The Musketeers

I have enjoyed a couple of 'at the altar stories' and this is my attempt. In the lack of a Loving Fiancée category, I've noticed that they are placed in the Loving Wives section.

My twin brother Jamie and I were always with our cousin Matt when we were younger. We lived on the same Crescent. Even from being small, before we were allowed to cross the road, we were allowed to walk to each other's houses very carefully around the top of the Crescent. Our Mums watching us from our own front doors.

Our Mums were best friends; they were also sisters-in-law. Matt's Mum, Auntie Sue, was married to Uncle Fred--my Mum's brother. Unfortunately, when Matthew was 2, Uncle Fred died in an accident on his building site. Auntie Sue never really got over it. She never moved on. She kept the house just the same. She still had his clothes in the wardrobe. And his work boots in the hall. It was as if Uncle Fred had just popped to the corner shop and she was waiting for his return.

As time went by. It worried the family how she still celebrated their wedding anniversary and his birthday as if he was still here. Still buying him cards and presents he'd never open. Even Gran. Who was devastated to lose Fred, her only son, sometimes called Sue the professional widow. As a kid, I thought it was harsh. But I knew what she meant. I only had vague memories of my Uncle Fred. But from what I learned from my parents, he called a spade a spade. In fact, he called a spade a shovel. He would not have wanted to be remembered, but not in this way, not given a sainthood.

Matt was a year younger than my twin Jamie and me--the Three Musketeers, Jon, Jamie and Matt. Matt was never a third wheel. As close as twins can be, he was just as close. The only problem was that Auntie Sue indulged him and spoiled him. It was always

"Jamie and Jon, let Matt have it. He's only little. He's younger than you."

Of course, what she really meant was to let him have it because his Dad is dead. We always had to give in to him, give him what he wanted. We did too. We were placid boys and we wanted to look after our little cousin. My Mum gave in to him, too. My Dad didn't. He treated him as a third son, but Matt soon learned he had to do what my Dad said. My Dad was always fair. We always had the same, no more or less.

There was one day, though, when I overheard Dad in the kitchen--talking to Mum.

"I love Matt like one of our own, but he's a spoilt brat. Sue is doing him no favours. You have to love your kids, but other people have to like them. I try my best. But she's ruined him."

"Oh Ben, don't be like about that poor kid. You're the nearest thing to a Dad to him with Fred gone."

"I know. I love him, but he's not always easy to love. I breathe a sigh of relief every month when they have a weekend with Sue's parents. It's nice to have our two boys on their own. They're such easy kids. I'm so proud of them and never embarrassed by their behaviour like I am with Matt's. Sue needs to rein him in."

Sadly, Auntie Sue never did rein him in. By the time Matt was a teenager, he was overindulged, spoiled and fat. She could never say no to her little Prince. If she gave him a salad, he had half a buttered loaf and chips with it. At 18, Jamie and I both went into the motor trade, me as an apprentice mechanic and Jamie as a car salesman. For extra money, we ran a mobile disco at night: birthday parties and weddings. We did well. It was the novelty of having twins together too. Matt being a year younger, couldn't help until he was 18. In the summer before he went to university, Aunty Sue decided to visit her brother in Australia. She hadn't seen him in 20 years. We thought it was a good sign that she was finally changing her routine.

She asked if Mum would look after her not-so-little Prince. He was fine to be left alone in the house as long as they kept an eye on him and fed him. Matt soon lost a few pounds after sampling Mum's healthy cooking. He liked it and asked for our help. We went swimming every day that summer. Eventually, we got him jogging too. By the time Auntie Sue came back and he went to university, he'd lost three stone and was a very good-looking lad now and he knew it.

He started to get attention from girls and it went straight to his head. That spoilt, arrogant, narcissistic side came to the fore even more. Everything was always about him. When he came back from Uni that Christmas, all we heard. How many girls he had been with and how much pussy he had got. Jamie and I didn't like this. We'd been brought up to have respect for women. We weren't the one-night stand type. We didn't use girls like that.

"They love it," said Matt. "They love being able to say they've had a slice of the Matt pie."

He nearly got himself into big trouble in our local pubs at Christmas; he tried turning on the charm with the wrong girl. She was receptive too, but her boyfriend.... not so much. He was about to rearrange Matt's pretty-boy features for him until I managed to talk him down. It was just lucky I knew him as a customer from the garage. I talked him around whilst Jamie slipped the would-be lothario, Matt, out the back door.

Of course, Auntie Sue thought all his antics were wonderful.

"He's such a Jack-the-lad. She laughed to Mum. So good-looking. He's got the same twinkle in his eyes Fred used to have. No wonder the girls can't resist him."

She wasn't quite so proud the following summer when one of his girlfriends turned up at her door, pregnant and claiming that it was Matt's baby.

"Little trollop she was," she said to Mum. "Been with all sorts then tried to pin it on our poor Matt, I gave her short shrift. It is not our problem."

Mum and Dad were disgusted. They wish they could have helped that poor girl. Mind you, it didn't surprise Mum, as she'd always said that Matt could have committed murder and Auntie Sue would find a way to ensure that it was entirely the victim's fault.

It turned out that Mum and Dad had bigger problems than that. Mum was ill. She had multiple sclerosis. Her mobility was decreasing, so they moved out of the Crescent into a bungalow a few streets away. Mum thrived there. She loved it and got used to her new normal. We still saw Auntie Sue all the time, of course. Matt was still one of The Three Musketeers when he was around, but as we matured, Jamie and I weren't as willing to put up with any of his usual nonsense. We were adults now. We couldn't indulge his all-about-me attitude.

When I was 21, a new customer came into the garage, Jenny. I looked up and dropped my wrench with a loud clatter.

"Are you always so clumsy?" she laughed," Will my little Mini be safe in your hands?"

"Perfectly safe," I replied. "I was a little distracted. Sorry, I can't think what it was that made me lose concentration," I smirked.

"Have you got a twin?" She asked and I nodded.

"You did my friend's disco last year. You're the good-looking one."

"Well, as we were identical twins, that's hard to judge, I smiled.

"No, you were the one I liked. I remember," she blushed.

So that's how it started, Jenny and me. I fell hard for her. I told her I loved her after only a couple of weeks. I couldn't help it. I did. Not only was she beautiful, she was clever, too. She worked as an accountant for a local family firm. They were a very religious family, quite severe in some ways, but they loved Jenny. She was a good Catholic girl and her older brother was a priest, a fact her mother Bernadette was fond of mentioning. You know that stereotypical Jewish mother constantly mentions, "My son, the doctor." Well, it's the same for a Catholic Mum. "My son Patrick, the priest", she managed to slip it into every conversation. My Mum used to joke about it, saying, "My son Jon, the mechanic", or "My son Jamie, the car salesman".

Because of Jenny's faith, we had a more traditional courtship. Oh, we made love, make no mistake, but Jenny wouldn't even consider living with me before we got married. She wouldn't live in sin, as she put it. She slotted into our family really well. Mum and Dad treated her like the daughter they never had and Jamie called her sis. From the off, Auntie Sue thought she was a lovely girl and expressed her opinion that she was just the type of girl she would want for Matt. We explained to Jenny that she had just received the highest commendation Auntie Sue would ever give.

Auntie Sue kept pushing Jenny and me to have a short engagement.

"You shouldn't wait. You never know what might happen. Look at me and after your Uncle Fred. We only had a few years together. Life's too short to wait."

This became Auntie Sue's mantra as she had little else to distract her. Matt had gone to visit her brother in Australia straight after Uni. Much to her disgust, he had extended his trip. Probably to give all those young Australian ladies a slice of Matt pie.

We did wait, though. We were still only young - Jenny and me. I was renting a nice little place with Jamie. Jenny and I were having fun, enjoying life, and saving for our future. It isn't easy to save a deposit for a house nowadays. And even the smallest weddings were very expensive. We went to one in a Manor house. It was lovely, but the reception cost £165 a head; they had 100 guests. Madness. We soon decided that when it was our turn, we wanted a church wedding with all the trimmings but we would keep costs down by having a simple buffet reception and night do. Not a formal, sit-down, expensive meal.

Jenny had heard all our Matt stories.

"He sounds like a complete sleaze," she said. "Yes, he is a bit," Jamie, Mum and Dad all agreed.

"But he's our sleaze," I said. "So, I suppose we're stuck with him".

When Matt eventually returned from Australia all tanned, we had finally booked the wedding. Plans were already in place. Although Matt was friendly to Jenny, he was careful not even to try to turn on the charm. Jenny seemed relieved at that. He seemed to grate on her nerves whenever they saw each other.

"He's not half as good-looking as he thinks he is, you know. I really can't stand him, but I'll make an effort to be civil for your sake."

A month or so before the wedding, Matt was around at our flat. He seemed strangely reluctant to spend any time with us lately. We reckoned he had a new woman on the go. It turns out we were right. Jamie was just coming out of the kitchen when Matt's phone buzzed. It was sheer chance that Jamie saw Jenny's name and her picture.

"No, sorry boys, looks like I've got a booty call. I wouldn't want to disappoint a lady."

With that, he was gone. Jamie looked at me oddly.

"Get your coat".

"Why?"

"You'll see; we need to follow him now."

You don't argue with your twin. If he says move in that tone of voice, you know it's important. We followed Matt. He was in Auntie Sue's car. Luckily, Jamie rarely came home in the same car two nights running from the garage. Matt wouldn't recognise us. As it turned out, neither would Jenny. My Jenny. She jumped in the car. We followed them both to Auntie Sue's.

"How did you know Jamie?" I asked.

"I saw her name pop up on his phone. Look, it might not be what it looks like. Maybe it's a surprise for you for the wedding or something."

Oh, it was a surprise, all right. We both know what this was when we saw Matt close his bedroom curtains and turn on his light.

I rang her and she actually answered,

"Hi, sweetheart, are the three Musketeers having a good night? "

"There are only two of us. Matt had to run off to service one of his tarts."

There was a pause before she carried on.

"What's he like? Anyway, I'll have to go. Mum's calling."

Lying bitch, it was so easy for her to lie, too.

Jamie drove me to a quiet car park, turned off the engine and looked at me.

"We need proof, Jon, before we do anything. It doesn't look good. In fact, it looks bloody awful, but we need to be sure before you throw it all away. I'll sort that; you leave it to me."

So, feeling numb, we went back to the flat. I wanted to get drunk, but Jamie wouldn't let me.

"No, Jon, that will only make you feel worse. What we need to do is plan. I've already got some ideas."

It was very hard to try and act normally around Jenny, but she was so involved in the wedding plans that she didn't seem to have much time for me anyway.

A couple of days later, Jamie went to see Auntie Sue. He asked if there was something we could borrow from Uncle Fred's wardrobe to wear for the wedding so he would feel part of our special day. Maybe cufflinks, a hanky or something? We had already discussed this idea with Mum before but had not done anything about it. Auntie Sue thought it was wonderful and promised to find us something. Jamie made a real fuss over her, discussing the garage and the wedding. He asked about Matt, which was usually Auntie Sue's favourite type of conversation, but she actually changed the subject. When her friend Sandra popped in from next door, he asked if he could use the loo. Sandra loved gossip, so while Sue was distracted, he slipped into Matt's room. And he planted some hidden recording devices with long-life batteries.

Jamie kept an eye on Jenny and Matt and it only took a couple of days for them to get together again. The following day, we both took Mum to see Auntie Sue and collect Uncle Fred's cufflinks. Whilst she was distracted, Jamie popped to the loo and retrieved the devices.

The recording made me feel sick. I couldn't listen to it all, but Jamie did. He came back looking pale.

"I always thought I might have a bit of a voyeur thing going on. I don't. I feel nauseous after just listening. Dogging is not in my future."

"I don't want any details, Jamie. I don't want to hear anymore."

"I'm sorry, Jon, but there is one bit you really need to listen to. It's after the sex. It's Auntie Sue. She knows."

I looked at him, stunned.

"She knew and hasn't done anything about it?"

"Well, she made them both a cup of tea afterwards."

I couldn't speak. As he played, the section he had lined up. I heard the knock at the door and Auntie Sue said;

"I've made you both a cup of tea. I might not approve of what you're doing, but I can't stand in the way of true love."

"Bitch," I said. "She's always been delusional."

Jamie said, "Wait till you hear the next bit. "

"Matt, does your Mum really think we love each other?" I heard Jenny ask.

"Of course, how could anyone not love her little Prince?"

"I don't even like you half the time. Never mind, love you. I love Jon. Really love him. This is just a last fling before we get married. You just my last bit of fun, that's all. You're not important."

"So, once you get married, that's it--no more slices of the Matt pie?"

"Well, we'll see. I'm not promising anything. Maybe. You are certainly fun and I could never be like this with Jon. Jon makes love to me. What we do is sex, hot and dirty. It has nothing to do with love. I love being with Jon, but I do enjoy being a slut for you, your dirty girl."

"So, he gets the angel, the good girl and I get the devil! That will do for me. I don't love you either, but you're a good shag; I'll give you that. Who would have guessed that Little Miss Perfect would get off on the rough stuff? Anyway, I always did enjoy playing with my cousin's toys rather than my own."

There was a stunned silence. Jamie was the first to speak

"So, Jon? What are we going to do?"

"Absolutely nothing for now. Just carry on with the wedding as planned and then we will burn the ground from under them. They humiliated me in private; I'm going to humiliate them in public."

It took a while to get the planning sorted, but together we were eventually happy. First, we were going to promote Matt to be the best man. Jamie had a very believable panic attack about having to give a speech at the wedding. Even I was convinced, especially when he went to the doctor to get some tranquillisers. He always said a good salesman is a good actor. I couldn't have Mum worried about him, so I gave him the option of stepping down and asked Matt to be my best man. You would have thought he would feel guilty, but no. He was thrilled and took it as his right.

Auntie Sue was ecstatic to see her Prince take centre stage alongside me. Jamie took charge of the music instead. We were having taped music in the church and Jenny was anxious. Something might go wrong. She felt much better knowing that Jamie was in charge, particularly as he was going to do the disco at night for us anyway.

Jamie might be a good actor, but I found it difficult and managed to get a convenient groin strain during the paintballing we did as part of my stag weekend. That stopped me from having to sleep with Jenny before the wedding. I rested up, ready for the honeymoon. Matt did find it strange that Jamie and I targeted him with the paintball guns. He was black and blue afterwards. I managed to act relatively normally to him, but he did notice I was quieter. But Jamie just told him I had pre-wedding jitters.

Jenny was in full bridezilla mode. Her brother, the priest, was given permission to officiate alongside the normal priest. This made her and Bernadette determined to ensure that everything was perfect. Jamie and I were worried about Mum and Dad. We felt terrible not telling them. They deserved better, but then so did I. Much better. Jamie was meant to be moving back in with Mum and Dad so that Jenny and I could have the flat after the honeymoon. Of course, that wasn't going to happen. We managed to talk Mum and Dad into waiting to get his room ready till we were away. It was bad enough keeping a secret from them without wasting their time.

Come the big day, Mum looked lovely. She was determined not to use her chair at the church. She wanted to walk down the aisle on Dad's arm just like she had all those years ago.

The church looked beautiful, but I found it hard to concentrate as Jenny's brother Patrick said,

"Do you, Jonathan Frederick Byrne take Jennifer Maria O'Neill to be your lawful wedded wife?"

Before I could answer, the sound system blared

"I love being a slut for you, Matt."

"So, once you get married, that's it--no more slices of the Matt pie?"

"I'm not promising anything, maybe."

"I always liked playing with my cousin's toys best."

Jenny looks stunned before screaming.

"Turn it off, Jamie, stop it."

"Not me slut, look," said Jamie, holding the plug of the speaker in his hand. He had hidden speakers everywhere in the church during his set-up yesterday. He was determined that everybody would hear it all. Matt tried to run, but I had him gripped tightly by my side. There was a brief interlude when we heard Jenny in the throes of passion--begging him to put it in her arse. Yuck. That wasn't my sort of thing at all. I'm glad I never sampled that little delight. I think Jamie may have gone a little far in including that. I don't think the ladies of the Catholic Mothers Union would ever recover from that.

Soon that was over and we heard Auntie Sue merrily delivering them tea and wittering about true love. At this point, my lovely Mum, beautiful in her hat, turned round and slapped Sue's face. So hard Sue almost fell from the pew. As weak as Mum was, she still had a strong slap when it was needed.

"You traitorous cow. My brother would be ashamed of you. He'd hate you for this."

"And he wouldn't be alone, Susan," joined in Granny.

"Well," I turned to Matt.

"You've got the church; you've got the priest She's in the dress. Do you want the slut? No? Pity, because she is no use to me anymore."

With that me, Mum and Dad walked down the aisle to Jamie, who had been standing blocking anybody leaving. As we got to the door, we heard one final flourish.

"I'm your dirty whore Matt, always."

I did consider getting into the horse and carriage, but it's hard to make a quick getaway in one of those. We jumped in Dad's car and headed for home. Dad was so angry that he was shaking.