All Comments on 'Earning Danny Ch. 01'

Just make it super clear that both Jake and Danny are 18.

Also, it's a bit jarring jumping between perspectives. I would consider trying to write alternating chapters between a "Danny Chapter" and a "Jake Chapter."

Keep on writing!

I liked the story. You're off to a good start with characterization. Romance stories are tricky. Stay away from a soap opera style. The pov transitions could be better.

Hey guys!

This is my first story ever, so I´m doing the best I can, and I appreciate the comments and will keep them in mind as I continue writing. :)

The detailed physical description is too much - the big bum? Ick. A boy who swims and runs is likely to be slender with good shoulders and arms - he definitely won't have a big, round bum. You're combining the buttocks of a 100 m sprinter with a swimmer, but swimmers and sprinters have very different builds. Result? Your reader gets totally bogged down in the opening chapters. If you want to write a love story, write about things that last - bodies don't last, and should therefore not form the basis for the attraction between your characters. Too much description of bodies = lust story, not love story or romance.

I think your doing a really good job i can't wait to read the next chapter :)

I like the pace, characters, plot..the way you are developing this story, I look forward to the other chapters!

I disagree with most of the comments..the POV is clear because you state who the view is coming from, the physical description of Danny is fine because you never stated how long he has been a swimmer and running cross country, not everyone doing either/both sports physiques are the same..it's fiction and the writer's perogative to have Danny's assets be admired. We are talking about two teens and what one considers a bubble butt is his opinion.