All Comments on 'The Next Door Neighbour'
by seducedstud
- 12 Comments
Please let me know if you liked it. Any tips to improve my future are most welcome. Hope you enjoyed it.
just a collection of sentences!
Go to 'Literotica; Index; Volunteer Editors' and see if you can get anyone to guide you in how to write.
I like the subject of the story but it needs some work. You have a tendency to repeat things and also you are sometimes inconsistent.
First paragraph: The other girls I had previously dated were complete sluts. Linda was completely different
Second paragraph: Sure she was inexperienced like the other girls I had dated but she was good.
Were the sluts inexperienced or not sluts?
Third Paragraph: we finally bought our dream house- a nice big bungalow.
Sixth Paragraph: As she entered my apartment
Bungalow or Apartment?
The rhythm of your story telling is a bit rough and honestly I stopped reading it about halfway through. Try walking away from the story for a couple of days and then going back for a thorough reread. If you make any changes, repeat the steps pf walking away and then thoroughly reread it again. It kind of looks like you went back and changed and added a few things here and there but then didn't reread everything to see how it was effected.
I'm not trying to be harsh or bash you, I am just offering you some input. I hope that you work on your skills and continue to write and post here. I like your subject matter and you seem to have promise. 3 stars for now.
...but the inconsistencies and errors, combined with clipped sentences make it very difficult to read. You've been given some good advice, so please take it and keep writing. If you want to work with an editor, feel free to contact me or another in the program.
. . . has his wife with short and brown hair and then short and blonde hair.
Wife and I thoroughly enjoyed the reversal of the usual motif - big cock so mesmerizes the woman she gives up everything for it. Here it was giant tits so impossible to resist. Had us giggling like mad!
No one else seems to have caught the reversal and how ludicrous the whole idea of people giving up their lives over big sex tools. Great job, 4 stars, since, yes, there were a few miscues.
The story is about seduction and adultery, not rape!
Great story, love the content. Similar to neturo and TheTalkMen.
Needs more evil, confrontation with wife. Pls keep on writing
Seriously, reading this story, I was asking myself: "Is this guy a huge fan of TheTalkMan or what?"
I mean, what we get here is pretty much what you expect from a TTM' story:
- hot guy married to below average, plain woman
- walking wet-dream of a slut - who is proud to be called one! - with humongous tits and the tightest cunt imaginable, decided to take the once faithful husband for herself
- after much inner fighting, the man finally becomes her sex puppet.
All that is really missing is the slut making the man divorces his plain wife, and immediately start having babies with him. 'Guess that's not what SStud is all about.
(Just read his bio, and yeah... fan of TTM. Make sense, really.)
In any case... as stupid as it was... it was still quite hot. The mistakes made throughout the story, though, show a lack of self-criticism that's troubling, even for a first story. I would like for SStud to keep on writing, but I really hope that he takes the time, with his next project, to re-read what he wrote or, if necessary, get an editor before posting. It always makes a story less erotica when you keep noticing continuity errors.
Anyway... keep it up.
Story was good, but stay consistent....wifes hair blonde or brown, apartment or house, dinner or lunch, did you mean for the exwifes lawyer to be female and have a dick? It was distracting...
When the 4th word is an error (used "and" instead of "I have been..." along with the author's short, 1st-grader or robotic sentence structure best suited for the limitations of SMS sexting, it's a given this isn't going to win any Pulitzer Prizes. And..... it didn't. Particularly confounding was when "Stud" typo'd the ex-wife's lawyer into a tranny. Did not see that coming. That could have filled another chapter.
Now, had this sad tale been given a clever twist instead of the formulaic "wham bam - omg what did I just do - oh yeah I just stepped in it and am being blackmailed by a skank" theme, perhaps "Stud" would have come closer to garnering a +4 rating avg. Nah, not a chance. Not even if "Stud" pounds out multiple one-handed chapters with enough typos and grammatical errors to choke a grammar-checker. If only "Stud" had taken time to re-imagine slutty neighbor Kylie as just doing a favor for timid Linda by trying to seduce George to see if he'll be faithful. George, being a vulgar misogynistic cretin in sheep's clothing, could have tricked her, pimped her out both to his poker buddies, the conservative hypocrites at the local republican school board and a gang of junior high dropouts on the poor side of town... Kylie enjoys plenty of sex, he makes more money, but before he and Linda can purchase yet a larger house with a pool and live happily ever after, the aforementioned gang kidnaps George and Linda, addicts them to Fentanyl-laced suckers, then dresses Georgina and Linduh up as hookers and sets them to working truck stops. LOL Did I just score 3 clichés with a triple gainer back flip? Press the LIKE button and then go enjoy a repeat episode of Seinfeld.