Eric's Eagle

"Oh no, it's okay. Did you..." Mark wanted to ask if Eric ever came out to his parents but did not want to intrude further into this poor guy's personal life. "You mean, did I ever come out to my parents," said Eric, as if he had heard Mark's thoughts. Mark nodded.

"Yeah, I was such an emotional wreck after the news that Kevin was dead. I didn't eat. I didn't sleep. I didn't socialize with anyone. I completely isolated myself from everything and anyone. I dropped out of school. I gave up everything, because I had nothing to live for. Why should I care about anything if the only man I wanted to share my success with was dead, and because I used him as a secret closet boy toy?"

"My parents came to the motel I was staying at. They were pissed when they heard I had dropped out of Michigan and wanted to know what my problem was. My father was paranoid, asking how I could do it to him. To him! He went on and on about what a failure I had become, how stupid I was, and what a big mistake I was making." Mark noticed a sudden change in Eric's body language. He went from wallowing in self-pity to pure anger and fury.

"I told him, 'You want to know what a mistake is? Take a long, hard look at the biggest mistake of your life, because I am gay,'" he snorted, his hands visibly shaking. "You should have been there man, seeing their faces crumple up in shock and revulsion.

They ended all ties with me, saying that if I am old enough to be independent with my 'alternative decisions,' I was old enough to do without them. That's bullshit. They cut me off because of the so-called 'homosexual lifestyle' they both love to hate so much. They couldn't stand to have a faggot for a son, so they disowned me."

He sighed, resting his arms behind his head. He closed his eyes and sucked in some air. They were quiet for a full two minutes. "I haven't talked to them in eight months. This is the first time I've talked to my sister Laura in those eight months."

He rested his head on Mark's shoulder, feeling a sense of warm, calming energy that came from the older man. He wanted comfort so much from a man he had met barely three days before. Yet, those three days felt like so much more. He had even told Mark about Kevin's death. Something he had vowed never to tell anyone.

Eric knew he had crossed the line when he placed his hand on Mark's lap, but he didn't draw back. He wanted the comfort that he had been wishing for over these last three years. It wasn't until their lips met that he let go of everything he was feeling.

His lips taste like strawberries. I like strawberries. Somehow, he was able to leave his regret and remorse behind, and abandoned himself to a full make-out session. They both knew there could be tourists walking about, and this was the UP, not liberal Ann Arbor, but they were in their own world. They kissed more passionately up to the point that there erections were painfully restricted their pants.

"Oh God, I want you," moaned Eric in Mark's ear.

Mark was shocked. Sure he felt an attraction to Eric, but he wasn't about to take advantage of a man in such distress. That was not something that he would remember proudly, even if his aching erection said otherwise. "No, you're grieving. You need to go lie down."

"Yeah, sure..." he moaned. His eyes were red and tears stained his cheeks.

"Mark," he said in a hoarse voice.

"Yeah," Mark whispered.

"I really loved Kevin. I wish he was back here with me."

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"Stop, Eric. Stop!" Kevin yelled, while trying to evade the chasing Eric. He laughed all the way down a hill, slowing just enough to tease Eric with a touch of his hat. A hearty growl escaped Eric's mouth. Kevin was pretending to run away from a lust-filled Eric.

Kevin had given Eric a jaw-crushing kiss before stealing his shirt and running. Kevin was getting tired and threw the shirt away from him, but Eric was having none of it. He continued to chase Kevin until they were panting, knees weak. That's all he wanted, for his Kevin to be weak, so he could devour him.

"Gotcha!" and with that he spun Kevin and fell backwards with Kevin landing on top of Eric's muscled chest. "Oh God," he sighed, breathing heavily, trying to catch his breath. "Do you know how beautiful you look all sweaty and panting?" queried Eric as he stroked Kevin's lightly tanned lower back. "God, you're so beautiful. I love you."

"And I love you, too. I love you so much that I want to spend the rest of my life with you and only you." He bit his lip nervously. Kevin had never meant to proclaim his wished-for future with Eric so soon. This was the last day of the field trip and he had already told him he wanted to spend the rest of his life with him.

He placed his ear over Eric's heart. He reveled in hearing the steady heartbeat, in tasting the sweat escaping the taller man's pores. He closed his eyes, hoping he hadn't scared Eric away.

"You know, it's not going to be easy. Us. Together. We have to be careful." They stared into each other's eyes, a serious expression descending onto their faces. "I know that. It's just..." Kevin choked. He couldn't bring himself to tell Eric that he didn't like the idea of being a closet boyfriend.

"Babe, I know this isn't what you want, but I want you to know that I love you very much. I want to be with you, I really do, but it's not going to be easy. I want you with me when I finally have the guts to come out to my parents and the world. I want you by my side."

Tears rolled down Kevin's face because this was what he wanted to hear. Of course he knew it wouldn't be easy to be a closeted boyfriend, but he would be there when Eric finally faced the truth.

"Eric, I'll wait for you. I love you, and I want you to know that I'll wait. I've decided to go to Michigan with you. I know my parents will be mad and all, but there's nothing that can stop me from being at your side. I know it won't be easy, and whenever you do come out, I am going to be right there. Whatever you do, as long as you are faithful and stay yourself, I'll be right here waiting and I'll be fine."

They hugged each other, both crying. "I love you, my Kevin. Know that I will be faithful and only be with you."

They both heard a loud cry nearby. They were astonished to see a large bald eagle spreading its wings. Eric saw a gleam in Kevin's green eyes as he stared, dumbfounded, at the majestic bird surveying them from just a few feet away. The eagle looked at them both, its yellow hawk-like eyes seeming to stare into their souls before flying off.

"When I die, I want to come back as an eagle. I would love to be that beautiful, courageous bird flying in the sky. I want that."

"You already are, babe. You're my beautiful, courageous, strong presence just like an eagle, and no one will ever stop that."

---------------

Eric was nearly blown off his feet the moment he stepped out of the lodge. He had slept late, showered in cold water, and tried to run to the trek staging area. Wind gusts were forecasted to reach a staggering 45 miles per hour, but the festivities and the children's walk were already scheduled and a little wind was not going to stop the plans.

He had to place his feet carefully in order to stay upright. Arriving at the staging area, he somehow got weak-kneed when he saw Mark, who had the kids organized. Mark looked really mouthwatering today, his hair ravishingly swaying back and forth whenever a gust hit him. It reminded Eric of the way Kevin's reddish-blond hair had swirled whenever a stray gust touched him.

"Hey man, looks like you have the kids ready," he panted, doubled over and breathing hard from the exertion. Mark placed a hand on Eric's shoulder, "Yeah man you're kinda late."

"I know. I just... overslept." He hoped Mark wouldn't bring up their talk on the previous day. He regretted crying his eyes out to the near-stranger, and not just that, but kissing the man. He wanted to crawl under a rock, but he had to at least look professional for the kids.

"Hope you're feeling better."

"Yeah, I am."

He wanted to lighten the mood and talk about their daily lives, but the wind proved too strong. The kids were really having fun, their eyes and mouths wide open in amazement at the plants and animals they never saw at home. They stopped at an open field, where both men made sure all the kids were safe and in their view. Eric started to explain why he had been in such distress the day before.

"I got a call from Kevin's parents. Apparently the man who killed Kevin has a parole hearing coming up." Mark turned his head slowly. "I'm sorry. His death must have really been hard on you. If it isn't prying too much, what happened?"

"After he broke up with me and I left, he and some friends went out to a nightclub. I heard that he didn't want to go out, but his friends insisted that he get his mind off that closeted prick. At the club he got into a confrontation with a seventeen-year-old who was trying to get in with a fake I.D."

"Kevin urged the teen to leave when he started making a ruckus in the entrance. It got heated. They were pulled apart, but it didn't end there. Apparently, the teen was out for blood. He started calling Kevin a 'fag' and a 'cocksucker.' Kevin just waved his hand, brushing him away. That's when the asshole punched him in the face, but the way that creep punched him just makes me cringe."

The wind picked up even more, and they heard an eerie howling across the open field. The largest tree branches were swaying back and forth. Instead of scaring the little children, it created a windfall of apples and plums that drew them to the larger trees.

"The guy put so much into that punch that he broke his own hand. He ran away grunting while Kevin's friends looked after the victim." Eric's throat became dry and his voice faltered. "The love of my life died from a hemorrhage in the brain. At the trial, the prosecutor tried to pin it as a hate crime, but the defense claimed it was alcohol and teenage hormones.

In the end, he was found guilty of only involuntary manslaughter, and given six years." Mark scooped up the lone tear running down Eric's cheek. Mark wondered how this man could hold the pain in for so long. "I'm so sorry for your loss. I really am. I want you to know that I am here for you."

"It just makes me so mad that the love of my life died, and that bastard only has to pay six years of his life for it! Six motherfucking years! He'll soon be out on parole, and I have a life sentence of not having Kevin, besides the fact that my parents hate me for who I am."

Mark knew where the conversation was headed, and he wanted to tell Eric that he had to let it go. His only alternative to that would be wrong. Then they heard children's screams not far away. "Oh shit!" They ran toward the sound.

The wind was getting stronger and stronger. Mark tripped and fell on the grass. Eric didn't stop to help, but kept moving as the screams grew louder and louder. He saw a group of kids huddled around an old tree. Fruit was scattered around the area. "What's wrong? Is anyone hurt?"

A little girl pointed at a large branch that had fallen, and he saw what looked like two small heaps of clothing. He could hear some muffled screams. Two large trees blocked the other areas. "Mark, take care of these kids, I'm going to get the others." Mark did as he was told and took all the children at the tree to the open field.

Eric ripped through the shrubs and branches that were in his way. The howling of the wind made it hard to hear the screams just a few feet away. He felt the cuts each branch made, but he couldn't take the time to notice.

He finally reached the small circle where the two kids were trapped. They were both teary-eyed and trembled at least as much as the fallen branch shook in the wind. "Come on," he urged the frightened boys.

Four small, pale hands reached for Eric, hoping his warm, strong body would be a shield against the strong wind. "Hold on to me, don't let go." Both the little boys nodded, their wide eyes glassy with fear. Eric headed for the open meadow, but it was a lot harder carrying two small bodies huddled against him.

He exerted all his strength against the ever-increasing wind and dense undergrowth. "God, help me," he huffed, as a twigs whipped across his face. When the green shapes finally disappeared and the open field came into view, Eric threw himself and his precious burden to the ground.

"Are the kids alright?" Mark asked. He took a hand of each of kids and pulled them up, examining them to see if they were hurt in any way. They had a few bumps and scrapes but otherwise seemed fine. Eric kept panting, the breath sucked out of him, his energy drained. He couldn't muster the strength to move when he heard a tree trunk snap.

"ERRIIICCC!!!!" But it was too late. The tree had fallen on him. A ghastly groan escaped his lips. Eric's senses went awry, his vision and hearing becoming distorted. The last thing he heard was Mark's warning.

His eyes were closed. He could still hear his own faint breathing. He tried to move his arms and legs, but couldn't. He didn't know if they were pinned down, or...

The next thing he saw was a small group of people. They were all dressed in white. He noticed a kid of about fifteen smiling at him. He nodded back, but continued looking around. One figure was standing apart from the others, near a cliff. He was also wearing white, but he also wore the same Invader Zim hat that Eric remembered. Eric started toward him. The figure turned to look Eric straight in the eye and held out his hand.

-------------

Three years had passed since Eric first stepped foot in the national park. Three years since getting to know the man he loved, the man he had wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

Today was different. With an urn in hand, he was going to do the one thing Kevin wanted him to do for his death.

"Kevin, I miss you...so... fucking much." He spoke out loud, but had no hope that anyone would hear. All that could be done was to scatter the remains of his one and only love in the only place he knew Kevin would be happy.

"Oh Kevin, if only you were here with me." He staggered a little, tears streaming down his cheeks. He held the urn out and removed the lid. "I just want you to know that I will miss you forever. I will always love you, and I will cherish only one name forever, and that is yours."

He threw the lid off the cliff. In a short while he heard the lid splash into the water. The wind began to pick up and the branches and bushes swayed back and forth. "You would've been twenty years old today, babe. Twenty years. God, I miss you, Kevin."

He held the urn out. "This is what you wanted, babe. This is what you wanted all along, to be one with nature, to be one with the Earth. Here is your wish, Kevin. Just promise me that you will wait for me on the other side. Hold out your hand, take me with you. I hope you'll be there for me in the end. I love you."

He grabbed a handful of ashes from the urn and threw them at the sunny afternoon sky. The wind picked them up and blew them across the lake and into the trees. He continued until the urn was completely empty and his Kevin was one with the Earth and nature, just like he had said he wanted to be.

-------------

"You waited for me."

"Did I? Hmm..." he tilted his head a little, triggering another of Eric's treasured memories.

"Oh God, you don't know how much I missed you, Kevin. I wished to God every day of my life that I could turn back time and fix all the fucking mistakes I made. I miss you so, so much."

Kevin sighed, scratching his head. "I know you did, Eric. I've heard you tear yourself apart about it day after day."

Eric continued, "I just want to know if you can forgive me for all the pain I caused you. I know you should never forgive all the suffering you endured because of me, but please..."

Kevin looked around at all the others in white garments. "I do forgive you Eric, I really do. It really tears me up inside to see how much pain and suffering you have been through since my death. It really breaks my heart seeing you like that." A lone tear escaped his regal green eyes. Another treasured memory.

"Why should you feel sorry for me? I was the one that used you like some puppet on a string, a mere blow-up doll. I don't know why you should be so sad on my behalf. I practically killed you."

Kevin looked at him like he had been struck by lightning, his face ashen and twisted in horror. "I can't believe that you, Eric Holden, would say something so cruel, something so downright cruel as to think you killed me. Why do you treat yourself like this?"

"It's true. I killed your trust, I killed your love, but most importantly, thanks to my stupidity and complete selfishness I killed you. God, Kevin I can't believe you're gone. All this time has been such a huge nightmare that I don't know how I can live. I've given up on hope." He looked out over the cliff. The sun's glow at dusk gave the sky an ethereal orange light. "I just want your forgiveness...please."

He felt a hand touch his shoulder. He turned to see the same fifteen-year-old boy he had first noticed. He has white blonde hair and the biggest black eyes he had ever seen. It then hit him. "You're..."

"Yep, it's Ryan," he said, his youthful voice entrancing him.

"I just want you to know that Kevin does forgive you. Just like I've forgiven him for what happened to me. I never blamed him. He has never blamed you."

Eric couldn't believe him. He wanted to, but it wasn't until he looked at his first true love that he began to realize those words were true. Kevin's green eyes were speckled with bits of gold, and were filled with nothing but love. He nodded. It was true. It had been true all along.

"Eric, I never blamed you for what happened to me. I forgive you for what you caused, but I never blamed you for my death."

"Oh Kevin, I love you so much!"

Kevin nodded, tears falling freely from his eyes. "I know. I love you, too."

Eric's body began to dissolve, his once-solid form beginning to glow. "What's happening?" he asked as he saw his hand disappear.

"You're going back," Ryan said, quietly.

Eric began to panic. This was the first time he'd seen Kevin. He had had a few moments with him, and he now wanted more. He wanted to be with him.

"No, Kevin. I don't want to leave! I want to be here with you. I love you! Please, let me be here with you." He spoke in a desperate plea as his legs evaporated. He felt like someone was pulling a trick on him.

"You can't, Eric. But please know that I will be there to protect you. Just remember that if hardship or suffering is brought into your life, I'll be there, on your shoulder, protecting you. Now go. Remember, Eric. I'll be there. Don't forget...."

Those were the last words he heard, his mind was a blur. He blacked out for a moment. The only thing on his mind was to memorize his last sight of his Kevin....

--------------

"Eric, Eric, please stay with me damn it, please!" That isn't the voice of my first love. Who is that? It was Mark. It was Mark's hand he felt holding his. The wind was hitting him full force, a couple of grunts and groans were heard.

"Wh... where am I?" He could barely get the words out.

He saw Mark's eyes glow with happiness. "Eric, thank God you're alive. Uh, I mean, that you're okay." He was flabbergasted, his eyes misty, and his hands grasped Eric's like a vise grip.

"Laura's going to be so happy. My God, I thought we'd lost you!"

Eric's mind was a complete blank. Slowly, he began to remember... a windstorm, children, a falling tree, Kevin, Ryan. Now he was really confused! Mark's shouting and firm grip forced him to accept that he was alive.

Things finally snapped into focus. He was nearly crushed by a big tree trunk. Wow! He was suddenly euphoric that he survived.