All Comments on 'Two Cousins Have a Fun Movie Night'
by Whynot6669
- 12 Comments
Chalk it up as a success, a good quickie story. But please, please get an editor.
Although simple and quick, the errors made it less fun to read. It may depend on which side of the big pond you are for some words, but stomach doesn't have an 'e' on the end; and CDs hold music rather than movies. Grammar is important, my "friend's house" belongs to my friend. When he has more than one CD, he has CDs; while there are pictures on the CD's label. Verb tense needs to be consistent. And finally, I'm left wondering about her anatomy when he wanted to "look at her ass while she was facing him.”
Keep it up, keep it coming.
Going from ass to pussy is a no-no for a girl, but hot story none the less.
Please try to use pronouns occasionally. Its more fun to read then the same name over and over. Try putting two pronouns for each name. And also, use more detail in your writings. Great story over all and very good for a first!
Nice try, but the story isn't remotely believable, there's no transition anywhere, and you can't jump from first person to third and back...
Too many sloppy mistakes take away from the overall appeal of the story. Spelling is alright, but grammar is awful. Watch out for run-on sentences (too much happening in one sentence)
You could use more of a build-up, slow it down. A little more background info could help build up the story. Dont rush right into the "good part".
I liked it. Hot n sexy and cum in pussy always excites me. Now they need to be a couple and make babies. Please don't include others in the story.
seduction takes time, love making is a long and tedius process.. You cummed in your shorts, in text.. Nothing more
Jensen this, Jensen that. No need to repeat the name so frequently. Detracts from the flow, makes him sound like a puppet being manipulated. Good story-line, work on next chapters and slowdown!