Ping!

Ping!

foul ball

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I watched and waited in the woods for that perfect moment. It came when they did doggie, and his ass was bouncing back and forth like a reciprocating saw. I was a carpenters' daughter, and that was the way my mind worked. Trying to time it on the outstroke, I swung like I was going after a low fastball, and even on flesh, over the tremendously loud smack, you could hear the aluminum ping.

It drove into him so hard he slammed into his little honey, knocking them both to the blanket. She figured out pretty quick something was wrong, and while they were trying to extricate themselves from each other, I grabbed their clothes and tossed them over the bluff, listening to them splash into the lake below. I had to admit, if I was going to screw in nature, this would be a really pretty spot.

Turning around I grinned. "Hi, honey. Gee, this doesn't look like golf, or the sports bar. I don't even see a television. Too bad, I would have loved to have seen your face when you saw the score, and realized the five hundred you bet was going up in smoke. They were behind by thirteen points, according to the radio when I shut the car off. No, don't try to get up. Lie there and breathe, and in about ten minutes you should be able to get up with a minimum of pain. Right now, it's too severe, the fact of the matter is your muscles won't respond until they process the pain. Trust me, remember I'm a nurse."

His girlfriend was backed up against a tree. I grinned at her and she flushed, her eyes glittering with anger. "I'm gonna tear y.... "

I swung the bat, making it swish. "Honey, if I were you, I'd sit down and shut up. If you were to come at me I might think you mean me harm and defend myself. Don't worry, I won't kill you, but if you come after me, that little button nose that looks so cute will look like a stomped grape, and your smile will never be bright again, unless your dentist is a genius with implants. We clear here?"

Her hands instinctively went to her face, and she slowly slid back down to the blanket. I yanked hubby's head up by his hair. "Well, if you had to fuck around, at least you picked a pretty one. I bet her husband thinks so to, wanna call him and ask?"

He tried his best to shake his head no, and I slammed it back to the ground again. "I won't tell him. I won't have to, her name will come up in the court records pertaining to the divorce, and that's public record. You know how people like to read those things and I'm betting it won't take long until somebody asks him about it."

Her eyes grew progressively wider, and she suddenly leaned over, puking her guts out. It was just a bonus that she leaned towards him, and he got splattered. He always did have a weak stomach, and soon he was spilling right beside her.

"Whew! What did you two have for lunch? That stinks!" I took a couple of steps back, I definitely didn't want it splattering on my white trainers. They were brand new and expensive, and I didn't want them soiled.

I grinned. "well, as pleasant as it is to talk, I have to go. My divorce attorney is meeting me at noon, to get the pictures of you two together. This is the fifth time that I know of that you've been here. Believe it or not, I caught you using trail cams! You can buy two high resolution cameras off Amazon for a couple of hundred bucks. You never even saw them, and the images go straight to my phone. Funny enough, you're not the only ones who use this little love nest. I don't know their names, but it's plain they're cheating just like you. I think I'll blow up some photos and post them in the park bathrooms. They've been here often enough someone will recognize them."

I turned to my soon to be ex. "Just before I came over, I packed you a few bags and delivered them to the suite your company uses for visiting clients. I know you have a key, because you used it when it rained. I bet you enjoyed that novelty, actually fucking on a bed for a change. Don't you dare try to come back to the house, you hear me?"

I turned to her. "Okay sweetie, time to get off the blanket."

She knew that was the only thing she could cover herself when I left, and she pulled it tighter. I lifted the bat. "Well then, bat it is. Rub your nose one more time and try to burn into your brain what it felt like, because it never will again."

She shrieked and jumped off the blanket. I held it gingerly by one corner, not wanting the smell, and tossed it out into the lake, admiring the way it fluttered as it sailed down to he water. I turned to them. "Well, I think we're done here. Remember where your clothes are, Bob. I can have you served there if you like. Otherwise I'll do it at work. It's a straight 50/50 split, so don't get cute and fight it. If you do I'll burn you to the ground. Wonder what grandma would say if she saw you licking her ass?"

I gave his honey some free advice. "The best thing you can do is go home and confess. I was just gonna ignore you until I found out you were planning a kid. Who's was it going to be? Don't answer, but if it was me I'd want to know."

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I grinned through the pain as I trotted back down the trail. I was kind enough to leave their shoes, but nothing else. Those rocks were sharp! Three minutes later I was at the ball fields. The county was having a regional tournament, all four ballfields were full, 24 teams competing. There was a big crowd, and it had been perfect cover. I bought a team hat that completely covered my hair, put the bat over my shoulders, and walked around like I owned the place, and nobody noticed me. Well, a few guys did, because I had on my red biker shorts, that clung to my body and stopped just short of a camel toe. Besides, there were lots of women there dressed more provocatively than me, so I got lost in the crowd.

If any guy was ever asked if he saw a hot woman in tight red shorts, his probable answer would have been "Which one?" so I changed the shirt to a bright pink one that showed a little tummy, wrapping a red plaid skirt over my shorts, fluffed out my short bob, and now looked nothing like the bat toting jock at the park. I dressed this way to make people remember me when I stopped to get groceries.

I dropped the bat beside a team SUV, even if it wasn't theirs, I'm sure they wouldn't let a good bat go to waste, and it would be in their bag by the end of the day. I had found it on the ground, and impulsively picked it up, thinking it might come in handy if he got agressive. I had no intention of harming them, I just wanted to bust them and get it over with. The ball cap was thrown in the trash as soon as I got away from the fields, and two blocks later I got in my minivan, glad Mom had left it for me when she moved South. "It might come in handy," she said, with a grin on her face. I only drove it once a week, to do my weekend running, just to keep it in shape. The blacked out rear windows made it a perfect place to change.

Just before I started the engine I got the burner phone out, and put the scrambler on I'd bought from Amazon. It let you use three women and four men voices. Some had accents. It was bought with the intention of telling her husband in a way that wouldn't get back to me, so I could ambush her with the divorce. This should work as well. I went for one that sounded like an older man with a thick Southern accent. "Hello, is this 911?" Smart question, right? I was trying to set the tone.

"It is sir. State your emergency."

"Wal, they's a woman and a man arunnin' around in the woods out at Reynolds Park, butt nekked. They's young'uns around, can you get someone out to tell 'em to put their clothes back on? It's a tall guy with black hair and an itty bitty redhead with big ti..er, breasts."

"Sir, we have officers in the park for crowd control. We'll send someone immediately. Could you tell me your..."

I hung up, pulled the battery out, and dropped it in a trash can. I drove four blocks over and parked at the local doughnut shop, dumping the phone in the dumpster between the shop and the grocery store.

I made sure I chatted up Bev, the counter girl, and treated myself to a molasses doughnut with maple icing. It should have been a horrible combination, but it was probably the best sweet I'd ever eaten. I took my time, enjoying the Cajun style coffee they served, laced with chicory root. It gave it a bit of a bite, and went well with the doughnut. I made sure I called out a goodbye as I walked out of the shop and into the grocery store, dropping the scrambler into the trash can at the entrance, shoved down into the coffee cup.

Then I shopped, gossiped with the wives of the neighborhood, then Beryl (I'd never heard that name before, it seemed like it had to do with semiprecious rocks or something) and I gently teased Jimmy, her nephew, about his crush on the new cashier. She was cute as a button, but while he was a blond who would look comfortable on a beach in California with his long, surfer looking locks, she was black. She was also cute as a button, with green eyes and a killer smile. It seemed she was also interested in him, given the sly looks and sweet smile every time she looked at him.

"Honey, just ask. The worst she can do is say no. Don't worry about her color, her social status, or her parents, ask her out. I have a feeling it might end well for you." Beryl grinned and echoed my advice.

When we checked out, they were gone, but then we saw them outside, at the picnic table the store provided for smokers. They were sixteen and I knew for a fact his Mom would kill him if she caught him with a cigarette, but they weren't smoking. They were talking softly and she had her hand in his, playing with his fingers, her long curls feathering across her face.

I couldn't help it and snapped a picture. I smiled as I walked away, but it gave way to desolate sadness. I remembered when my husband used to look at me like that.

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I wasn't even moderately surprised to see two cops on my porch as I pulled in. I went in the garage, to unload my groceries. They stood there not exactly knowing what to do, until finally one of them spoke. "Ma'am, are you Brittany Porter?"

"I am." I think they expected more from me and were surprised when I said no more.

"Can we ask you some questions?"

"Sure, but I have to get these groceries into the house. I have ice cream."

They started to follow but I held up my hand. "I haven't invited you in."

That pissed the older one off. "You need to talk to us."

"Am I being detained? Arrested?"

"No, not at this time."

"Well then, you'll please excuse me while I attend to these groceries. I'll be back out shortly."

I was pretty sure it was not the behavior they expected. I took my time, and to mollify them a bit, I fixed three glasses of ice water, putting them on the table by the porch swing, and inviting them to sit. The female took the water and thanked me. The older, male cop just glowered. It suddenly hit me who he was, a relative of my husband, but I couldn't remember exactly how. I read his nametag as he stated talking.

"Are you Brittany Porter?"

"Don't you remember me from the family reunion two months ago? Yes, that is my name."

"Your husband is John Porter?"

"Not for much longer. He's being served Tuesday. If you want his new address, it's business suite 36 at the Embassy."

The woman kind of grinned. I think she liked my lack of deference. "Does the name Amanda Burns mean anything to you?"

"Yes. It's the slut he's been banging for the last four months, that I'm sure of, maybe longer. You don't have to show me a picture. I have lots of them. Unfortunately, she is naked in most of them. Still, she is an attractive woman, so maybe you'll enjoy them. Now, I've been nice to you, but if you don't tell right now why you're here, you may leave."

"Your husband was assaulted this morning."

"Did you come by here to tell me that to cheer me up? Which husband got hold of him? Is he bruised, contused, maimed, or neutered maybe?"

My cheerful demeanor seemed to startle him, and the woman grinned, behind his back.

"He was only struck once, with a baseball bat."

"Did he get hit in the head? Did it knock some sense into him? Where was he struck? Did it break his ribs, kneecap, ego?"

The woman spoke up, opening a note pad. "Apparently, he was hit across the buttocks, quite hard."

"Oh, so someone spanked him."

The senior cop had had enough. "You need to take this seriously. He says you assaulted him. Do you have an alibi?"

"When did this happen?"

"Just over an hour ago."

"Well then, as far as an alibi, how many people wake up one day and say,"Hey, I bet I need an alibi today. I better document my every movement for the rest of the day? Fuck no, I don't have an alibi. I can tell you where I've been, though. Brace yourself for the excitement, I... went to the grocery store. I also got a doughnut at Sugar Rush, the molasses one with the maple topping. God, I could live on those, at least until my arteries closed. I guesss they got cameras, but I really don't know. I did talk to friends while I shopped, and the woman at the doughnut shop could probably vouch for me as well. You'd have to ask them about the timeline, because I have no idea. Then I came home to you guys on my front porch."

The woman grinned. "They do have killer doughnuts, don't they?"

"The best. Now, you've talked to me, I gave you my movements for the day, so why don't you go check up on me? Have a nice day."

He puffed up. "We're not done with you yet!"

"Yes, you are. If I'm not being detained, or arrested, you got nothing. In fact, if you have any more questions, put them in writing and give them to my lawyer. I just happen to have his card in my purse." I fished out the card and gave it to him.

"You've done nothing wrong but you have a lawyer on retainer. Don't you think that's a little suspicious?"

"The guy is handling my divorce, Dudley Doright, but he does other things as well. Why wouldn't I have his card?"

He was getting his ass handed to him and it pissed him off. "I still have questions!"

"And you've got the card of the man who can answer them. Let me ask you something. I have on a pretty distinctive outfit, wouldn't you agree? It was a statement, I'm going to be back on the market and I wanted to do a little advertising. Did they describe what their assailant wore? I'm pretty sure someone at the park would remember a woman wearing a pink belly shirt with a vivid red short skirt walking through the park. Why don't you go interview someone? Ther must be five or six hundred here, I'm sure someone would remember me. You've taken their statements, you've taken mine, so maybe it's time for you to fuck off."

He was almost beyond speech. "You can't talk to police like that!"

"Sure I can. Barney Fife. It's called the First Amendment. I can speak any way I like including the use of profanity. Look it up."

"We need to search your vehicle and house!"

"Gee, is everything you say like some pronouncement or something? You can search the car, and the house, if you want, as soon as you bring me a warrant. I can wait."

I turned around to the woman. "Talk some sense into him, before he escalates this to the lawsuit level."

She looked nervous. "Bob, maybe we need..."

"We need what I say we need!"

"What you need is to get off my porch. I've been patient with you, but you have no evidence I did what you're accusing me of, and it's a he said/she said senario, and I ain't saying shit. Now, you have no reasonable cause to arrest me, we've talked past the limit of reasonable detainment, so I'm going in now."

"You'll go when I say you can go!"

"Then you better fucking say it, because we're done. Go home, take your free time and fuck up someone else's marriage. That's why your own wife divorced you, if the family stories are true. You're just like my husband, so it must run in the family. Your line obviously comes from a long history of losers. Now it's hot, I've cooperated, but it's time to end this. Ma'am, have a nice day. Fuck off loser, and don't ever come back."

I didn't see the taser because my back was turned. It felt like every nerve in my body short circuited, and I dropped to the porch in convulsions. By the time I was cognizant, I was in cuffs, and the female officer was raging at him. "Jesus Christ, Bob. What was that for?"

"She resisted arrest. You saw it with your own eyes, now help me get her in the car." They half carried, half dragged me to the car, and by the time they arrived at the station, I was internally screaming, but I didn't say a word. When they booked me, I automatically asked for my lawyer, and the desk sargeant, ignoring Bob, let me call. He was there in thirty minutes, screaming at the cops.

Then he got hold of a captian, who reviewed the arrest, and released me on my promise to appear in court.

"You don't have to worry about that. She'll be there with bells on, and we're going to insist the body cam footage be played. According to my client, she was tased from behind with no warning, not given her Miranda rights, and illegally arrested. We intend to fry somebody's ass over this."

The captain went kind of pale and ordered the officers into his office as we left. Before we left he made the police take pictures of my scraped knees and bruised arms.

When we were outside, I grinned. "With bells on?"

He turned a little pink. "I always wanted to say that. Listen, if it went down as you described, this is a civil lawsuit waiting to happen. You're looking at big bucks."

I think I broke his heart when I said I didn't care about the money, I just wanted the guy fired. It got even better when we got home. My house had been ransacked, my clothes in rags, my collectibles smashed. My lawyer immediately called the police, asking for a different set of officers. They came out, took pictures, and asked who I thought did it.

"My soon to be exhusband. I don't understand how he got in, I had the locks changed two hours before my arrest, and there's no sign of forced entry. Let's check the video."

While the locks were being changed, two of his associates were wiring up my house, sending everything to the Cloud. I wasn't really surprised to see Corporal Idiot unlocking my doors before he hauled me off, and forty minutes later seeing my ex tear the place to shreds, then carefully locking up when he left. He got to be the guest of the county when they caught him at the Embassy four hours later.

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It seemed the bodycam footage disappeared, both officers saying they had been turned off at lunch and they neglected to turn them back on. The DA took one look at the report and dropped all charges, and the department was off the hook. I asked for a formal apology and the department refused. I asked the Chief if he really wanted to play it that way, and he threw us out of his office. My lawyer grinned. "Now can we sue them?"

The corporal and the officer were hit with a civil rights lawsuit for one million each the next day. and the Chief, as well as the whole department and city were popped with lawsuits for seven million. They scrambled their lawyers, and they sent us a letter, saying there was no documentation to prove the suit. That's when the video from the Ring, my security cameras, and the audio record from my phone, which I had hidden with the tray and towel when I gave them water, almost caused the city lawyers to have heart attacks. They wanted to exclude the tapes, but there were clear security camera labels, one right by the front door, brand shiny new at the time. As for the phone, we were in a state where one party could tape without consent on public property, or on you own property.