Not Scuba Diving

Monday evening, after dinner, at our house:

"Honey, we need to talk."

Are there worse words for a husband to hear? Can't be many. My first thought: what have I screwed up recently? I mean, seriously screwed up. All husbands screw up all the time, but it usually takes a fairly serious screw up for the dreaded words to come out. Anyway:

"Ok, dear, now?"

"Yes, let's sit down." We sat on the love seat in our den, a usually cozy little room that we, usually, enjoyed together.

"I've been thinking..."

"Let me interrupt you. Before you start, would you like some wine?"

"Oh, thanks, that would be great." My wife does like her wine, so I brought her a full glass along with the large bottle that she had opened earlier at dinner. From looking at the bottle, the glassful was not her first of the evening.

"So?"

"Ok, I've been thinking, with the boys gone now and, you know, us not getting any younger, I'm thinking I would like to add some, uh, you know, some adventure to my life."

"Honey, that's great. Actually, I've been thinking the same thing. We're empty nesters now and we can have lots of new adventures together. I've been thinking maybe scuba diving lessons or a cruise to Antarctica or..."

"Wait—no. I've been thinking about new adventures for ME, not scuba diving or Antarctica. You and the boys have had adventures--your mountain climbing and skiing trips and stuff. Now I think it's time for me to have some adventures." She was referring to several adventurous trips our twin boys and I had enjoyed together. Rob and Ron are now 20, both juniors in college. Their first two years in college they attended our local community college and lived at home. Now they have departed home and will finish college at our state university, about a three hour drive from here. While they were in high school and community college, they and I loved to go skiing and climbing. Julie, my wife, was never interested in that kind of adventure so she never joined us. Not that she didn't stay in good shape. All of us worked out fairly seriously, the three of us guys for skiing and climbing and Julie for general fitness. After 22 years of marriage, she was still as gorgeous, at least to me, as she was when we met in college.

I sat there looking at her. "What kind of adventure do you have in mind, Julie, that will be just for you?"

"Well, please don't take this the wrong way, but I've been thinking about dating. I haven't been on a date in more than 20 years. I know you and I go out on date nights, and I really enjoy them, but they're not the same as going out on a real date. You know, a new person, new places to go, new experiences. You know, adventures."

I sat there stunned. Julie poured herself another glass of wine and gulped down about half of it while I stared at her.

"Uh, do these dates include sex with this new person?"

"Tim, this is not about sex. This is about new experiences, to rejuvenate myself and make me a more interesting person to live with you and love you for the rest of our lives together." That sounded pretty well rehearsed to me. So:

"Uh, so you aren't denying that sex with another man is on the table?"

"Well," stalling while she finishes her wine glass and refills it, "Well, I guess it's possible, but that's not the point. The point is..."

"Julie, the point is that you are telling me you are going to start going on dates with other men and possibly having sex with them, right?"

"Ok, Tim, yes. I guess that's what I'm saying. But the point is I want some adventures in my life."

"Without me?"

"Yes, without you, but only for a little while, and I promise it won't hurt us at all. It will really make us stronger because I will be a more interesting person to you. I'll..."

"Julie, please, no bullshit. Your fucking another man or my fucking another woman does not make us stronger."

"Wait, wait," another half glass of wine went down, "we're talking about me here. This is not about you going out to screw some hussy."

"Wait, wait yourself. How can you say you're going out on dates and not expect me to do the same thing? You know, goose and gander."

"Tim." Then silence while she pours another glass and drinks some more wine. This conversation was obviously not going the way she expected. I decided to add a little more fuel to this fire she was building:

"If we're both going to date, we'll need some ground rules. Like, no dates here at the house. If you're going to fuck some guy, it has to be at a hotel or his house. Neither of us entertains a date here, agreed?"

"Tim, uh, uh..." The wine was beginning to have its effect.

"C'mon, Julie, you have to agree to that, to show some respect for our home."

"Ok, I agree, no dates here. But this whole conversation has gotten off track. I just want a little adventure for me, and you have made this about you too."

"Julie, this has to be about both of us. If you are going to fuck around outside our marriage, then I will too, and frankly, I wonder if we have a marriage left after we start down this path. But listen, it's late and you have had a bit to drink. Let's go to bed and talk some more tomorrow."

"Uh, Tim, uh, well, a guy at work asked me out for tomorrow evening and uh, I, uh, told him I would talk to you tonight and let him know in the morning."

"Wow. So what's his name?"

"Uh, Bob."

"Bob who?"

"That's not important. The..."

"It is important. He will come pick you up here, right? And I need to meet him and make sure he's not an ax murderer or somebody who might kidnap you or rape you. You, right now anyway, are still my wife and I have a duty to make sure you are protected and kept safe from predators. If you are going out with some guy, I need to meet him first and hear him tell both of us where you are going and when you'll be home. That way, if he tries something else, you'll know he's trying to trick you." I'm not sure how convincing my line would have been if Julie had not been pretty drunk by then, but she agreed.

"Ok, I'll have him pick me up at 7 and come into the house to introduce him and let him tell both of us where he and I will be going. Is that the deal?"

"Yep, that's the deal for your date tomorrow." We did go to bed that night in the same bed, but no loving or snuggling or even kissing. She was asleep pretty quickly and the next morning I was up and gone before she was up.

That Tuesday evening we were both home before 6. No dinner for me. Julie showered, dressed in the not-surprising little black dress with fuck-me-now high heels, and was ready to go out at 6:45. A couple of drinks later, the doorbell rang at 7 and she let Bob into our home.

She introduced us and I asked for his driver's license. He hemmed and hawed and I explained Julie's and my deal: Proof of id and description of planned itinerary so my loving wife would be safe. She nodded yes at him and he reluctantly showed me his driver's license. I pulled it from his hand, turned away and quickly took a cell phone photo of it before he could stop me.

"Hey..." he started to complain.

"You've nothing to hide, do you?"

"Uh, uh..."

"It's ok, Bob, let's go now." Before they left, I confirmed: Delaney's Restaurant, which I knew had dinner and dancing, and then he would have her home by midnight. She would call me to confirm when they arrived at Delaney's. As soon as they left, I was on the computer to find out about "Bob."

Robert Fuller, employed at Davis Insurance Agency, same as my wife. Been there three months, no Facebook page. But, an Angela Fuller with the same address as Bob, has her own Facebook page. She id's as married, two kids (7 and 5), occupation: homemaker. Home phone is listed so I call:

"Hello."

"Hi, is Bob there?"

"No, sorry, he's working late tonight. Do you need his work number?"

"No, that's ok, thanks." I'm out the door a minute later and 15 minutes later pull into the Fullers' driveway. Mrs. Fuller answers the doorbell.

"Hi, Mrs. Fuller. My name is Tim Wethern and I just met your husband at my house earlier this evening."

"Oh, what?"

"He was there to pick up my wife for a date. He was taking her to Delaney's for dinner and dancing. As to sex, according to my wife, it is possible."

"What, what? Are you crazy?"

"I wish I were. I wish I was making up this whole story. To show some bona fides, here is a picture of Bob's driver's license. I took the picture in my living room about 45 minutes ago." This conversation took place on her front porch. After digesting this info, she asked me in and I gave her as much more background and detail as I knew.

"I'm afraid I'm not surprised..." she started.

"I have a proposal. If you can quickly get a babysitter, you get dressed up a little and let's go to Delaney's. We'll have our own date and hopefully embarrass them to stop this." She liked the idea and called her next door neighbor. They apparently shared babysitter duties, including emergency babysitting, and this certainly qualified.

Twenty minutes, Angela and I were driving to Delaney's. When we arrived, the maitre d' couldn't seat us, but a fifty dollar bill changed that. He actually sat us at a four top in the middle of their maid dining room. Not surprisingly, we could see Bob and Julie sitting at a two top along a wall. They were engrossed in each other, holding hands and looking like fucking love birds. I wanted to walk over and pour ice water on both of them to cool them off. Angela cooled me off instead.

"Settle down, big boy. We want to torture them and embarrass them, but we don't want to get thrown out of here. Remember, this is a date, so let's hold hands and make goo-goo eyes at each other."

"Goo-goo eyes? What century is that from?" We both laughed and did hold hands across the table. We were chatting, I think about skiing, when I swear I felt Julie's eyes on me. I deliberately did not look over at their table, but Angela was watching them out of the corner of her eye.

"No hand holding now, they are both sitting up straight and looking at us and around the restaurant. The look like they think they might be on a reality TV show." I laughed some more, a little strained perhaps and then Angela said Julie was on her way to our table. I turned to watch her approach.

"Hi, Julie. How's your date?"

"You asshole. You're trying to ruin this for me."

"No, no, Julie, allow me to introduce you to Angela Fuller, Bob's wife. Bob is working late tonight, at least that is what he told Angela."

"Bob's married?" A very quiet, strained voice.

"Yes, dearie, we have been married for almost 10 years and have a 7 and 5 year old at home. Since Bob said he is working late tonight, he must be working for you. How much are you paying him? And what does that make you?" I burst out laughing, but neither lady was laughing. Both were looking at Bob, who was paying the waiter and maybe thought he could sneak out.

"I'll take Bob home with me now, Julie. Not sorry to ruin your date and not happy to meet you." Angela strolled over to Bob, literally grabbed him by the ear, and dragged him out of the restaurant. Julie sat down in Angela's place.

"You asshole. I just wanted a little adventure."

"You got it, honey!! How adventurous is this? You've helped ruin their marriage, and maybe ruined ours. Isn't that adventurous?"

"Fuck you. Take me home now, or I swear I'll..." She couldn't figure out what she would swear she would do, and I did relent.

"Ok, ok, let me pay this tab and we'll go home and try to figure out the next step in this adventurous marriage of ours."

*****

So: my first attempt at a story since I was in college a long time ago. Tim and Julie have more adventures ahead if there is enough interest.