Welcome to the Literotica Universe Ch. 02

I received so many comments noting things I'd missed in Chapter One of Welcome to the Literotica Universe that a second chapter was all but written for me. For those who made suggestions I have not included, please forgive. It is due to either (a) my inability to add anything to what you said or (b) a lack of familiarity with the subject of your comment. For example, I have only a passing knowledge of "Loving Wives" stories. If you enjoy what you are about to read I think you'll enjoy the comments to Chapter One.

Some commentators reacted to Chapter One as if it was an attack on the conventions of the Literotica Universe. You were not the first person, you were not the thousandth person, to see what I intend as wry good-natured observation as criticism. It appears there is often an unintended edge to my sense of humor. The conventions of Literotica stories are there because they're fun and sexy; they certainly populate my stories.

If this was a story and had characters, any characters engaged in sexual activities would be eighteen years of age or older. Insofar as it is a story with characters, all characters engaged in sexual activities are eighteen years of age or older.

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1. An obvious oversight -- As nthusiastic and sbrooks103x observed, while I noted that the men of the Literotica Universe produce mind-staggering amounts of semen, I failed to acknowledge the same ability in women. The amount of mucous (strike that, accurate but not sexy), love juice/cunt cream produced by women would have intimidated Noah. It flows down her thighs, flows down his thighs, puddles on sheets, soaks mattresses. It arrives in streams, rivers, deluges, tsunamis. If you have your face buried in a woman's privates you get a mouthful, it gets in your nose, covers your chin, cheeks, and lips, infiltrates your hair.

The source of this flow is debated. A 110 pound woman can lose a gallon of it during sex (approximate weight 8 1/4 pounds) and not only not dehydrate, but weigh 110 pounds when she's done. Some scientists believe women convert male semen to mucous, excuse me, love juice/cunt cream, so it is men's ability to generate sperm on an industrial scale that explains women's copious flow. More progressive minds think this claptrap, another example of the patriarchy trying to give men credit for women's achievements. They favor the view that the stuff flows through the worm hole connecting women to the sacred feminine. Other believe it's adaptive evolution, that women's heavy flow drove the men of the Literotica Universe to evolve larger penises so they could please the women, which in turn drove women to evolve ever more lubrication.

A final point. A woman's flow, like semen, has magical qualities. Women wearing tight minimal outfits can walk around all day aroused, pussy lips swollen, cunts dripping, without staining their clothes.

2. Super semen -- While I devoted much space in Chapter One to the amazing qualities of semen in the Literotica Universe, Anonymous pointed out one I missed. When deposited in a woman's sex it causes her to orgasm; when a guy goes off the gal always goes off with him.

The exception, of course, is the soon to be cuckolded husband, whose pathetic premature plop lacks pussy pleasing powers.

3. Vocal calisthenics -- Most men and women I know are not screamers; as the ubiquitous Anonymous pointed in the Literotica Universe everyone's a screamer, excepting Rule 4 below. Loud screamers deafening screamers, who scream in CAPITAL LETTERS, with lots of!!, REEEPEEAATTTIIINNNGGGGG LLEETTTTTERRRRRSSSSSSSS, and loads... of... ellipses...

4. Rent a U-Haul stupid -- If you're a reasonably well-off husband/father in the Literoitca Universe with an attractive wife and eighteen year old son and need to move them and plethora of things, boxes, flat screen televisions, camping gear, etc., several hundred miles you can:

(a) hire a moving company with a big truck and a lot of big strong guys to load and unload your stuff,

(b) rent a U-Haul so your wife and son can be comfortable and you can drive safely with unobstructed sight lines, or

(c) cram so much stuff in your car that you can barely see outside your vehicle, can't see any of the interior, and your wife has to sit in your son's lap.

In our universe before you finished suggesting (c) your wife would have ordered airline tickets from Travelocity and told you to pick her up at the airport, after you unpack. As Major Rewrite and Anonymous pointed out, in the Literotica Universe your wife, after some grumbling, agrees to (c), puts on a sun dress, and heads for the car. You also head for the car, but leave behind your senses of smell and hearing, which means you don't notice your wife and son copulating in the back seat two feet away.

5. The economy -- In Chapter One, Rule 8, I noted that although almost all work time in the Literotica Universe is spent having sex, thinking about having sex, or trying to have sex, the economy works. In fact, there's no apparent poverty in the Literotica Universe.

Anonymous supplied the answer. The two largest industries in the Literotica Universe are lingerie and sex toys. Every woman has closets and drawers stuffed with stockings, garter belts, and teddys (with sex toys hidden behind and underneath) and is already ordering more. Victoria Secrets dwarfs Apple, Google, and Amazon. Entire industries survive on this trade: the first quantum computer was built to process the orders, fleets of freighters move lingerie across the world's oceans, manufacturers churn out batteries for sex toys 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, and there's a Nobel Prize for developing cleaning products that remove sex stains from couches, desks, and rugs.

No one in the Literotica Universe ever lost money investing in a company that manufactured stiletto high-heeled shoes.

6. No politics -- I had a friend who said her boyfriend was always nicer and sweeter after sex, amenable to most anything, and not just right after, but for a couple of days after. The weird thing is that she was complaining, like it proved he was more animal than human.

When JBEdwards pointed out there is no politics -- people never argue about the President, never mention there is a President -- in the Literotica Universe I thought about my friend. Maybe, with all the great sex, everyone is like my friend's boyfriend, always in a good mood, ready to agree with you. There is no divisive politics, it's more, "Sure Senator, I'll vote for your bill, whatever you want."

6. Creepy but exciting -- In this universe about 2% of women are exhibitionists, and they want to control the time and place they're seen. They, and most every other women on this planet, would go ape-shit if they knew someone was watching them through their window at night, would go aper-shit if they were naked when watched, ape-est-shit if watched while masturbating or having sex.

As woodworkerdom observed, in the Literotica Universe it's different. While there may be some initial revulsion, every woman eventually becomes turned on by being watched and has sex with their voyeur no matter how fat, bald, or smelly.

Who needs a dating service, just go look through windows.

7. "As you know, madness is like gravity...all it takes is a little push." -- The Joker said this to Batman in The Dark Knight. The Joker said a lot of cool stuff in The Dark Knight, which is not our topic, but is true.

As allnitediner suggested, substitute "incest inhibition" for "madness" and you are in the Literotica Universe. Imagine you're a nineteen year old guy pulling into the driveway of the family home after your freshman year at college. Mom welcomes you with a kiss and hug, makes you a ham sandwich for lunch, and all the time you're trying to get your erection under control because you're thinking, "Holy shit, I've known Mom all my life and never had a sexual thought about her, not one. I mean I knew she was female, but that was a technicality, she's frigging Mom. But holy shit, she's been working out, attending yoga classes, lost weight. She ain't bad for a forty-two year old woman; she ain't bad for a thirty-two year old woman; she's frigging hot."

As to Mom, she's wondering how she missed until fifteen minutes ago what a virile young man her baby boy has become.

Flash forward a decent interval, let's say to dinner. Mom comes upstairs to ask what you want, but you've whipped out your thing and the door is cracked open and Mom sees it and you look in the mirror in your room and see her see it.

The incest inhibition is like gravity...all it takes is a little push. Nineteen years of attitude and in-grained socialization dissolve and you eat Mom for dinner.

It also turns out Mom's never tried anal.

9. The wandering hymen -- Wikipedia tells us that the hymen "surrounds or partially covers the external vaginal opening." Anonymous noted that in the Literotica Universe this is often not true, with the hymen located at varying depths inside a woman. This seems odd, the anatomy (except for penis size and that whole breast thing) is basically the same. So, through the magic of the Internet, I logged onto the Literotica Universe's Wikipedia, which tells us that the hymen "is nomadic, wandering up and down the vagina, settling and putting down roots in one location for awhile, then moving to another spot." Thus in the Literotica Universe penises encounter (and tear) hymens all over, at the opening of a women's sex, a couple of inches in, or deep inside.

In Chapter 1, Rule 6, I told you that gravity's exemption of breasts in the Literotica Universe makes me a little crazy. Hymen location, or mis-location, makes a lot of readers crazy. I hope the discovery of the wandering hymen brings them some comfort.

10. Getting the girl/getting the boy - Let's say you're in this universe and you meet this boy you like, or this girl you like, and you'd like known him/her better. There are certain rules you follow. I borrow liberally from wikiHow

A. If you're a girl, get to know him. If you're already friends it's easy, and if not work at it. Befriend him, talk to him about his day, your day, mention his shoelaces are untied, ask where he bought his shirt, but be careful to stay out of the friend zone. Make fun of him (playfully), be flirty, fix his hair, ask to feel the material of his shirt, poke him (but not too often).

Laugh, smile, be happy.

Use social media. I don't do social media, so no specific advice here.

Do your makeup and hair. Be enthusiastic when you see him, compliment him (occasionally, don't overdo it, and pick something you actually like), ask him to help you with something, most anything. Guys love to feel needed and useful. Listen, but if he don't want to talk about it he don't want to talk about it. Respect that.

A few more things. You want to appear socially active, but not so much as to be unavailable. Becoming friends with some of his friends is never a bad idea, dudes are influenced by what other dudes think, but be careful about the "I'll make him jealous" thing. That can go to shit in a hurry.

And there's always calling him and suggesting doing something, especially if he's shy.

And through it all be yourself, unless of course "yourself" requires breaking these rules.

B. If you're a boy, make sure to have your own life, your own friends, hobbies, and goals. You want to be well groomed -- brush your teeth, shave, comb your hair, carry breath mints, use deodorant -- and while you don't need to be a bodybuilder, stay in shape, run a mile or two, do some sit ups.

When you're ready to talk, ask about her, look for things you have in common, make her laugh. If you're not funny suggest getting together to watch her favorite sitcom or go to a comedy club. Be her friend, but stay out of the friend zone: be flirty, let her know you think she's attractive (as well as a friend), compliment her, note things different or new (hairstyle, clothes), remember what she told you last week.

Time to step it up. Impress her, there must be something you do well, and if not find something she cares about and do it. Volunteer one afternoon a month at the homeless shelter or the SPCA.

Touch her, no, not that kind of touching, something classy. Hold her coat while she puts it on, offer her your hand when she's stepping onto an uneven surface, if she's worried put your hand lightly on her shoulder to comfort her.

Test the water with little jokes, statements light, playful, and ambiguous that hint at interest and see if she bites, which means you gotta pay attention: hold eye contact, half-smile, wait.

Take your time, don't be pushy, don't be needy.

Eventually, ask her out, something she likes to do (monster truck pulls are usually a no), something that will not require you to entertain her all evening, something you can talk about later. As you move forward make her feel important, open doors for her, offer to carry her stuff. Be romantic, flowers are fine, but something more personal is better so listen, she'll tell you what matters to her.

And, as before, be yourself unless "yourself" requires breaking these rules.

C. These things also work in the Literotica Universe although, as cnel83 pointed out, it's much more efficient to let them catch you masturbating. That always leads to sex.