- Erotic Poetry
- Flow
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The lights are dimmed and the room holds silence
He is trapped, wearing chains and a blindfold
World closing in, he thinks of defiance
As he shivers from fear and from the cold
A touch brushes his skin, so light and sweet
Forcing a sigh to come forth from his lips
Sensations running from his head to feet
As pleasure spikes through him and his heart skips
The pressure increases, now focusing
To the one place he needs to fell it go
Craving the warm mouth and hard deep throating
He reaches the top and lets it all flow
As sleep takes him, he hears a whisper low
‘Goodnight, my sweet, know that I love you so.’
- COMMENTS
It's nice, and all the rhymes are there, but the beat is all wrong. It doesn't feel like it 'flows' right. Just try to keep the syllables about the same or a arranged in a way that there is a steady rhythm. It would be easier to read that way.Poo
There is no implication in this, nothing to search for, which most serious readers of poetry enjoy. I could do with an edit and unless you are going for a comedic effect, end rhyme is a mistake in erotica. If you really need it, move it to the middle of the line. You get the pacing but it loses the sing songy nature.
you are still just describing a blowjob, and whatever the physical circumstances the poem doesn't get beyond that. A poem has to take an action sideways, and an erotic poem has a hard time doing that unless you abandon all the cliches of sex. I'd love to see you try something different.
Good! You built the tension of the scene very well. Small typo in stanza 3? "feel" not "fell" perhaps?