Afraid of What Exactly?

I shut my eyes so no one could see me roll them when her order came through. I had seen her walk in again and felt totally inferior. She was tall with immaculate make-up and beautifully styled hair. She looked amazing in her workout gear; her diamond rings shining in the October sunlight.

"Half decaf, half soy, half almond latté with half a sugar for Charlotte." I sung out as I poured the last of the milk in the cup forming a heart pattern.

"Thanks honey! Love your earrings by the way! Have an awesome day."

Work was steady but I ignored most of my customers. I had been working at The Dark Room for over three years. We specialised in black coffee- filters, espresso and iced blends that showcased the flavour of the coffee beans and yet there were always the Charlotte's of the world who wanted complicated orders. Simon, my boss and head barista, didn't care as long as the customer paid, and Charlotte paid top dollar.

"She is one sexy woman!" Simon exclaimed after she had left, "I mean, I'd even consider getting flavoured syrups in if she ever asked for them."

"I'll tell Nance then, but she'll probably just tamp your cock into a chamber and pour boiling water over it. Long black for James." I looked up and passed the next coffee across the machine to the waiting customer.

Simon and Nance had been good to me. I had seen the advertisement for a café assistant and applied with a handwritten letter and CV. I delivered it with my almost four-year-old daughter, Poppy, who had formed an immediate bond with Nance, despite her middle-aged gothic like appearance.

"I, um, used to work for a coffee chain in high school and I know how the machines work. I'm putting Poppy in childcare three days a week and I, um, well, I need the money."

Nance had interviewed me on the spot and offered me a trial. I hadn't finished high school. My pregnancy put an end to that. I had not been in love with Davo, Poppy's father, but I was a hormonal teenager. As soon as he discovered I was pregnant he freaked and told me to 'get rid of it' as if 'it' was merely something that could be thrown out with the trash. When I applied for this job, I had just turned 21 and decided I needed to make changes so Poppy could have a better life than me.

My own father had not been on the scene for many years and Mum had tried her best, but she and I had lived in what seemed like an endless existence of poverty. She'd had me when she was a teenager and so the cycle had continued. Mum had, however, found Jesus and met a man in her congregation who lived on a boat and the two had gone sailing off into the sunset. She seemed happy, but my new stepfather gave me the creeps.

After a few months Nance made me permanent and she and Simon started teaching me all about the intricacies of coffee. I had never met anyone like them before. They had been married for over 25 years and had chosen not to have children. Nance dyed her long hair black and applied black eyeliner and black lipstick liberally and was always wearing flowing black dresses. The Dark Room had been their child- a coffee shop down a dark alleyway, with black walls covered in black and white photographs, specialising in black coffee. Every Friday the 13th, black coffee was half-price and October was her black magic month leading up to Halloween. This year Nance was super excited as she was able to carry the magic through until Friday, 13th November.

Simon seemed almost conservative compared to Nance. His uniform was black skinny jeans and a black-t-shirt, usually a metal band or one that a coffee producer had given him. His salt and pepper hair and beard toned the all-black look somewhat these days, but he still wore black thick rimmed glasses. When people commented on his beard, he joked that he'd worn one for years, long before it was hip.

In three years, I had progressed from dish pig, washing the breakfast plates that returned to the kitchen, to one of the lead baristas. My knowledge and love of coffee had deepened, and, despite my shy nature, I found myself interacting with customers as required.

"3 lattés, one on skim, 2 flat whites, one on soy, a cappuccino and a hot chocolate on skim for Julian."

"Thanks Sam! Those earrings are pretty cool!"

"You know you should try and flirt back with the customers who are nice to you, Chook! Julian comes in most days and he's always looking at you!" Simon passed me more shots of coffee for the next order.

"Gross. He's like in his 30s and wears a wedding ring."

"You're an attractive woman. Just because you had a bad experience with Poppy's Dad doesn't mean all of us are bastards."

"Chai on soy and skim latté for Nick." I did not want to have this conversation with Simon in the middle of the morning rush.

Looking to the other side of Simon I saw Chrissy taking the orders. She was a university student who worked a few shifts each week. She was another stunning woman, long blonde hair that she always wore in a high ponytail along with her short black shorts and fitted t-shirt. I was not into girls in a sexual way, but lately I had noticed how much most of them were more beautiful or more comfortable around people than me.

"They are awesome earrings! Where did you get them?" Chrissy asked as I handed her a long black.

"I found the charms and beads in a craft shop and made them. It wasn't hard."

"Well I'll give you twenty bucks if you make me a pair!"

"That's too much, I mean, the beads are like cents and the charms aren't that expensive."

"I don't care, I like them, and I know how much they cost in the jewellery shop around the corner. Please, Sam!"

I wanted to tell Chrissy I did not need charity, but I also knew the $20 would come in handy.

Nance had also admired my earrings and asked for a pair, except she wanted black beads around her pumpkins, not purple and orange as Chrissy and I had chosen.

"Actually, there's 3 of you girls and me who work here so how about I give you $100 and you make everyone a pair and I'll pay for yours too, Chook."

"It's too much, honestly."

"No, it's not! Use some of it to buy some craft stuff for Poppy, you know how much she loves her crafts!"

So Poppy and I went to the craft shop after school. They still had pumpkin charms available and I chose a mixed bag of beads to produce different coloured earrings for the girls at work.

"Poppy!" I heard a child scream in delight and turned from the earring clasps I was looking at to find Poppy embracing another girl in the same school uniform as her.

"Gemma? Gemma? Where are you?" Lo and behold I was greeted by Charlotte, my beautifully put together customer from that morning. "Hello! You're the coffee girl! Is this your sister?"

"Um, hi, I'm Sam. This is my daughter, Poppy."

"Oh, wow! I, um, wow, no, I'm sorry."

"Yeah, I was, um, young."

"Gemma talks about Poppy all the time! I must have her over for a playdate sometime."

"Can I Mummy, please?" Poppy looked at me with her huge green eyes full of longing.

"Of course, if Mrs..."

"Just call me Charlotte, Poppy. Does Saturday afternoon work for you both?"

"Um, yes, yep, um, I don't work weekends. I don't drive so, um, we'd have to catch the bus."

"How about we talk about it tomorrow morning when I grab my coffee?"

That evening after Poppy was in bed, I made the earrings for my colleagues. I thought about Charlotte and her offer for a playdate. Apart from my colleagues I had few friends. I worked weekdays so I could spend the weekends with Poppy and I did not really know any of the school parents. When Poppy was born there was a group of teenaged mothers who met for a while, but the only thing we had in common were our motherhood status and I did not get along with any of them. It had felt like High School and I was lower than the lowest on the pecking order.

Charlotte seemed a little different though. Despite her strange drink, she did not seem stuck up or pretentious and she genuinely seemed happy for Poppy to go around for a play on the weekend. I realised it was my intimidation with her perfectly put-together self and perhaps she was indeed a nice person.

"Half decaf, half soy, half almond latté with half a sugar and a long black for Charlotte."

It was later in the morning when Charlotte called for her half caffeine fix.

"Thanks Sam! Um, got a tic?" I looked around and noticed it was not busy and nodded at Gemma's mum. "Gemma has dancing Saturday mornings. I could pick up Poppy after that and she could come over for the day?"

"Um, ok. I'll um, make some pikelets or something for you to eat."

"That would be lovely, thanks!"

I wrote out my address and gave it to Charlotte with my head bowed. We lived in a government housing area in a two-bedroom flat in a noisy block. Our finances did not stretch to dance lessons. I hoped that Saturday mornings might be quieter, but I also knew my neighbours would be out looking at the visitor, especially one as sophisticated as Charlotte.

"Um, we could meet you at the shopping centre across the road, if it's easier?" I said looking down still.

"If that works better for you that's fine with me!"

Poppy was so excited, and it was near impossible to get her to sleep on Friday night. Nance and Simon had brought pizza around for dinner and Nance, having checked with me at work, asked Poppy if she would like to go trick or treating on Halloween around their home.

Mum had never gone in for Halloween. She said it was an American custom, however Nance explained the Scottish origins to me at work one morning. We'd never had any children knock at our unit, but I suspected most people would have been too fearful to enter. Nance was almost as excited as Poppy.

"Can I dress up, Auntie Nance?"

"Of course, Poppy! I'm going as a fairy!"

"Really?"

"No, I'm going as a witch of course!"

"Can I be a witch too, Mummy?"

"We'll work something out, Popster!" I laughed.

The playdate was a huge success. Charlotte brought Poppy home to our door and readily accepted my invitation to come in for a cup of tea. Conversation was a little strained at times, but it was much more my unease than Charlotte's.

"Oh Mummy, it was the best!" Poppy told me after Charlotte and Gemma had left, "Raf, who I think is Gemma's Dad was so funny and Gemma's brother, Cody, well he was an idiot, but he's a boy so what do you expect?"

I had to try not to laugh at Poppy. She was doing so well at school, better than I ever had, however I also recognised she spent most of her life around adults and I was glad she had developed a friendship with Gemma.

Throughout the month Nance produced more and more Halloween themed decorations for the shop. She never decorated for Christmas, just Friday the 13th and Halloween.

"Decaf latté for Fi." I sung out as Nance passed me the next shot of coffee.

"I hope you don't mind, but I was in the costume shop and they had three witches' hats left and I grabbed them for Poppy and us." Nance was busy reloading the chamber with more ground coffee before tamping it down.

"Let me know how much I owe you."

"Don't be silly, Chook! Trick or treating is more for me than Poppy so I'm happy to pay for the hats!"

Simon and Nance shut the shop at noon on Saturdays and Halloween was no exception. Poppy and I had walked there from home ready to head to Simon and Nance's after we closed up and finished cleaning.

"You're not working today, Chook, sit and relax!" Simon had demanded.

"The sooner we finish, the sooner we can go." I said as I stacked more chairs together.

We spent the afternoon carving pumpkins with Nance telling Poppy the history of Halloween. None of my family had ever been religious however Nance and Simon both grew up in Catholic households.

"So, what happens when you die?" Poppy asked as she drew another face on a pumpkin ready for one of the adults to carve.

"Different people believe different things, Popster. I mean, Simon and I grew up in homes that honoured the saints and martyrs and faithful departed around this time of year. We'd light candles and remember our grandparents and other people who had died. I don't go to church now, but I like the idea of the spirits having a party at Halloween. I think the spirits are awesome and fun and like celebrating with the rest of us." Nance had Poppy enthralled.

"Gemma's sister died and she's now an angel." Poppy was so matter of fact.

I had not heard this and felt horrible for Charlotte. Despite our hardships, I could not imagine losing Poppy. I had never really confronted death. My mother's parents had disowned her when she was pregnant with me and I had never met them. I had never really been made to consider death at all.

Nancy had prepared her block by dropping flyers in letterboxes of her neighbours telling them there would be trick or treaters on Halloween and if they wanted to give the children a treat, please leave their porch light on. Every house in the street had their light on and there were plenty of children about. Poppy loved knocking on doors and people gave her sweets with joy, telling her what a kind witch she was.

We were having so much fun that Nance suggested we walk around the next block too seeing there were plenty of other families out trick or treating as well.

"It's Gemma's house, Mummy!" Poppy ran to the front door even though the porch light was not on. It was a beautiful house with a magnificent garden.

"Popster, the light isn't on, so we won't knock."

"It's ok, the telly's on. Someone's home!" and Poppy rang the bell.

"Hey Poppy! Gemma's out with Cody and Charlotte trick or treating. I've run out of lollies, but I've got an apple if you like?"

"Thanks, Raf!" Poppy did not mind in the least that she was not getting more sweets.

"And who are the other beautiful witches you are with? Hi, I'm Raf."

"Um, Sam, I'm, um, Poppy's mum." I said taking Raf's hand as it was offered to me.

"Poppy's told me so many wonderful things about you. I can see where she gets her beautiful auburn hair from now."

"Um, this is Nance, my friend and my boss. She owns The Dark Room where I work."

"Nance, pleasure to meet the lady who keeps me caffeinated when Charlotte remembers to bring me home a long black- those beans are magic!"

"You should come in yourself sometime."

"Yeah, um, I should, shouldn't I. When are you working next, Sam?"

"I'm there Monday to Friday from 7."

"Mummy, can we go to the next house now?" Poppy was getting impatient, so we said our farewells and moved on.

"What a spunk!" Nance swooned as soon as Raf had closed his door.

"He's Charlotte's husband! Was he actually flirting with me? I mean, I thought he might have been."

"Yes, I believe he was!"

"But he's Charlotte's husband. What a prick."

"Yeah, but a spunky prick at that!"

"They're perfect for each other, they both have that sophisticated look about them."

Poppy had a ball going house to house. She did not mind what people gave her as a treat and lapped up the attention she was given for her costume. She was exhausted when Nance dropped us home. Nance insisted on putting her to bed and digging into her lolly collection!

"We need to find you a nice man like that Raf, Chook."

"I don't think any nice men will be interested in me. I mean, I'm pretty plain, I'm poor and I have a daughter."

"You are plain out pretty, Chook! Surely, you've noticed how the customers react to you! Your smile, when you choose to use it, lights up the room! I know you're shy, but men do find you alluring!"

Nance and Simon were the closest I had to family. Mum had been gone almost 4 years and hardly ever contacted us. They both called me 'Chook' as a term of endearment and it had grown on me.

I knew I hid behind my shyness. It took me ages to be able to call out orders loud enough so people could hear. Now it was second nature to me. I had started trying to banter with the customers, but it was difficult for me and I seriously doubted anyone would want to take on a young mother and her daughter. Nance had been right though, Raf was a very handsome man. He had the same high cheekbones as Charlotte, but a square jaw and blonde wavy hair that almost floated on his head. When he smiled, his deep blue eyes shone. It still felt dirty that he might had been flirting with me, but at the same time it was nice to have been noticed by a man.

We had finished our early morning rush on Monday and Chrissy had gone on a quick break. I was tending the till taking orders when I saw Raf walk in. I immediately sensed the heat flowing to my cheeks and my palms became sweaty.

"Morning!" Raf said, a smile beaming across his face, "What do you recommend?"

"We've got a Columbian and an Ethiopian on the filter bar or our black seasonal has hints of citrus at present if you want coffee through the machine."

"What's your favourite, Sam?"

"Um..." I wanted the ground to open and swallow me whole.

"Chook loves her shlongs!" Simon said as he tamped down more coffee.

"It's not a true long black, but it's longer than a short black." I managed to get out.

"Sounds good! I'll have one of them please!"

I rang up his order and then took it over to his seat at our bar table.

"No Charlotte this morning?" I questioned as I put the drink in front of him.

"She's at yoga or something and dropping by after that."

"She's been lovely to me and I'm very grateful." I said wiping the counter in front of him and hoping he might take a hint.

"She is a sweetheart, that's for sure. Hey, this is good! What did you call it again?"

"A shlong." I said again turning bright red.

I left Raf to his coffee and saw Charlotte arrive dressed immaculately again in her workout gear.

"Hi Charlotte, it's a half decaf, half soy, half almond latté with half a sugar, right?"

"Yes! Good memory! I'll go and sit with Raf and dine in today. Can you add a couple of brownies too please? I mean, we've been living on Halloween sweets all weekend, but I know how good your brownies are! Glad you met Raf the other night too." Charlotte smiled and I saw her give Raf a kiss on the cheek as she sat next to him.

"How can you drink that monstrosity?" Raf asked Charlotte as I placed her drink in front of her and brownies in front of them both.

"Well I can't have too much caffeine and I don't like decaf and I can't have dairy and I hate soy and almond by themselves..."

"Have you tried our decaf as a black coffee? It's decent coffee. I allow myself one shot of caffeine when I arrive but live on the decaf for the rest of the day or else I'd never sleep."

"What's that you're drinking, Raf?"

"It's called a shlong! It's a short long black or long short black or something and it's bloody delicious!"

"I'll make you one on decaf to try, on the house." I hated making Charlotte's half this half that coffee with a passion and if I could convince her to try something different it would make my life easier.

"This is good! Are you sure it's decaf?"

"Yeah, they're special beans. Simon and Nance hunted high and low for them."

"And no sugar?"

"No, I find it fairly sweet and I love the chocolate and hazelnut overtones that shine through. As I said, I drink it fairly regularly or else I'd be bouncing off the ceiling!"

"That might be fun to see!" Raf interjected with his huge smile.

"It might be fun to see, but it's not fun to feel."

"Have you asked her?" Charlotte turned to Raf with a quizzical look.

"No, um, Sam, I was, um, wondering, if, um, perhaps, um, Poppy might, um, like to, um, well, um, have a play with, um, Gemma after school and um, we might, well, perhaps, um, grab a coffee or, um, a drink or, um something."

"I'm sorry?" I'm sure I looked confused, "I don't know what sort of marriage you have and it's none of my business and I'm not going to stop Poppy and Gemma being friends, but I'm, um, not into kinky shit."