Goodbye, Sweet Friend

I had online relationships with two different pastors this year. I wrote this poem after the most recent one ended. I wrote my poem "My Warning" after the end of my first one. Check out my other poem to compare my different responses. I feel foolish, and I doubt I'll be writing a pastor again.

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When a sweet pastor and I started writing,
A beautiful online relationship grew.
We talked via chat, email, and phone,
And it was all very exciting.

The lust and desire we felt
Warmed my inner core,
But even more,
His acceptance and care for me
Made my heart melt.

Yet because we both have a spouse,
He believed we should never meet,
And he felt it was crucial that
Our hearts not get too close,
So I was very careful not to tell him
"I love you."

I didn't want to worry him, push him away,
Or mess up our sweet connection
With my strong feelings,
So I buried them and
I was very careful not to say
"I love you."

And now I see
My efforts were for naught
For my sweet pastor friend
Chose to let me go because
He didn't want to be caught.

He was hurting and scared:
A friend of his had been caught
Having an affair and
Lost everything for which he cared.

He chose to respond
By cutting contact with me,
Believing his friend's loss
Was a wake-up call from God.

And he felt concerned
His affection for me might deepen
If I were to stay in his life,
So he discerned
Our relationship
Must
Stop.

But now
My emotions are in a jumble:
I can never talk to my friend again,
He can't be part of my life anymore,
My heart has taken a tumble.

If he were to be hurt because of me,
The pain in my heart
Would be unfathomable,
So I understand why he
Decided our paths must part.

We lived in but a vaporous dream.
His real life is rightly his focus.
But yet he's left a hole in my heart:
"I fucking miss you!" I scream.

I admit I'm going through withdrawal,
And I felt cranky tonight,
The type with a hungry, empty edge,
For I need my fix of him,
I want it with all my might.

I can't believe we'll never talk again.
I'll never hear his sweet voice in conversation.
Oh, how I miss sharing my life with him,
Both the spiritual and the mundane.

We used to write every day,
He helped anchor me
And showed me that God still cares.
How can I be strong
Without him to help me see?

Sometimes we'd write
To give our plans for the day,
Share a smile, comment on the weather, talk about his favorite team,
Or simply to let one another know we're doing okay.

But I also told him things I couldn't tell anyone else,
For with him I could be real.
And I loved how freely he shared with me
About his past, his desires,
How he wanted to touch my body,
And how aroused I made him feel.

The rare times he was home alone
Were the best.
We had wonderful, intimate discussions,
With both words and sounds,
While touching ourselves
And talking on the phone.

He brought me so much happiness and joy,
It's worth the sadness and the loss,
And we gave each other a myriad of
Sweet memories which nothing can destroy.

Yet my inward gaze is tristful
As I remember things we planned.
Thinking of precious things we'll never do, or never do again,
Leaves me feeling wistful.

It's been hard for me to let him go,
So I came for him this morning
With tears rolling down my cheeks,
Wishing we were together, although
We'll forever be apart
On earth,
But...

He believes we'll see each other
In heaven some day,
And God can be there for him
Though I can't,
So for him I'll always pray.

I'll say again: it was worth the loss!
Surely the value of love exceeds the cost,
And since I've lost him anyway,
Let me say,
"Dear one,
I love you."