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Faded lace

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I wondered through your
Mothers box of memories today,
pictures frozen in time.
Men in uniform smiling back at me
forever young lost to the ravages of war.
Solemn children held by Grandma sitting
straight backed unyielding
and underneath them all
a scrap of faded lace.

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3 Comments
unpredictablebijouunpredictablebijouover 15 years ago
sweet, and nicely written

I think Eve's given you some good suggestions here. I wondered about wandered and wondered in the first line, but I found I kinda liked "wondered" even if it might be a typo.

lovely little piece, doll.

WickedEveWickedEveover 15 years ago
~

The last two lines are a nice touch. They add an interesting detail that makes the poem a bit more complex. Since this is really good, I'll pick at a couple of minor things just as suggestions to improve an already fine poem.

<br><br>

You write "pictures frozen in time./Men in uniform smiling back at me/forever young." Frozen in time is a bit cliche but nothing unforgivable. Forever young is rather overused but can work fine, depending on how it's used in a poem. If it describes the lace, for example, it would be more interesting. But when you're talking about the men smiling back and being forever young, it sounds rather tired and like a wasted opportunity to show the reader a vivid image.

<br><br>

So, I'm just talking about making a minor change or two. What? Well, there are lots of options. You could keep the words the same and just shake them up a little and let them fall somewhere new and play with line breaks.<br>

<br>I wandered through your Mother's

<br>box of memories today, pictures

<br>smiling back at me,

<br>forever young. Men in uniform

<br>frozen in time,

<br>lost to the ravages of war.

<br><br>Pictures (or any inanimate object) getting to do something human like smile or be young seems more interesting than young, smiling men.<br>

In the first line you could even try "my hands wandered" "curiosity wandered" etc.

Safe_BetSafe_Betover 15 years ago
-

That is beautiful. Melancholy, but so beautiful.



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