Afraid of What Exactly?

"Oh my gosh," Raf looked shocked and Charlotte could not stop laughing, "She's my sister!"

"But..." again I wanted the ground to open and swallow me.

"I can see you're a little shocked, honey and I'm sorry! My goofy big brother here, can sometimes string a sentence together, I mean it's not like he doesn't do it for a bloody living, but just to clarify, Raf and I are both single and I'm sure I speak for both of us, but we're not into kinky shit with each other either!"

"I'm sorry," I turned to Raf, "But why? I mean, I'm nobody, I'm, um, nothing special or anything!"

"You've got beautiful eyes and they light up, especially when you talk about coffee and you are an amazing mum who has an incredible daughter who is best friends with my niece."

"I just don't, well, I mean, I've never dated and I'm not sure what, or no, I mean, I just well, um..."

"OK you two! You are both as bad as each other! I will collect the girls from school, Sam, can you let the school office know? And then Raf, you can go and get Sam from her place and bring her home and we can have a meal together. I've prepared a lasagne, I hope that's ok?"

"It's Poppy's favourite."

"Good! Now Raf- what time do you finish this afternoon?"

"Um, I've got a lecture 'til 4, but I'll call by and grab you by 4.30? Actually, shit, is that the time? I've got a student seeing me in half an hour, I better run. Um, I'll see you later, Sam and Charlotte, thanks!"

"You look shocked, honey!" Charlotte looked at me with concern in her eyes.

"I just don't, I mean, why me?"

"Do you like Raf?"

"I don't know, I mean, I hardly know him!"

"But you don't have a sudden dislike of him."

"No, and Poppy tells me how funny he is, she likes him and she's a great judge of character."

"He's amazing with kids. We've, well, our family has had its share of heartache in recent years."

"Poppy told me Gemma's sister died."

"Yeah, she doesn't tell people her Aunt and baby cousin and grandparents died too."

"Oh my god, I'm so, wow. That's horrible."

"They were all at Raf and Michelle's home. Raf was on school camp so our parents were there helping. Grace, my eldest wanted to spend time helping too. She was 8. Gemma was 18 months old. Cody was 5. He was meant to stay there too, but he chose to come home with me. Their gas heater was faulty, and they were poisoned with carbon monoxide. None of them would have known a thing. I dropped Grace off after school and was going to collect her after dinner. I called around at 7 and they were all slumped in the loungeroom."

I'm not sure if Simon had been listening in, but he whispered in my ear that it was time for me to take my break and I need not hurry back.

"I, um, it's my break and, um, can we talk outside?" I asked Charlotte as I filled my water bottle.

"So Poppy and I were talking about death on the weekend, you know Halloween and stuff. I mean, I don't really know anyone who's died or anything."

"I'm sure you've had other hardships. It can't be easy raising Poppy by yourself."

"Yeah, but I mean I can't imagine losing Poppy. Is um, their dad still around?"

"No," Charlotte chuckled, "He was the gas fitter who installed the heater that was faulty. As soon as he realised what he had done he killed himself."

"Shit. Wow. I mean, I just, I really, I can't, um..."

"It's ok. It was over 5 years ago now. Raf was an amazing teacher, but he's moved into academia now and lectures at the university. It's a waste in some respects but in others, he's influencing the teachers of tomorrow."

"What about you? I mean, you always look so perfect."

"I put on my happy face and I get on with life. I'd just finished my law degree when I discovered I was pregnant with Grace. My parents weren't impressed. They weren't that keen on Paul, but I felt we were in love. We chose to get married. I found a great job working in estate planning, lots of wills, but also lots of talking with people. I continued part-time when Grace was a baby. After Cody was born, I started my own small business from home. I work a bit during the day, but I am choosy about what I do. Paul had life insurance which paid off the house, so we were fortunate in that aspect."

"I mean, compared to me, you're so smart and beautiful and I'm well, I mean, I'm..."

"You are incredibly smart and beautiful too!"

"I didn't finish high school!"

"That doesn't mean you aren't smart."

"How old's Raf?"

"Does it matter?"

"I mean, you had Grace when you finished studying and that was 13 years ago so that places you in your 30s and you said Raf is your older brother..."

"Look, you are both shy people. Raf's wife was 8 years younger than him, he doesn't mind younger women!"

"I suspect I am a bit more than 8 years younger than him though!"

"When you saw him Saturday night how old did you think he was?"

"I thought he was younger than you."

"How old did you think I was?"

"About 30."

"Don't get hung up on age. Get to know Raf. You may end up fizzling out. It may end up being something amazing!"

Something amazing? I was not sure I deserved something amazing. I excused myself and made my way back inside.

"You ok, Chook?" Simon asked as I returned to the coffee machine.

"He's um, he's not her husband, he's her..."

"Brother, yes! They both look very similar! And I think he likes you."

"We're um, we're all having dinner tonight together."

"Good!"

"But he's like, in his 30s. He's a bit older than me."

"You do realise Nance is 9 years older than me, don't you?"

"I thought you were both about 50."

"Nance will love you! It's her 60th next April!"

I never would have picked it. I spent the rest of my shift worrying about the upcoming dinner. I remembered to call the school office and they passed a message on to Poppy and her teacher.

Raf knocked on my door just after the time he promised. "Wow! I've only ever seen you in black, but I'm loving the red!" I had changed into a long floral skirt and red tank top with matching cardigan.

"Oi! Sam! I offered you a fifty for a blow job- I hope he's paying you more than that!" Jacko one of my neighbours yelled out as we walked past his door. I tried to ignore him, but I felt the tears welling in my eyes.

"I, um, usually meet people at the shops across the road, not that I meet many people, I mean, I've never accepted money for sex. I don't want you to think the wrong things about me."

"Your neighbour sounds like a prick. And if you did accept money for, like, sex, I, um, I doubt I'd ever be able to afford you."

My tears turned into a giggle as Raf held the car door open for me.

"Charlotte told me about your wife and baby. I'm sorry."

"She did, did she?"

"I never know what to say at the best of times, but I mean, I've never known anyone who's died and Halloween was the closest I've come to talking about death with Nance and Poppy and I'm just rambling, now, aren't I?"

"So, she told you about Grace and Paul and our parents?"

"Yep. I just, I don't have words."

"And you know what, that's ok! It's one of the nicest things people can say, I mean what words can really make a difference, anyway?"

"She didn't tell me your baby's name."

"How about we do grab that drink on the way home?"

I smiled. Raf pulled into a small bar near their home and ordered us both a glass of wine. I hardly ever drank but accepted out of politeness. It was crisp and fruity, and I suddenly felt grown-up sitting across from a man in a bar sharing a drink.

"Michael, um, Mikie was our son. He was 8 months old."

I took another sip of my wine as Raf told me about Michael and Michelle. Michelle had been a teacher as well and was preparing to return to work part-time when they died. It was clear Raf still found their loss painful.

"It sounds like you were both amazing teachers. Perhaps if I'd had you as teachers, I might have turned out better, but I was a shit in the classroom so you probably wouldn't have liked having me!"

"I can't see that being possible! I mean I suspect you would have been one of the quiet kids."

"I was quiet, but I never applied myself. I was a bit of a follower and always in the wrong crowd."

Technically, I thought, Raf could have been one of my primary school teachers. I had already figured he was at least 10 years older than me, and yet talking to him ended up coming easily, far easier than I found talking with Charlotte after she dropped Poppy off after her playdate. Of course, the wine was also helping us both loosen up a little bit.

Our conversation moved to coffee and we laughed as I talked of some of the other odd coffee orders people other than Charlotte ordered. We'd finished our drinks and Raf was telling me about some of the weird things his students had told him over the years, again making us both giggle like children.

Our conversation was interrupted by Raf's phone pinging to show there was a message.

"It's Charlotte wondering where we are- dinner is 15 minutes away apparently!"

I looked at my watch- an hour had passed. An hour spent in the company of a man, talking like adults. An hour where I hadn't embarrassed myself and was able to carry on a conversation with someone I did not know very well.

"Thanks for the wine. It was, um, nice." I said as Raf started the engine of his car.

"I spend my days around young adults, but you seem so much more mature than most of my students."

"Well, I mean, I'm only, like 24, not that much older than some of them I suppose."

"Dad was a few years older than Mum and he always joked that you were only as old as the woman you feel."

With that comment I turned bright red and chose to look out the window. Was Raf indicating that he might like to touch me? I had not been with a man since Davo and he had been my one and only. I had never enjoyed sex. Occasionally I would have an erotic dream, usually about an actor I had seen on television, but the thought that I might actually be desirable was something I had tried to hide.

Dinner was delicious. Poppy and Gemma talked about their school day and I discovered Cody was a shy creature like me.

"Cody," I whispered in his ear, "Can you please pass me the salad bowl?"

The bowl was right in front of him and I could have leant over to get it, but I felt it was important to try and acknowledge his presence with the girls stealing the conversation.

"Do you sometimes wish they'd just be quiet?" I whispered again in his ear.

Cody nodded and started giggling. The girls did not seem to notice, but I saw a smile creep across Charlotte's mouth.

"What does Poppy do in the mornings when you work?" Charlotte asked as we loaded the dishwasher.

"She sits in the café and draws mainly. One of us races her the two blocks to school soon after 8. It's not ideal, but it is what it is."

"You know it would be no trouble for me to pick her up on my way through with Cody and Gemma. Would that help you at all?"

"Um, yeah, that would be, um, good. Perhaps I should, um, grab your number though, in case, um, something happens or whatever?"

Charlotte and I exchanged numbers. Raf had been extremely quiet over dinner and excused himself to his bedroom office as soon as we had finished, Charlotte telling him that we had the dishes sorted.

"Raf!" Charlotte called out, "I'm taking Sam and Poppy home, Cody is staying here, but Gemma's coming with me."

"Oh, um, ok then," Came Raf's reply as he exited his room, a furrowed look on his brow, "I, um, would be happy to take them."

"You've got marking to finish, haven't you? The booster seats are in my car anyway. See you. Cody, you better be out of the bath by the time I get back, ok?"

"Um, Sam," Raf pulled me aside as Charlotte buckled the girls in the back seat, "Thanks for the drink, I, um, really enjoyed spending time with you."

"It was nice. Thanks. Perhaps, um, well, we, um, might do it again sometime."

Raf was beaming as he opened my car door, closing it behind me as I buckled my own seatbelt.

"OK! I'm not sure what has happened," Charlotte started as she reversed out of their drive, "But he's gone from moping since you got here to now beaming again. I didn't want him to drive you home in his moping mood, so I'm glad you've sorted things out."

"I, um... Our drink was nice. We chatted and laughed a lot. Coming to yours though he made a comment about age and I freaked a little."

"Alcohol does loosen our Raf a little! When he told me about you knocking at our door on Halloween and what he had said to you I was shocked and I think he was too, but I have been encouraging him to catch up with you."

Charlotte and I talked on the brief drive to mine and I could see how much she cared for her brother.

"Some afternoons after school I take the kids for a walk around the lake to wear them out a little. Would you care to join us tomorrow?"

Charlotte was nowhere near as tongue tied as her brother could be, but I could sense a vulnerability shining through as she asked us to join her.

"What do you think, Popster? Do you want to go for a walk around the Lake with Cody and Gemma after school tomorrow?"

The shrieks from the girls were almost deafening. It amazed me how outgoing my daughter was considering my own insecurities.

Charlotte picked Poppy up for school from the café and came back to tell me how easy it had been and to grab a coffee-- a decaf shlong! We did not have time to chat and I did not feel comfortable suggesting she take a coffee home for Raf, but I found myself thinking about him and wondering if he might pop in.

"Flat White for Harry." I called out as I started pouring milk into the next coffee.

"Thanks Sam! Looking good as always!"

I shook my head and smiled.

"You seem more relaxed today, Chook." Simon passed the next shot of coffee to me.

"I, um, caught up with Raf for a bit last night before dinner. 2 Cappuccinos, one with 2 sugars for Poe. It was nice."

"He seems like a nice bloke; I know Nance thinks he's hot- she hasn't stopped telling me about it!"

"Well he's not displeasing on the eye, that's for sure! Long black and a cold drip for Maria."

I found myself thinking of Raf more and more as my shift wore on and made uncharacteristic mistakes with orders. Simon laughed about it and told me it was fine, but it embarrassed me. I was usually so switched on at work and this was unlike me.

"I'd ask you to make me a chai, Chook, but I'm not sure what I'd get!" Nance joked as she poked her head from the kitchen, "I'm really glad though that your mind is elsewhere and perhaps focussing on something other than work or Poppy."

The walk with Charlotte and the kids was more relaxing than I ever thought possible. Charlotte was easy to talk with. The conversation turned to her brother as we took the first bend on the path we were walking; the children having skipped on ahead.

"Raf told me you'd mentioned you might be up for some more time with him."

"Yeah, I enjoyed our drink yesterday. I, um, well, I found myself thinking about him at work today and made all sorts of silly mistakes. Luckily Simon and Nance saw the funny side of it."

"Have you had any boyfriends since Poppy was born?"

"Nah. I've never known where to look, plus I didn't want people to think I couldn't do it by myself, you know with Poppy and all."

"He likes you, you know."

"Maybe. I mean, it's just so weird, don't you think? I mean, he's probably only slightly younger than my mum."

"The age thing is getting to you still?"

"I'm just so inexperienced and all and like, I'm young and I've always been too scared to look at men and like, I've never been with a man really. Davo was 16 like me when we, you know. I still felt young and I almost feel like I've been trapped as a perpetual teenager, without the teenage antics I suppose."

"You're questioning your own maturity then?"

"I don't know. I mean, before last night I'd never shared a drink with a man at a bar. It's the most grown up thing I've ever done."

"You mean apart from being an amazing mum, holding down a full-time job, keeping a flat organised by yourself? Give yourself some credit, honey, you're pretty amazing!"

We walked on for a bit and I thought about Charlotte's counsel. I had few friends my own age. Simon and Nance were older than my mother and even I hardly ever heard from her these days. I'd missed the coming of age celebrations my friends all had- getting their driver's licence, graduation from high school, twenty-first birthday parties. I'd gone straight into being a mother and responsible for someone else when I was 17.

"You seem pretty keen on setting me up with your brother. What about you though? Someone with your glamour must have guys queuing! Oh fuck, I'm sorry. That was insensitive, I mean you've dealt with a lot. Sorry."

"Don't stress, honey! My marriage was all but over before Gemma was born. She wasn't planned and Paul wasn't keen on three kids. I wanted to kick him out, but never had the guts to. I still blame myself for Paul's involvement in the accident. I mean, if I had left him, Raf and Michelle wouldn't have asked him to install their new heater."

We walked on in silence for a while. I did not know what to say to Charlotte that would help the situation and decided silence might have been a better option than me saying the wrong thing.

"I've got a guy I see every couple of weeks. It's just for sex. He has his children week about with his ex and isn't looking for a relationship and neither am I really, so this arrangement suits us."

"Wow! So, um, how did you meet?"

"His daughter's in Cody's class. We'd seen each other around school, but it wasn't until I saw his profile on an online fuck buddy site that I took any notice."

"You mean there's sites for stuff like that?"

"Honey, there's sites for almost anything you can imagine!"

My imagination might not have been that adventurous, but it got me thinking about things I could search for on my phone once Poppy was in bed that night.

I thought about Raf as we walked. I wondered what sort of liaison he was looking for. Was he like his sister and wanted someone to have sex with? I wondered what sex with him might be like. Sex with Davo had been ordinary. I'd never orgasmed, and Davo just wanted to stick his dick inside me, never lasting longer than a minute or so. Mum had told me I should have just sucked his cock, but the thought of that did not excite me. Davo had never had any real feelings for me; we'd never sat and talked the way Raf and I had the night before.

"Mummy can we please have dinner at Gemma's again? Please?" Poppy pleaded with me as we finished our walk.

"Not tonight, but how about on Saturday we come back to the Lake and I'll bring some sausages and we can have a barbecue?"

"That sounds great!" Charlotte chimed in, "Raf might even be able to join us, I'll ask him if you like?"

Cody looked dejected about the idea until his mother suggested he invite one of his friends to join us.

"That is, if Sam doesn't mind?"

"Of course not! That's an awesome idea!"

And so, it was planned. I had thought I might ask Raf myself if he wanted to come, but Charlotte seemed intent on ensuring he was present.

We were coming to the end of the morning rush the following morning when I looked at the take-away cup in front of me and smiled.

"Shlong for Rafferty?" I questioned as he stepped forward from the back of the shop where he had been hiding.

"Thanks, I'm guessing Samantha?"

"Samella actually- that's what my mum came up with, but I dropped it back to Sam when I had Poppy."

Seeing Raf was there, Simon told me to take my break even though Chrissy usually took hers first.

"Have you got time to sit outside for a few minutes?" I asked Raf as I came to the front of the counter.