

"Oh how I hated this woman," Jack told them, surprising them. So many had looked at their priest as above that. But Jack wanted to point out he was no better than them. That he could have the same emotions, the same sins.

"See, I unfairly blamed her for where I was. And there she was, right there for me to eviscerate with my hatred!" Jack hung his head. "What did I do?"

"I held her," Jack told them.

He made his way back to his pulpit. Jack stood there for a few moments. Just staring at the dark wood grain of the pulpit. Not saying anything, waiting for his composure to come back. Thinking of where to take this group that was hanging on his every word. He was proud that the Lord was again using him for His purpose. It made putting the collar back on worthwhile.

"I was reminded of the poem 'Footprints in the Sand'," he began again. "You all know it. In the poem it says the man asks the Lord when he was at his lowest why did God leave him. The Lord replies, I didn't leave you, it was then that I carried you. That is why you only saw one set of footprints."

"I used to think that was metaphorically," Jack told them. "But now I know better. For I saw my footprints...and I knew they weren't mine because I couldn't walk due to the fact I was so low! Then I thought of someone, someone so precious to me that it had me questioning this collar." Jack said pulling on it, admitting it all to those in front of him. Coming clean for the world to see.

"She too was at her lowest when we first met. But she was carried by our Lord and Savior, carried right through those doors!" Jack said pointing to the back of the church. "He carried her to this pew," Jack said standing next to it, remembering their first conversation here in this house of God.

"Then, when she needed Him the most, He carried her out the same way. Wrapped in His love, through those same doors. How do I know that?" Jack asked them. "I feel it here." He said tapping his heart. He walked back to the front of the church and stood there, surveying the many tear filled eyes in his congregation.

"Know this," he said finally. "All of us will meet the Lord. All of us will answer for what we have done." He shrugged. "But the good news? All of us will be forgiven, it only takes the courage to kneel."

"May the Lord love you and bless you," Jack said to them.

***

Jack shook the congregation's hands as they left. All telling him they were moved by his words. He thanked them.

"Mrs. Carson," Jack smiled at the elderly woman.

"I thank the Lord for you Father," she told him. "And I know that Livy is in Heaven as well." Jack looked back one person and saw Marylyn standing there...listening.

"I remember her coming into my home and helping me after my surgery," Carson said to him. "Good Christian woman, and I agree with you, suicide or not she is in Heaven...tells me she had a good mother!" Carson patted his hand as he held hers.

"How is that?" Jack asked as he watched Marylyn's lip tremble.

"Because she was thinking of others before herself," Carson smiled. "You only get that if you are raised right!" Marylyn spun and nearly ran back to the pew she had just left.

Marylyn couldn't believe the words she just heard. Someone thought she was a good mother? They would surely not say those things if they knew her. Not if they knew what she did to Livy. They would surely change their opinion. Her church ridiculed her. This church, did not pass blame on her. Even though they all knew her daughter had taken her own life. But none held judgement on Livy, none rolled their eyes or elbowed each other in silent disagreement when Jack proclaimed her innocent. Unlike her church and its preacher who thought she was a waste of time.

"Funny," Jack smiled as he sat next to her. "How one church looks on her as a good Christian woman, raised by a good mother...while another casts blame."

"I don't understand," Marylyn began. "If that woman knew me!"

"She would think the same," Jack told her. "Were you lost? Yes." He said definitively. "But like your daughter, the Lord carried you through my door, ironically He sat you in the first seat she sat in as well for her first Mass." Marylyn looked to where she was.

"In our church, the back pew is for the lost," Marylyn pointed out.

"How can you be lost, when everybody around you knows exactly where you are?" Jack asked her. "Open your eyes Marylyn, see where God has placed you."

"It's a place of love," Jack said putting his arm around her. "A place of salvation. A place where no one is lost and the back pew only means you have to listen harder, no judgement placed on you, no shame."

***

Jack awoke with a start. He smiled at her.

"Thought you had left me," Jack said swinging his legs out to sit on the edge of the bed in front of her as she sat in the chair.

"I'm never leaving you Jack," Livy smiled. "I will always be here." She whispered putting her hand on his chest. "And here." She said moving her hand to his head.

"I love you," he whispered.

"I know," she smiled. "I'm going to watch Nora for a while...but I will keep an eye on you." Jack nodded as she got up to leave. He didn't want her to, now he wanted her to stay. He didn't care if that meant he would be in pain for the rest of his life.

"Are you in a good place?" he asked her.

"No," she said softly. "I'm in a great place!"

"Thank God!" he gasped.

"No, thank you," she whispered back placing a soft kiss on his head. "Watch over my mom."

"I will," he smiled.

"See you on the other side," she said to him. "Work on your poker skills while you can."

He laid back down with a laugh, and didn't dream of her.

***