U-N-I Ch. 14 - Part 03

PART 3 -- CHAPTER 14 -- ROBBIE'S POINT OF VIEW

We went on a world tour until Sept, 2016. We toured Europe, Australasia, South and North America. It was amazing. We truly had a blast! But it was a relentless round of gigs. A blur of gigs. To the point that we sometimes weren't sure in what city we were playing. It was over one hundred shows and it generated so much money and involved so many people who were on the road with us.

I'd always known, or sensed, that we had it in us to be massive, to crack America and to become one of the next great live acts. In the States, we played in venues such as Madison Square Garden in New York. In Europe, we played mainly stadiums. We headlined Glastonbury and other massive festivals. We played Wembley stadium. We played Croke Park in Dublin - which was the ultimate dream!

I still remember as though it was yesterday, staying up all night outside a shop in Dublin to get tickets for U2 concerts in Croke Park in 2005 and now we were playing there! How can you even get your head around that? It happened so fast. Our lives changed in what seemed like a heartbeat and now we were one of the most popular bands in the world.

Playing Glastonbury was so special. It was the highlight of U-N-I's life and a career-defining concert. The few minutes before stepping on stage were probably the worst of my life though, but once on stage, I felt so at ease and truly in my element. That'd always happen before gigs. I couldn't quite explain it, but headlining Glastonbury was so nerve-racking. It was a huge milestone in our career. Thankfully, it was a triumph. When tens of thousands of people started to sing along to entire songs, it was such a rush that we were almost lost for words amid the euphoria of the crowd. For me, all I could utter was, "wow, thanks". There were no words to describe the feeling, but it was so special. However special we'd imagined it to be, it was more. I couldn't believe we got to play Glastonbury when we'd turned twenty-five!

We had reached our wildest dreams. We had set ourselves what seemed like an unattainable target years ago, having ambition bigger than ourselves and honestly, back then, we were incredibly delusional to think that we could do it! But we had fucking done it! In what I could only describe as an amazing success story.

We enjoyed a mammoth commercial success with our first album. The media almost universally hailed our record as a masterpiece. Few bands could dream of reviews like the ones that were written about our work. Not to mention the awards we received at ceremonies, sitting around bands we used to listen to when we were at school. I sometimes couldn't believe this was our lives! Something we used to dream about all the time and it had actually happened. Fate had thrown us a whole bunch of sevens.

Sure, back when we were teenagers, we had a masterplan, the five of us, and we would have done anything to develop it. The priority was songwriting, followed by almost daily rehearsals, and then, our first gigs in small pubs and clubs. But we couldn't see much further than that. We just believed we had potential. But with the release of 'Yellow', everything changed and we became the band on the tips of everyone's tongues. There was just something about that song that made us so likeable and popular, but only Mark and I really knew what it was.

I knew he had it in him to be a great songwriter. It was all so easy to him. It was fascinating to me to watch him compose. His talent just radiated from him. Damn, even Elton John said 'Yellow' was a song that he wished he had written.

All of a sudden, everyone was singing it and buying our album and seven years later, we had become a multi-million selling band and we could play our songs in the biggest arenas and stadiums all over the world. We had tens of thousands of fans who sang frantically to our ever-growing set of classic songs. It was astonishing to us and we obviously were super caught up in how amazingly huge it all was.

And that was only the professional side of my life. My private life was just as good, if not better. Being with Mark was also something I used to fantasize about but never thought would happen. He was the boy of my dreams. He seriously was. I had always loved everything about him. I had always shared everything with him. Back when we were kids I remember how well we understood each other, how at ease we were together, how we couldn't spend a day without hanging out together. We were so close growing up that I kind of knew he would notice how I felt about him. I used to secretly wish that he might want to experiment a little and that I could maybe convince him to fool around with me like once or twice, but nothing more. And even that, I didn't think it would happen.

So having a relationship with him like the one we were having, no way in hell could I have predicted that.

It felt like I had it all. So why did I have to fuck it all up?

I had always found coming out something really difficult to do but I had never really struggled with my sexuality. I had never had any confusion in myself, never. I was like twelve when I felt confident that I was gay. But I just couldn't stop myself from fretting about the barracking and prejudice I might suffer, knowing that the homophobia in our public school could be pretty intense, and then there was the homophobia in the world in general.

Later, my father would always tell me before we came out publicly, "as long as you feel certain in yourself, because you need to be sure before you start telling people." But I had always been sure ... and it felt like I had always been in love too.

I actually think the hardest coming out I ever had to do was coming out to Mark. And telling him I loved him. I didn't want to know what his response would be. As long as he didn't know, I could continue to fantasize and hope for something more to happen. I didn't want to hear those words come out of his mouth, "I like you as a friend but I'm straight" or "I love you, but not in that way." I was dreading that. I knew that's what he'd say but I just didn't want to hear it. So I just kept him in the dark because, as I wrote in our song 'Fix You' five years later, "I was too in love to let it show".

But then it began. That first kiss! Fireworks, actual fireworks. I just wasn't expecting it. It blew me away. The most amazing love story of my life, the only love story of my life, began with that first kiss. It really would be the only love story of my life. Back then, no matter what'd happen, I already knew for certain he was the love of my life. There wouldn't be another one like him. He was everything to me. My boyfriend, my lover, my soulmate, my partner, my bandmate, my brother, my best friend. We knew each other inside out. I would've done anything for him. I would've done anything to see him happy. That's all I'd ever wanted for him, to see him happy. To know that he was ok, that he was safe, that he wasn't hurting. If he was happy, then I was happy. And despite the harsh childhood he'd had, he was happy.

He always stayed positive no matter what, something I found more difficult to do. He always thought I was the stronger one out of the two of us, but I wasn't, he was. He was a lot stronger than me. Because he knew how to protect himself. He had learnt how to deal with sadness and rejection at a very early age and he was stronger because of it.

Just like me, he had insecurities and he worried about a lot of things too but at the same time, he was always optimistic and determined and didn't really let anything get to him. No matter the difficulties, he always found a way to overcome them. I think the way he was raised gave him the tools he needed to cope with fame. He didn't give a shit about what people said or thought. As long as we were successful, as long as we had fans and could achieve the goals we had set for ourselves, then all was fine. I loved that about him because he was able to improve my mood when I was feeling down and second-questioning myself. He was always there to make feel me stronger, to bring out the best in me -- and he did that just by believing in me and by expecting things of me. He just had this capacity to make me feel special in a way that no one else could, despite the millions of fans.

Yeah, I had the career I had always wanted to have and I was with the guy I had always wanted to be with. Life was great, it was all good, right?... Supposedly.

When our world tour ended, we had already recorded many demos that hadn't made the cut for our third album which we knew we might use for the fourth one. While on tour we composed a lot. So when it was time to start recording again, we already had many ideas for songs and already knew what kind of album we wanted to make and the direction we wanted to take. It felt pretty easy.

We went back home and lived what resembled normal life again. And then we got back into the studio, on and off. We began working with a new well-known producer but we didn't focus on that and only that. We probably should have because we were feeling immense pressure to follow up our first three albums, which were now widely seen by most critics as classics.

Instead, we released a couple of songs, promoted them and played them live and the fame stuff got mad again. Literally overnight after we released those songs, everyone was after me again. At first, I thought I had mastered it and that I would be completely fine, but I was lying to myself and it all got too much - again.

Despite trying to keep my personal life out of the spotlight as much as possible, I knew it was inevitable that the media wouldn't be accommodating and I began to not enjoy it at all. I had reached such a level of fame that all the media attention I was getting was driving me crazy. It was all so scary and daunting sometimes that I got really upset. I just felt so vulnerable and all I wanted was to get away from the madness of it all. Be with Mark. Focus on writing a new album and not have to deal with the whole promotion again, just to become even more famous than I already was. Because I found it hard to take in everything that had happened. If I sat down and thought about it, it kind of freaked me out, so I just wanted to not think about it and just concentrate on the music.

Unlike other bands, we thoroughly enjoyed the recording process and the time spent in the studio creating new material and I wished we had focused on that and only that. Doing promotion and recording at the same time was so tiring. I felt like we didn't have time to do anything properly.

Plus, I was having a hard time coping with the vitriol that flew so freely around the music world. I worried a bit too much about the critics, we all did, and it was sometimes clear in our public behaviours that we were a bit tired of it all. I knew I was. Therefore, there were a few rumors of stress, inter-band arguments or possible splits, as if we would maybe implode, crushed by the weight of our own success.

Basically, after Mark and I came out, people loved us or people hated us. They seemed to take it personally that we were doing so well. It was hard to deal with and it caused a lot of self-doubt and negative feelings. I was getting bored of constantly being asked the same questions. As if being gay somehow invalidated our right to do rock music or to be a very successful rock band, or to crack America, which was happening without as much brutal hard work as we had been told there'd be, our duets with Bono and Rihanna attracting heavy radio play there. The radio stations just went mad for it and we didn't have to do anything to infiltrate America, which was now also under our spell. We won a couple of grammies and sold out venues without really having to lift a finger. We basically only did promotion there while touring so it wasn't much more work than the promotion in Europe.

Anyway, the music world really was an ocean of contradiction and weirdness and in my opinion, we had had no learning curve to really know how to deal with it and to get used to the pace of stuff. It had been a vertical gradient.

There wasn't really a big alarm bell in my head telling me that I'd had enough and that I needed to take a break from the band. I knew I needed time to recharge though and really focus on what actually mattered in my life. I knew it was Mark, my friends and my family, but the world was spinning so hard and fast around us. We just didn't have any time to focus on our happiness and on ourselves. We were literally from house to dressing room, from dressing room to stage, from stage to recording studio, from recording studio to TV studios, from TV studios to hotel, from hotel to plane... It was constant and there was no more time to live a normal life.

Happiness to me was just about going from our place to do an interview, play a gig, attend a charitable event ... it was about spending some time at home with my parents, going on holidays... And then get back home again, hang out and play music with my mates, spend time with Mark, cook some food and watch a movie or something, talk about stuff, go to bed, cuddle, have sex, be a couple, and that was how I pictured happiness. Nothing extremely extravagant or rock n roll.

Unfortunately it was either we had lots of time off, like we'd had in the past when we were recording, and we could be happy. Or we worked loads and had no time to concentrate on our relationship. So we just had to wait for things to calm down, but this time, they just didn't. We had like no time, no time at all. It was always, always about being a band, about being Robbie Myers -- the performer. I had no time to focus on what was important to me in my life and to just be myself for more than a few hours.

I've always seen myself as two different people. There was me, normal me, hang out with my mates, spend most of my free time with my boyfriend ... and there was this other me, who had to juggle it all and be a rock star, an entertainer, loved, admired or criticised. It was becoming harder and harder to live this life, and sometimes I just wanted to stay home and not have to deal with it all.

And yet, this other side of me wanted to have it all. I kind of had become really competitive and I wanted us to get better and better and better. From my family, I had received a good education and enjoyed a pretty privileged upbringing but I understood the meaning of working hard to achieve your goals. I put pressure on myself to succeed and didn't want to give up, none of us did, no matter how hard it was sometimes. I wanted us to have the best album, to have a great career, to tour stadiums around the world, to be idolized as if I had something to prove. Because of my sexuality mostly. Although I was conscious that I would not continually have this ambition. I was not always going to maintain it and I was already starting to lose my fire. Jordan would always say, "enjoy it all we can during our twenties, and the moment we see it fading, right, time to have kids and settle down!" He was right. It was fun, a lot of fun, but there was a a lot more to life than just having fun and selling millions of records.

But at the time, all we could think about was to have the time of our lives, to sell millions of records and to achieve worldwide recognition. And I think we could be proud to say that we had. But that came with a lot of pressure and I knew I was going to go through some tough times. There was no stopping that from happening. Adjusting to success was not as straightforward as it might appear. It wasn't for me anyway.

I felt low during the promotion. I'd genuinely had enough. So I think I tried to make myself feel better in the worst way possible. I began to go out more than usual and I really started to let go. I didn't even know why I was doing it. It wasn't like me. But I suppose it was like my other me. I had become that guy full time and if I was honest with myself, I had fun being him, being that person, but I didn't know how to not be him anymore.

Mark could tell I was exhausted because of all the pressure I was under but he was as powerless as me to stop it. I had to deal with a lot more shit than the rest of them. They all knew that, but there was not much they could do about it. It was just the way things were. I had the biggest spotlight and I took most of the flak. Mark, too, to a certain extent, because our success inevitably brought about a relentless media interest in our private lives. Honestly, Damon and Dylan didn't feel that famous. They could still put their hats on after a gig and slip back into anonymity. Jordan and Mark could as well if they were going out alone. But I couldn't. I was recognized wherever I went and had a hard time being out in public. The name of the band was associated with my name.

Mark would always try to make me feel better about that. After all, that was what we had wanted all along, I couldn't complain about it now. And everything Mark said always made sense. Perfect sense. He was always calm and rational and kind, he was always considerate and I always felt better whenever he tried to put things into perspective. I knew I should have been listening to him more. I always had. But this time, the pressure was too strong.

I needed a bit of anonymity as well, to unplug myself from the selfie culture. I was losing my mind and I just needed to get back to normal life. I wasn't enjoying it, it wasn't real life to me. I needed to take a break so bad and I wasn't allowed to take it. I should have found a better way to deal with it, but I didn't. So I figured that if I was gonna have a nervous breakdown, I might as well do it right. The rock n roll way!

Consequently, my immediate response was to just go out and embrace the madness. I played hide and seek with the paparazzi and the fans. I went partying a lot with Jordan, sometimes Damon too, or just other friends in the business who were always out. Basically, there was always someone to call up to know where was the hot spot to hit up when we were in London or other big cities. I was very much aware that these people who called themselves my friends didn't give a shit about me and my wellbeing, as long as they were having a good time themselves. They just saw me as a big cash machine. Having money was such a weird thing. It changed people around me, even people I thought wouldn't change. But that was fine, I didn't care that much.

I was in the papers a bit too often but had gotten used to that. I often talked to paparazzi a bit buzzed, which was not the best idea, but I was known as a bit of a bad boy anyway and the gossip-hungry tabloids loved that. Despite the fact that we had come out, I would still get the occasional, "Are you gay, really?" I think people thought we just wanted to get attention drawn to the band or something. I guess we didn't fit the gay stereotype. Or "Where's your boyfriend then?" was the other often repeated question.

Indeed, Mark started to refuse to go partying with us because it was just constant and there were just other things he wanted to do. He would hang out with Rachel, play music with Dylan or go out and do things that were a bit quieter. He didn't like the fact that Jordan, Damon and I would always drink a bit too much or take soft drugs, sometimes even get high on ecstasy. We were rock stars after all, weren't we? It was all available to us so easily and we were having so much fun. We just wanted to enjoy ourselves while still keeping things under control.

Mark had tried E on a couple of occasions, which was enough for him. It had been amazing the first time, especially the heightened appreciation of music. The sex was incredible too. He thought that was like an interesting experience and one of the most pleasurable sensations ever, but he hadn't liked the fact that he'd felt horrible the next day. He felt like he had drained all his dopamine and was worried it'd never come back. Jordan, Damon and I had taken a pill a few more times and I had to admit I didn't like the comedowns either. Mark and Dylan would lecture us, saying that we were already hyped all the time, we didn't need drugs. They'd made us swear that we wouldn't try any harder drugs. We had always said that we didn't want to be that kind of band.