Grief

In the chaos of what used to be the pristine den, Kobo, their Golden Retriever unwittingly came into range of Charlie, their Siamese cat perched on the arm of their sofa. With a lightning strike of his paw, Charlie raked the sensitive nose of Kobo and jumped down to the floor through the discarded wrapping paper and boxes. Kobo barked and chased after the wily cat and the twins were trailing behind adding noise to the cacophony of sounds emanating throughout the house.

With ease, Charlie jumped upon the kitchen counter and achieved sanctuary from the furious Kobo who continued her barking as the unperturbed cat began bathing himself in appreciation of the Christmas gift of the injured dog.

"Okay kids, its time to leave. Go get dressed." Marilyn announced.

Ray drove his family in the cold grey morning to a familiar rendezvous. During the drive, he and Marilyn began to get lost in their train of thoughts. The melancholy aspect of the journey was lost upon the twins as they engaged into their old aged debate.

"You have to mind me because I'm older than you." Karla declared to her twin brother who had the misfortune of being born thirty minutes too late. Using the only logic available to the seven year-old boy, Paul declared, "Nuh huhn!" The debate drifted along those lines until the twins turned to the final arbitrator and asked their mom to decide who was right.

Using the wisdom of Solomon, Marilyn ruled they were both right and the main thing was they had to love each other. With that settled, the children drifted into another conversation.

Again Ray thought as he drove, nine years, so much had transpired. Marilyn had started her boutique graphic art business and from the start she was able to cherrypick the assignments that interested and motivated her. Ray had continued to dominate the law firm and soon forced the partnership to accept promotions and salaries based on merit. It made for a happier office.

Well, except for Karen. After Ray informed her, he was staying with Marilyn, Karen tendered her resignation. Ray tried to get her to agree to a transfer, but Karen was adamant. Two years after she left, a wedding announcement came to the office. Karen had found her a doctor to marry. Ray went online to their registry and purchased the most expensive item listed and wrote a warm note to go with it. Ray didn't attend the service.

Things went a little tougher with John.

One night, out of the blue, Marilyn received a text from John declaring his love and wanting Marilyn to meet him that evening at the Hilton where John had rented a room. Ray met the inebriated John at the bar and had a quiet conversation why Marilyn was not going to show up. As Ray left, the heartbroken man began crying at the bar as he finally realized Marilyn would never be his. Marilyn changed her cell number to assure herself there would be no repeats of that situation. Word eventually arrived back to Marilyn that John transferred to the London office of the firm.

Karla and Paul were a happy accident. At first when they discovered the pregnancy, fear flashed into both of them. But they sat down and talked like the best friends they were for so many years and they both realized they wanted another chance. So then came the sonogram and the discovery of twins and they took it as an omen from Rachel.

The delivery went smooth and the parenting came back to them as they adjusted their lives and tended to their children...and kept their fingers crossed.

Each Christmas became a ritual and now the twins were aware of the proceedings. They would surprise Marilyn and Ray with questions about Rachel. The answers would often bring up smiles and tears at the same time for the parents.

With the passage of time, it got easier to think of Rachel even though there would always be that hurt, that loss, that what might have been. Now they once again would focus it to the core as they arrived in the cemetery.

They wandered past the markers until they arrived at Rachel's grave. Marilyn sunk to her knees and silently wept. Ray joined her and bowed his head. Karla and Paul obediently followed suit. They remained quiet in the chill of the morning as their parents prayed to their lost child.

Then Marilyn collected herself. "Okay Karla, Paul, hold on to your balloon until we all release them at the same time," she reminded them.

Each hot air balloon had a small note attached. There was a balloon from each family member.

Karla's note wished that her big sister was there so they could teach her brother how to act. Paul's note wished that his big sister was there to keep Karla from bossing him around.

Marilyn and Ray's notes were more complex. Before attaching the notes to the envelopes, Marilyn and Ray would share their thoughts. There would be no more secrets to come between them.

Ray had written: "Dear Rachel, another year has passed and we are here on your 18th birthday. Today, all I can think about is you and how brave you were while you were with us. I miss you so much and I think of you every day. I wish I could have done more for you. I wish I could have seen you grow up to be the beautiful woman you were meant to be. But, God had other plans for you, Angel. I think back at your birthday wish for having a White Christmas and I wonder why I didn't pack us up to Canada for one year or just rent a snow machine so your wish could come true. But, I tried to do my best and be the best daddy to you. One day, we will be reunited and I'll get to see you in heaven. I love you, Daddy"

Marilyn's note went: "My sweet baby, how I miss you! I think about you every day and your daddy does as well. I try to visualize you as an adult. I regret that you missed out on so many things. Things I should have been allowed to share with you like every mother has with her daughter. Daddy calls you his Angel, but the truth is that you were an angel to us both. You saved us both from making a terrible mistake. So I think of you as my sweet angel. I know you remember hearing Daddy play that Willie Nelson song about an angel that flew too close to the ground. That is how I think of you. My guardian angel that helped me in my darkest moment and then God took her back to Heaven. I love you baby, Mommy"

The foursome stood up at the grave and at the signal released the hot air balloons that rapidly drifted upward. The family watched until the balloons vanished quickly out of sight in the dark foreboding clouds. With that the spell was broken and the kids turned to run back to the car.

Ray continued to look upward a moment longer. He knew that the balloons would soon lose pressure and drift back down to earth, but did it really hurt to think that the balloons made their way to Heaven to be read by Rachel.

He felt his soulmate slip her hand into his and looked into Marilyn's face and knew she was thinking the same thing as they began to walk back to the car and it happened.

Snowflakes began to fall.

Large flurries of snowflakes drifting down that would soon cover the ground. Cover the ground, and the foliage, and the countryside with its purity. Turning the world into a monochromatic world of whiteness. Finally, Rachel's wish had come true, a White Christmas. The children shouted and danced around the car trying to catch flakes on their tongues.

Marilyn and Ray looked at one another as drifting flakes kissed their faces and they both knew as tears came to them that once again their Angel was flying close to the ground.