Cameron: How To Save Your Family

We held a Christmas party in the warehouse and handed out the cheques and had a nice dinner catered in.

My kids were there to enjoy the festivities. Summer holidays were at the end of the year. Backwards from what we know in the U.S. Here Christmas falls during summer holidays and this year the school break was from December 21st to January 27th. A long stretch away from school compared to what we're used to. But I had planned some adventures for us: some backpacking, a trip for a few days at the beach and to learn a bit about sailing, and I wanted to try a short holiday in a caravan. That's an RV to Americans. It was all good.

But then our plans changed.

**********

On December 22^nd just after 7 PM, just after we had finished supper, the doorbell rang. Laura shouted "I'll get it!"

Next, I heard, "What are you doing here?" I was in the kitchen loading the dishwasher, but what she said and the tone that she used to say it quickly got my attention. Clearly, she was very surprised. I dried my hands on the tea towel and went to the front door. What I saw, or rather who I saw, surprised the hell out of me.

"Hello Cam, Laura. May I come in?" There stood my ex-wife and the children's mother.

To say that I was surprised was...an understatement, to be very sure. My shock must have been on my face as Laura looked at me and said, "I guess this is for you to deal with." and she walked away. I saw Laura, Diane and Davey come to the living room and look at their mother. They didn't make a move to come to her. They were as shocked to see her as I was.

When I regained my senses, I motioned for Britt to come in. She had a small suitcase on wheels and pulled it inside the entrance and put the handle down. She was dressed nicely, jeans and a button-down shirt. She looked tired. But, I admit, she looked nice.

We all just stood there. I didn't know where to start, "So, Britt, I won't lie to you, I'm surprised to see you. It's been over a year and you've come a long way, so this must be important."

Britt had called the kids every few weeks to talk to them. I had emailed her the best times for her to call them. Given the huge time difference, I listed the times, in her time zone. If she just picked up her phone and called there was no telling where the kids might be, school, sleeping, whatever. I wanted Britt to talk to the kids, she was still their mother and I wanted her to not lose touch with them.

She looked like a deer in the headlights but looked me in the eyes and said, "I want to come home."

What the...? Out of the corner of my eye I could see the kids all looking at each other at the same time. Their eyes were all big and the expression on their faces was one of amazement. They were trying to figure out what was going to happen. I knew that I had to give Britt a chance to explain what it was that she wanted. "Well, have you been in Melbourne very long?"

"I just arrived and came straight here from the airport."

"You better come in and let us fix you something to eat."

I waved the kids over and they actually ran to Britt and they all hugged her at the same time. It made me happy to see that they still felt something for their mother; even if her feelings for them were in doubt. What caring mother goes for a year without seeing her young children; that's not a question.

**********

The next few days were a challenge for me but the kids were happy to see their mother after a year apart. Britt had brought small Christmas gifts for each of them and they spent the next day's getting reacquainted. I stayed out of the way as much as I could and let Britt have this time with them.

Laure, my always wise daughter, asked me very quietly on the second day, why her mother came all the way to Australia, now. I thought for a few seconds before answering. My only guess was that Britt was lonely without having her children near and wanted to spend some time with them.

That second evening, after the kids were in bed, I asked Britt to have a talk with me. I poured us each a drink and we sat in the family room. "So, are you enjoying being back with the kids? They're happy to see you."

She took a sip, "Thanks for letting me stay here. I was serious when I said that I want to come home. You and the kids are my home, no matter where that is. I want you all back in my life, and I want back in your lives. My life hasn't been the same without you."

"What happened with your boyfriend, are you still with him?"

"I haven't seen him since before we divorced. I realized what a stupid woman I am. I let my...needs...ruin my life and drive away my family."

"So, what does that mean?"

"It means that I want another chance. I want to be your wife and I want to be a mother to those three kids again. I want that so bad. I'll do whatever it is I have to do to get you to take me back." She took a big gulp of her drink this time.

I took a drink as I tried to formulate my answer. This wasn't just an 'oh, okay, you're back' kind of thing, I had big concerns and I wanted to never have to feel the kind of betrayal that I felt when I learned that she was having sex with another man.

"Before we divorced, I waited a long time for you to change your mind about having sex with your boyfriend. I tried my best to be patient. I tried to look the other way. I figured that if I gave you space you might realize that you were putting your family and your future with us at risk. I tried to step up my game and be a better husband. I tried to be a better sex partner for you. But none of that made any difference to you. The final straw for me was when I was here in Melbourne last year and you took the opportunity to spend even more time with him. That, to me, was the thing that ended us. How do you propose to put us back together again?"

Britt thought a moment, "I tried to come up with a plan before I came here. I thought that I would throw myself at your feet and pledge that I would be better and never do it again; but that's not a plan. I know that I have to rebuild trust. I know that it won't happen overnight. I know that it will take a lot of work. But I'm ready."

"The one's that you'll have the most work to rebuild trust with are those three kids sleeping upstairs. They were very brave when we divorced. They worked very hard to move on without their mother. They are what got me through all this from the time that I found out about your affair. They were fantastic all through this move to Australia and they have never once complained to me about all the chaos in their lives." My eyes were starting to water as I talked about my children.

Britt nodded her head.

**********

Britt

This last year has been the worst year of my life. When Cam found out about my affair with Dean, he was so much in control of his emotions that I thought he didn't care. But he turned cold. He froze me out. And can I blame him. He had time to plan and he planned well. I really didn't know what to do. Without realizing it I had given up my entire family and they moved away.

The last year has been hell. I miss my children and I miss the life that I had with Cam, so much. I realized way too late that he is a much better person than I am. Yes, we planned those children together and yes, I gave birth to them and yes, I'm their mother. Or at least I was. And then I lost my entire family. I got stupid.

I'm lonely. I want to be part of my family. I want my family back so much. I've spent the last year going to weekly appointments with a therapist to try and figure out a few things. What do I really want? That was her question for me. I spent a long time trying to rationalize my affair with Dean. And then I realized that I really was stupid. I had a friend tell me that one Friday night when I was out for a couple of drinks with people that I work with.

The talk got around to me and she asked if I had heard much from Cam and the kids since they moved to Australia. I tried to dodge the question, but she came back to it. Had I called my kids much? Was I planning to go see them? What plans did I have for the holidays? Didn't I miss them? What she really was trying to get at was that I was a terrible mother, and wife. That I had fucked up so badly that my now, ex-husband, had taken the children and moved as far away from me as they could get without getting closer in the other direction.

The therapist basically said the same thing, only in much more clinical and polite terms. She tried to get me to say what it was that I wanted. What did I see as the outcome of being married and with a family and having a secret lover on the side? How is conceive of melding the two lives together? What was my plan for the future? Did I want other lovers if Dean moved on? Did I want Cam to become aware of my needs and did I want him to accept that I needed a lover to satisfy me sexually? Did I think that Cam would have objections to what I wanted? What was the eventual impact on me, him and the kids? I didn't have any answers. I was so fucked up.

Where it came to a head was the first Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays that I spent without my husband and children. The divorce was finalized, Cam and kids had moved to Australia and I was alone in a one-bedroom apartment. I tried to concentrate on work and I was still seeing Dean. Dean was trying, in his own way to say that he was getting tired of our weekly hook-ups and that the newness and excitement had gone. He was starting to date a new girl and decided that we had to end it.

That's funny, the guy dumping the woman. In the beginning he was thrilled to have sex with me and was like a puppy dog, all attentive when he was going to get a treat. I was the treat.

So, that thanksgiving I was alone. I didn't have time to go see my parents and my mother wasn't nagging me to come see them, like she used to do when the kids were with me. I talked to her but the conversation was pretty much limited to 'how were the kids? Did they like Australia? What were they doing? Did I know how Cam was doing?' That kind of thing. She asked if I had much time off but didn't put out an invitation to come to Thanksgiving dinner. I suppose it was a given that I would be there if I could or wanted to be there. I went.

My brother and his wife were there with their two kids. My brother was polite but I could see that he was looking at me...oddly. My sister-in-law, Kath, was a little more direct. When we were alone, and having a glass of wine, she came right out and pointed out the elephant in the room. "How the hell did you lose your entire family, so easily?"

I coughed a bit, but she continued. "I mean, did you put up a fight at all? Did you care enough for your marriage and children to do something about it?" She was working up a good head of indignant.

I exhaled to say something, but put her hand up to stop me, "Don't answer that, I know what you were doing, I hope it was worth the price you paid for it." She got up and left the room to be with her own kids.

Later that day, after my brother and father had had a few beers watching football, he commented to me "Fucking hell, Sis. I thought you were a lot smarter than that. You lost your family over a big dick!" He turned and left.

When it came time for Christmas, I was afraid to go home so I spent it alone in my apartment. Christmas dinner was a grilled ham and cheese sandwich and bottle of wine. The people that I work with avoided me when they were planning holiday get-togethers. There were lots of parties and booze; I went to two but the talk was always of plans with family. I usually left early.

So, there I was, the stupid woman that fucked away her family, all for recreational sex with a guy that had a dick that was really no better than my husband. Yes, it was a bit bigger, but size is not always what matters. I lost the love of my husband. I lost his respect. I lost my children. I lost my home. All that just to fuck Dean Billings once or twice a week. He wasn't worth it.

I kept seeing my therapist, now twice a week. She helped me get my head out of my ass and figure out what I wanted. I realized that I wanted back what I had. I wanted my family. I wanted their love. I wanted to see them, to touch them, to hold them, to do things with them and to...well, everything. I wanted the nightmare that was my life now, to stop. I wanted to wake up and see my husband and my children and I wanted to live a normal life.

My god, I can't begin to say just how sorry I am that I had an affair. At the time it was exciting I suppose. It was a secret that I kept from Cam and it was something that I told myself was okay. It was just recreational. It filled a need that I thought I had. I wanted the attention. I wanted an escape from the daily grind that our lives had become. I figured that it took nothing from Cam. I was a good wife and mother. What I did with Dean didn't matter to my family. I made sure of that.

I didn't realize it when Cam started to do lots of other things, stuff that he had stopped doing from before or put off; personal things, recreational things, fun things. Shit, he learned to skydive. I thought he was having a mental breakdown; now I know that he was trying to forget about me and what I was doing. I didn't realize that he knew what I was doing with Dean.

Cam was doing things to save himself. He bought that huge trailer and the truck to tow it and took the kids camping. I hated that thing. I figured out that I hated it because I wasn't the one to decide to buy it. It meant that Cam took control of our family. The kids loved it. They couldn't wait to go with him on the weekends to some place to get dirty. They were all having fun; without me. I pretended that I had to work.

And where did all this nonsense get me. High and dry without my family. Alone, and very lonely.

It's not surprising now, that the kids wanted to stay with their father and not me. They even told me that they were excited to move to Australia. They didn't realize that they were telling me that I had become unimportant to them. Maybe they knew that. They knew their father was the one to be with. He was the one they could count on. He was the one that did things with them. He was the parent that was the adult. I was never around.

When the kids helped me load my things in the car as I was moving out of the house, they asked me why I was leaving them. I didn't catch on, but Laura was watching me closely. She was trying to assess just how much I wanted her and her sister and brother. Did I want them enough to do something to keep them. Did I have it in me to fight for them. She got her answer. They were Cam's children now, not mine. I wasn't worth the effort for them to fight for me. I didn't know how to fight for them.

The last year has been hell. I need to fix this.

I had nothing to lose by getting on a plane and going to Melbourne. I had everything to gain. I had to find out if my family wanted me, at all. I didn't even know if my kids wanted me in their lives any more. I knew that Cam wouldn't want me. He was the one that started the divorce. But he was as nice about it as you could reasonably expect. He didn't advertise to our families what was really going on. He told my parents that we were 'growing apart.' It saved them from knowing the truth of my stupidity. I'm pretty sure that they eventually figured it out.

Coming to Melbourne was risky; I guess. I mean, what if Cam had a new woman in his life? What if he flatly refused to let me see my kids? What if my kids didn't want to see me? What do I do then; get back on the plane and go back to Albany? I guess that's all I could do.

When Cam let me in the house I was amazed. When my kids actually hugged me, I couldn't stop crying. It was as if I had been freed from prison. I didn't want to let go of them. Cam made me something to eat. I don't remember what it was; I ate it. I was in a daze. I couldn't sleep that night. Cam told me that I could stay with them.

The kids showed me the room where I could stay. It was Davey's room. He was going to stay on an air mattress in with his father. I tried to sleep, but my mind was going from one thought to another at light speed and sleep was forgotten. I stared at the ceiling. I couldn't believe what luck I had had in such short a time. Davey came to the door and knocked. I opened the door and he asked if he could sleep with me. The tears started to flow down my face. He climbed up on his bed and we snuggled. I never wanted to let go of my son. This was a start.

**********

Cam

What the hell do I do? Part of me wants to boot her to fuck out the door. I mean, it's been a year since she last saw her kids. She barely calls. She managed to send a gift to each of the kids on their birthdays. Thank goodness for Amazon. They did the delivery for her.

Now she's here. Tomorrow, we talk. I need to find out what she wants.

I got up early and made myself a cup of espresso to get my brain started. Since moving here I can't stand that weak piss that we pass off for coffee in the U.S. I bought an espresso maker and that's been my early morning salvation. A cup of strong coffee with a bit of cream gets my day in order before I get the kids off to school and me off to work. Thankfully, we're on a school break for Christmas. I had scheduled some time off for us to do some hiking and I wanted to take the kids to the beach and try our hand at sailing.

I heard Davey's door open. A moment later I heard the toilet flush. Britt appeared around the corner.

"Would you like some coffee?"

"Please."

Without saying anything to her I turned and made her a cup of espresso. "Thank you, Cam, this coffee is great."

"I discovered this stuff not long after we moved here. I have another coffee maker, but this is far better."

I stood on the kitchen side of the island while Britt took a stool on the other side. Britt was looking around and no-doubt noticing that the house was relatively sparsely furnished. We had the essentials, but little else. I was renting the house and didn't have the time or desire, or money, to decorate a house the same as you would when you planned to live there a long time.

"Last night you said that you want to come home. What do you mean by that?"

Britt took a big sip of her coffee and looked me right in the eyes and started to tell me about her last year. For the first time in a long time, I felt she was sincere in her words and emotions. She told me about the agony of the loneliness and how much she missed the kids and even me. I had questions.

"So, you and I are divorced; are you with anyone now?"

"No Cam, I don't have another man in my life."

"When did you give up your boyfriend, whatshisname?"

"I gave him up before we divorced."

I was somewhat amazed by that answer. "How long are you staying?"

"As long as you will let me."

"How is that going to work?"

"I want to be a mother to the kids again. And I would like to be a wife to you again." She paused and asked her own question, "Are you with anyone now?"

I held both my hands in the air, palms up, and gestured around the house, "You see anyone here besides us."

Britt turned her head to look around the kitchen, "No."

"I guess that answers your question. My life for the last two years has been solely to take care of my children and to help start a business. Other than that, no, there is no woman in my life." I didn't have the bloody time for a woman, right now. Not that I didn't want one. There would soon come a time when that part of my life would be important, again. But, sitting here in front of me was a woman that I had a long history with and she was telling me that she wanted to be part of our lives again.

I exhaled, took a drink of my coffee and asked, "So, you want to move here?"

"If you'll have me."

I thought for a moment about that and what I had to do. I needed to talk to the kids about this. This was going to have an impact on them. The impact could be very big. If they have their mother in the picture again that might be very good for them. I mean, kids need a mother. Especially girls. There was that whole thing of girls and puberty and how to handle it. It was difficult enough for boys but girls were a whole new thing for me to have to manage.