- Erotic Poetry
- Taking Off My Top
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Click hereYou sit on the couch,
I stand before you.
You noticed me outside,
a minute before
washing my car
my jeans of blue, my t-shirt of white.
You urge me and you urge me,
so eagerly
to take off my top.
And so I listen,
and I notice your bottom lip glisten with spit.
I reach down to the bottom of my top
and very slowly peel it over my head.
Revealing myself,
my stomach, my ribs,
and I hear you gasp, when I expose my tits.
I gently lift it off for good,
the collar teasing my long locks of hair.
I let my t-shirt drop to the floor,
and here I am before you:
stomach quivering and excited,
tits standing out,
nipples hard,
lips curved into a smile.
- COMMENTS
Not commenting on the poetry, which others have already discussed. I felt like you were telling the truth. What it must feel like. That is what I liked. The truth.
...I agree with bfalgsst. You could cut quite a bit out, make it more compact and create far more impact. "Moment-in-time" poems are among my favourites but you have to maintain interest in your readers. Having said that - well done - keep writing.
Tess
The rest of your poem is in normal everyday language, "Jeans of Blue" and "T-shirt of white" is out of place, messes up the flow. As a whole, it's a descriptive moment, but probably better suited for a story and not a poem. best of luck