- Non-Erotic Poetry
- Simple Things
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Click hereSmall feet fell on laminated tiles creating tiny sounds.
Smiling lips produced effortless joy on brown faces.
Little fingers grasped big crayons drawing life's meaning.
Happy noises of finding self sang from sweet children.
A tot accidentally called her teacher Mummy.
The tot giggled.
The teacher giggled.
The children giggled.
The ebb and flow continued.
Simple things educate.
- COMMENTS
This has such promise! You see things beautifully but you need to convey them less obviously....May I be presumptuous and give you my take on your poem, please.
Small feet patter on laminated tiles
And smiling brown faces stream in, effortless joy.
Big crayons in little fingers drawing large as life
With the happy noise of finding self sung by sweet children.
One, by accident, calls me Mummy.
In sudden realization she giggles,
I giggle.
The class erupts in laughter.
The ebb and flow. (You might discard this altogether.)
Simple things educate.
This way you place the children and the teacher in a classroom with little detail then narrow it down to this one, sweet incident. I think the repetition in lines 6, 7 and 8 are a bit too saccharine. It's a lovely little moment in time -well worth the effort to capture. Thank you.
Agreed. I liked the images but the lurches dangerous toward twee. The comment (and authorial commentary in poetry is dangerous) gives it a little push.
would be better without the last line, you don't need the moral of the story