Unneeded Ch. 03

Several of the comments on Chapter 2 suggested that the sudden change in Lisa's technique should rouse Lars' suspicions. Other comments expressed curiosity about Lars' rationales. This chapter provides these things.

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Karen Ross opened her office door. "Mr. Anderson, I'm ready for our session now. Would you please come in?"

"Actually, though I told your receptionist I wanted a session with you, I actually just want to ask a few questions."

"About what subject?"

"About my wife. I know she saw you lately."

"Normally, client confidences are something I would not reveal, even to the extent of verifying they are a client, even to a spouse. However, in your case I have your Lisa's previously given permission to disclose anything that in my personal opinion would be helpful in strengthening your marriage to her. So please come in and have a seat. My expectation is that over the course of our session, you will have the answers you seek."

Lars Anderson was a touch uncomfortable that the counselor still called this a session. He didn't really want therapy. But the promise of answers induced him to enter and be seated. "You can call me Karen, or Mrs. Ross, whichever you wish. As I said, I have her permission to disclose her confidences. Unless you decide to give me similar permission, however, I will keep your confidences from her. May I ask whether she disclosed her visit to you, or whether you found out another way?"

"I found your invoice for services rendered in the credit card summary."

"That is interesting, since Lisa mentioned in passing that she paid routine bills. Were you looking for something specific?"

"Frankly, I was looking for hotel bills."

"Why did you do that?"

"I think she might be cheating on me."

"What brings you to that hypothesis?"

"Her sexual technique lately got a lot better. I'm thinking she's learned something from another lover and she's feeling guilty, so I'm getting some leftovers."

Lars noticed an odd expression cross Karen's features just for an instant. Then she said, "I prefer to mainly proceed with Socratic questions, but I feel I should interject with a comment here. I am certain your wife is not cheating on you, and never has. Further, I know that you are not cheating on her, at least at present. But for now, let's defer the matter of how I know these things to be true."

Lars' face was a strange mix of relief and skepticism. Karen continued, "Let's start with why she came to see me. What is the most common reason a wife would seek marriage counseling?"

"Because she's dissatisfied with her husband and she wants the counselor to backstop her demand for changes."

"A bit roughly put, but yes, that does explain quite a few scenarios. But it's entirely incorrect for Lisa − almost 180 degrees off, in fact. So now that you know she's not dissatisfied with what you're giving to the marriage, what do you think she is worried about?"

A bit of Lars' challenging demeanor melted away. "How little I'm taking." There was a long pause. "She figured it out?"

"Just lately. Is Lisa's impression correct that your family's reaction to the promotion you were offered caused a change in you?"

Lars let out a long breath. "Yes. For a few days after the big argument it was a sort of self-loathing: 'Why didn't you stand up for your rights like a man.' But the more I brooded on it, I realized − I had no rights to stand up for! Feminists assert that marriage is a patriarchal institution designed to oppress women. That's crap. There's nothing about my marriage about which I can say, 'I'm entitled to this because I'm a husband,' and expect the world to agree. Lisa has recourses. I don't."

"That's an interesting choice of words: 'recourses.' I've counseled many couples, and I haven't heard a client say that before. Could you elaborate?"

Lars twisted his shoulders as if trying stretch out a massive tension. "Suppose I cheated on Lisa. She could ask a court for a divorce, banish me from my home, isolate me from my kids, and get paid maintenance for years; that's her recourse. Suppose Lisa cheats on me. What would a court do to give me a recourse? Banish me from my home, isolate me from my kids, and force me to pay maintenance for years, that's what."

"Lamentably true. That's why I hate it whenever my couples work doesn't gel. Where did this train of thought take you?"

"This may sound crazy, but I thought that my only defense against being jerked around was to have less to lose, emotionally, than Lisa. I had always been the partner more invested in the relationship. The disadvantage of that was suddenly apparent. I started thinking of ways to intensify her emotional attachment, and reduce mine. I trained myself to be an even better husband, to change her BATNA, and mine."

Dr. Ross interjected, "I'm afraid I don't know that term."

"Oh. BATNA is an acronym for Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement. It comes from negotiation theory. I have to think about that at work all the time as I hammer out terms with vendors and customers. I try to improve my BATNA: the alternative I'll have to fall back on if negotiations fail completely. If my best alternative is pretty good, I'm less likely to have to swallow a raw deal.

"Trained the way I am, I saw the question of moving to Dallas as a negotiation. Lisa pushed me to the wall, and I had to cave because my BATNA was poor. I had to give up the job I've worked for my whole career because her implied threat to withhold her love was something I wasn't ready to face."

"Lisa reported your children were a potent force in this 'negotiation.' How do you feel about them now?"

Lars scrunched his face a bit before answering. "Our children are good kids. Lisa and I have raised them right. They get good grades − teacher's favorites all, actually − and are never in trouble. But they're still kids, you know, and kids are slow to give up the idea their parents might have their own needs. Did you ever see the movie, "Going My Way?"

"With Bing Crosby, right?" Karen ventured.

"Yeah. Crosby's character says something like, 'You know, when I was 18, I thought my father was pretty dumb. After a while, when I got to be 21, I was amazed to find out how much he'd learned in three years.' So I put most of the blame on Lisa. If she'd been on my side, together we'd have gotten the kids to accept the move."

"So you began to employ ruses to avoid receiving your wife's loving gestures?"

"Uh-huh. I know how sad that sounds, and it often was sad, but it was empowering, too. Look at me." Lars slapped his abdomen. "This was a pot belly, half a year ago. I've made new friends who I wouldn't lose if Lisa forced them to take sides. I've even developed new ways to relate to the kids that aren't channeled so much through Lisa."

"As a part of that strategy, you consciously allowed your physical intimacy with Lisa diminish?"

"Well, that's only partly true. We hugged and kissed as often − maybe more. We just didn't have sex as often. And I expect Lisa looked on that as a positive, at least unconsciously. Her libido has always been less than mine." Lars made a moue. "At a certain point I developed a morbid curiosity: how low would we go before she wasn't getting enough."

"But you never cheated on her to make up the difference?"

"No!" Lars paused to formulate his thoughts before speaking again. "First, I love Lisa. I was hurt by learning I was low man on the family totem pole, but you don't just throw away twenty good years. Second, I'm not the sort that breaks promises. And third, it would wreck my strategy. I want her to be heavily invested in me. For me to be caught cheating would make her less engaged in a hurry."

There was another pause. Then Lars' eyes narrowed. "Hey, wait a second. You said at the start you knew I hadn't cheated. How?"

"What's my only source for such a declaration?"

"Lisa."

"And how could she be certain?"

"She...checked up on me?"

"Quite thoroughly, in fact. Rented spy gadgets, had friends tailing you, the whole nine yards."

"Damn! How did that happen? I never did anything suspicious because I never did anything. What did I do wrong?"

"Lisa reported that her attitude hardened when her suspicions began, and she began withholding sex for fear of an STD. Do you recall her doing that?"

"I sure do."

"Do you recall an event around the time that started?"

"Since you ask, it started the night after a neighborhood tailgate party."

"What do you guess might have happened at that party?"

"I don't know. We guys mostly hung out together, talking football and barbecue sauces. The gals mostly hung out as a group, too. I don't know what they talked about. I certainly didn't flirt with any of them, if that's what you're getting at."

"Still, think about those wives. What did they see when they noticed you?"

"I'd be startled to learn that they noticed me."

"We women notice more about men than you'd think. What was different about you?"

"I'd gotten into better shape?"

"Which means what to middle aged wives raised on Dear Abby?"

Lars got the point. "That I'm doing it for the 'Other Woman.' Because all guys are...what's the male synonym for 'skanks?'"

"Lamentably, Lisa listened to them, and then turned P.I. She neglected you for several weeks until the fact of your fidelity became established beyond doubt." Karen picked up her notebook and glanced through it. "Lisa told me, 'Freud said, 'Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.' And sometimes a guy getting in shape is just a guy getting in shape.'"

"I knew I was in the doghouse; I just didn't know why. I didn't fight it. Perversely, I thought, 'Be that way. I want to need you less anyway.'"

"When the truth was established, she tried to initiate sex that night. Do you remember it?"

"I wasn't really into it. Three weeks is a long time to stew on injustice."

"She said it was the first time you'd ever given her 'maintenance sex.'"

"Pardon?"

"Sex when your body doesn't need it, but the relationship does."

"I've received some of that, but I knew going in that Lisa's needs in the sex department are less than mine. She seldom turns me down when I initiate, at least that's how it used to be."

"Shortly after that evening, something happened that opened Lisa's eyes to your coping strategy. Can you remember what that might have been?"

"Nothing comes to mind."

"Do you remember doing something for yourself that you've never done before? Something that she witnessed that seemed absolutely inexplicable to Lisa. Something that yanked her thoughts in an entirely new direction?"

Lars brooded at bit, then ventured, "Me sewing?"

Karen nodded. "Sometimes the tiniest pebble starts an avalanche. She pretty much worked everything out from there."

"What did she do then?"

"She made an appointment with me. Your strategy has worked to this extent; she perceives her...what was it?...BATNA to be poor. She loves you, she wants to be with you all her life, and is frightened that you seem to be preparing yourself to leave her. She wonders whether you're just waiting for the kids to go to college."

Lars seemed chastened. "I never planned to leave at all. I just didn't want to get jerked around again."

"You've both jumped to conclusions; particularly, you both suspected the other of cheating on slender evidence. You've both withheld feelings that should have been shared. But neither of you has done anything unforgivable. Further, Lisa has learned a valuable lesson: that the husband/wife relationship has to be the primary one in the house. That suggests to me that with some frank communication you two can come out of this better than ever." Karen shrugged. "Lisa and I both thought that much needed conversation might be easier after she'd earned back a few wife points first."

"That sounds right," Lars asserted, "but I still have an issue. I'm still thinking she took some revenge sex when she thought I was cheating. Further, I think she gave her lover things she'd never given me, just to twist the knife. You said at the start that I was wrong about that, but no one changes that much, that fast when it comes to sex. Not on their own. It's like she was coached by an expert."

Karen blew on her fingernails and buffed them on her lapel in the classic metaphor for pride in a task well done. "Thanks!" she said brightly.

"You!" Lars looked for a moment like he'd been poleaxed. "You got her to suck and swallow?!"

"It's more than you know. I didn't just tell her how. I hypnotized her, and in deep trance had her practice the lesson with the Lars within her imagination. Then I implanted a post-hypnotic trigger she can fire off herself when she wants to bolster her attitude and her technique when it comes to oral sex. I actually gave her several other mental tools to use when she feels the need for them in the bedroom. I think that going forward, far fewer of your interludes with Lisa will be maintenance sex."

"Wow," Lars breathed, trying to wrap his head around this revelation.

"That her technique was so good it made you suspicious is evidence of how strong her rapport with me was. There's no chance she lied when I verified in trance she's never cheated on you...ever." Karen suddenly changed the serious mood. "But I don't think I need to suggest hypnotherapy for you. Lisa was quite complimentary about your oral sex skills."

A belly laugh burst out of Lars, carrying with it a lot of nervous tension. "You're right," he said at last, "we are badly in need of that long talk. But I think we will be better than before." Lars shrugged sheepishly. "And I sure am tired of my own cooking!"