This Conversation Took a Left Turn

I'm getting kind of tired of reading LW stories where the wife carries on a long term "In your face" kind of affair, but then when discovered she completely falls apart and is shocked, remorseful, and hysterical at the thought of a divorce. She usually comes to ruin to pay for her sins.

In these stories the husband is generally a saint; some even bake quiche for their wives. But the wife is a very selfish bitch and a scumsucker. (Writers don't get upset I'm not pointing fingers. I generally write the same type of stories myself)

Story:

"Ahhh, there it is right on schedule, so my retribution has begun." I said it out loud even though I was alone. I knew it because I could tell it was her without even looking. Why? Because I had changed the ring tone I had set up for her number. It was "El Deguello." You know the song the Mexican Army kept playing for the boys they had surrounded at the Alamo. It means 'slit throat' and they played it incessantly meaning they would give no quarter to those under siege. I was just so fucking pissed at my cheating whore of a wife for ruining our marriage and breaking up my family that I needed my pound of flesh.

I didn't answer it because I knew she would be so angry that I didn't answer she wouldn't leave a message, she would keep re-dialing until I did. And each subsequent time she had to call she would be getting madder and madder. I figured six times would do the trick.

I was holed up in my cheap ass motel room right off Highway 6 choking down one of those microwave burritos sitting on the end of my bug infested bed. My wife may be a cheating whore but she was a pretty good cook. Damn, why did she have to do it? I wasn't really too worried about the crappy room, because my brother said the kids and I could stay with them for a while until I got all the money for my lawsuits. Then we could get a place big enough for the kids and me and it could probably have a pool too. Plus Mary would have to pay me a boat load of child support and that would help.

When I explained to the kids what their mom had done, I swear I heard our 18 year old Darlene snicker, but I might have been mistaken. I told them they were going to come live with me. They seemed very excited about the prospect because they started high fiving each other, happy that they would get pizza frequently.

It all started about a month ago. What I mean is I found out about the bitch's treachery a month ago. Apparently she had been cheating on me for over a year though, and I was a typical clueless loving husband. It was an accident that I found out about it. No really, there was an accident out on the highway coming home from the feed plant so I had to take a detour on the surface streets.

As I drove past the Blue Dolphin Motel on Second Ave I thought I saw my wife's car in the parking lot. I turned around and drove back into the lot. Sure enough, there was her 5 year old Kia with personalized plates 'MARY'STHE1.' I mean really who is so stupid as to cheat on their spouse driving their car with personalized plates on it? Well I was only waiting for a few minutes when I found out. My wife came out the door of room 176 with a tall good looking young guy I had never seen before. She stood on her tip toes and laid a smoking hot kiss on him and he was freely massaging her breasts right in front of God and everybody. It looked like she had forgotten to put her bra back on too. I drove away with steam coming out my ears.

I know that in most cases the clueless cuck husband is supposed to break down in tears and/or head straight to a bar to get so plastered he can't even see straight. Then he has to go through all the 'what did I do wrong to deserve this' arguments with himself while he is balling his eyes out. Most aren't even sure they want to divorce the cheating wife. But, not me. I was divorcing the bitch, that was a given; but what I was really going to do was get my retribution. I didn't give a shit why she did it, she and lover boy were going down, and going down hard!

So I played like the typical clueless husband and pretended that everything was normal around the house for several days while I plotted and planned. After meeting with my attorney to get the paperwork started I was pretty much ready to go. And it was going to be a beautiful thing to see.

The first part of my revenge plan was to tune up the asshole she was fucking. After I found out his name by giving the clerk at the motel twenty bucks I found out where he lived too. At least he was single so my wife wasn't breaking up two families. I caught him coming out of his luxury townhouse down by the lake on Saturday morning and kicked his cheating ass. I mean he was much bigger and younger than me but after I hit him with the taser and he went down shaking uncontrollably I kicked the shit out of him without too much trouble. That motherfucker was never going to use his junk again I bet.

Mary was out of town at another seminar, since when does a receptionist have to go to a seminar? That's when I found out she had more than one boyfriend. So while she was gone I was able to do all the usual banking stuff. I took all of the $1,195 dollars in our checking and the $89 from the savings and put it into an account in my name only. I was going to cancel the one credit card we had, but it was maxed out anyway. I guess I went over the limit when I bought that R.L. Winston Pure fly rod last month. The credit card folks said I couldn't cancel it until it was paid off.

Next I sent out copies to every one I could think to, of all the video and audio tapes my investigator gave me with all of her indiscretions documented. When I got the evidence that's when I learned she had a third boyfriend. What a slut. I guess I didn't really have an investigator. I couldn't afford that expense, but I used my cousin Randy who worked at Radio Shack. He knew how to use all that surveillance shit and it only cost me a case of PBR. He didn't really have any overhead because he could borrow all the high tech gadgets from his store that he needed to get the job done. Besides it only took him a few days to get the goods on Mary. He was kind of surprised too. He told me that she must be really dumb because she wasn't hiding her fucking around at all.

So like I said, I sent copies of all my evidence to every one of her coworkers, family, and friends in an email with a note explaining what a whore she was. I bet they would give her a ration about it and cut her out of their lives and she would have to live the rest of her life as a recluse to hide her shame. I even sent one to her 93 year old grandmother. I felt a little bad about that one because she was a nice old lady and seeing that shit might give her a heart attack. But I was going scorched earth, so grandma was on the list.

I also sent copies to her bosses at work so she would get fired and I had my lawyer file a lawsuit against her company for violating their morals clause. He told me that he heard that they usually got over $300,000 dollars for these kinds of cases.

I told my legal eagle to file an alienation of affection lawsuit against the three boyfriends I knew about and any others that I found out about later. He seemed dubious, but took my extra $300 dollars because he said that it would cost more for those filings.

Next I made up a bunch of 8"x10" flyers showing her naked and fucking one of her lovers with her name and cell phone number on it and posted it in the men's rooms of every bar in town. You know what it said, "For a good time...."

But best of all, using all the video I got from my cousin, I set up a pay per view porn site for the bitch on the internet. And I had all the money from it going into my new checking account. So far there was only $47 in there, but it had only been a few days too.

Ok that's it then, six hang-ups so I answered her next call five seconds later.

"It's good to hear your voice sweetheart, how's your day going?"

"What the fuck is going on Bobby? Why are you divorcing me?"

"Because you're cheating on me you bitch, THAT'S WHY!"

"I get that Bobby, but I mean it's been going on for months and it never bothered you, so why now? Oh my God you mean you didn't know?"

"Of course I didn't know, what is wrong with you. What in the hell made you think I knew anything at all about it?" Take that you bitch. "Have you even noticed that I haven't been at home in two days?"

"No, not really. You aren't home much anyway. Well, I was sure that when your mom caught me coming out of the motel room a few months ago with Thomas she would have told you. When you didn't jump down my throat that night I figured you just didn't care.

"So yesterday when I became aware of all your 'revenge' shit I couldn't understand why you were so upset so I called your mom. She told me that she never said anything to you about it because if you were anything like your father she understood why I would be cheating, so she just let it go.

"Oh yeah, and she told me to tell you to not even think about moving back in with her. 25 years of your lazy ass shit was all she could take. She did tell me she would be happy to have the kids stay with her now and then if I wanted a weekend off, to do whatever.

"But still Bobby, I wasn't hiding it, you had to know. You mean none of your friends told you? Well, I guess at least now I know why you're so upset. This is actually embarrassing. Seriously, none of your friends ever said a word to you?"

"Which so called friends of mine didn't tell me?"

Well, I mean Bill, Tommy, Chris, Pat and several others saw me at bars and places with other men. It was just another reason I figured you didn't care. Are you sure you want a divorce?"

"OF COURSE I'M DIVORCING YOU, YOU STUPID CUNT!"

"First of all Bobby, please stop with the name calling and let's work this out like adults. I mean we should be able to come to an understanding, but if it's a divorce you want, then so be it. We can work out a joint custody agreement if you like, but right now I'm leaning towards giving you custody. You'll last about 30 days before you're begging me to take the kids back. You know keeping track of three teenagers might just take up to much drinking time with your buddies? Not to mention you might actually have to say 'no' to them now and then. Being a single parent would require you to become an actual adult.

"Do you have any idea what Darlene's graduation date is, or when does John have karate practice, or maybe what medicines any of the kids are allergic too? I'll bet you don't even know the address of the school they go to."

"Well no, but I could learn. Besides I talked to them about it and they want to stay with me!"

She started laughing hysterically but finally calmed down enough to continue. "Of course they do Bobby, you could be their big brother and they would get to eat pizza every night of the week. That settles it, you get custody.

"Oh BTW, work isn't going to fire me, they laughed at your lawsuits and asked what the hell was a morals clause? Seriously Bobby I work for a law firm. Whoever heard of a law firm with morals? Everyone got a good laugh at your alienation of affection lawsuits too. Seriously Bobby, does your lawyer actually have a license to practice law, or did you fuck up and pay The People's Choice Legal Clinic's entire $795 fee up front?

"You should be hearing from the police soon and poor Thomas will be suing you to recover his medical expenses. You really should have at least worn a mask and covered your license plates.

"When I showed her your divorce papers, my attorney started laughing because this is a no fault state. It took her ten minutes to stop laughing, plus she had to show your papers to every other lawyer in the office. They all said it was the best laugh they've had in years.

"Most friends and family members have called to give me support and to ask why I didn't dump you years ago.

"Of course if it makes you feel any better, your brother did call me a selfish bitch for cheating on you. Oh, but then he asked me out on a date when our divorce is final. I mentioned that to his wife when she called to congratulate me. She asked if she could use my lawyer.

"Oh and by the way, besides hearing from the police on the revenge porn thing, the feds will be in contact with you too. Something about RICO statutes?

"And Bobby, does the name 'Pass around Patti Johnson' mean anything to you?"

"Well, I mean no? Not really." Oh shit!

More hysterical laughter interposed with sarcasm, "That's a really good thing Bobby because my friend Lisa saw Patti going into the free clinic yesterday. I'm just saying."

Oh crap!

"Further more, you've gained forty pounds in the last ten years and it's all in your belly. Your dick wasn't that big to begin with and now I can hardly see it, never mind feel it. You have no idea what foreplay is and you last about ninety seconds. Jesus I ran through about twenty vibrators until I finally got tired of the expense in replacing them, so I found four boyfriends."

"Four? Shit I only knew about three!"

"Don't feel bad about that Bobby; I was a bit more discreet with your cousin Ralph."

"Ralph, Ralph!"

"Be quiet Bobby I'm on a roll here. In addition to doing everything else around the house, you know I pay all the bills. "Did you really think I wouldn't notice $220 a month in porn charges? I let it go because once again, I thought you knew about my extra-curricular activities.

"You don't do shit around the house either. We have the smallest and ugliest lawn in the neighborhood and I still can't get you to mow the damn thing more than once a quarter. You remember the time we thought we lost little Amanda? But she was just sitting in the middle of the lawn and the grass was taller than her."

"I think you might be exaggerating a little Mary. I could clearly see her head from the top step of the front porch."

"And finally, you really had to send a copy to my grandmother? I went to see her and apologize. She was cackling away when she told me it looks like I took after her!"

I hardly knew what to say; obviously this conversation wasn't going the way I expected. I mean she should be weeping hysterically, begging me for forgiveness, saying we can do counseling, and telling me she would fight the divorce because she loved me so much.

"Look Bobby. I was going to divorce you when little Amanda turned 18 anyway, but if you want a divorce now, we can do that."

"You were going to divorce ME? Why would you want to do that?"

"Because I'm tired of having four children at home, that's why."

"But we only have three kids."

"You're the fourth child Bobby."

"You should have talked to me about all this Mary."

"I tried to Bobby but I gave up years ago. Do you remember all the times I tried to talk with you at home, but you told me not right now because the Astros were only down by six in the seventh inning and they needed your help?"

"No, I really don't remember that?"

"That's probably true on your part, because about the only thing you remember is to keep the fridge filled with PBR and to go fishing with your friends. And then of course there's Patti."

"There is an alternative to divorce though. We could just keep things the way they are. I would even give you your 90 seconds three times a month like we do now if you want, but I'm still going to have my men friends. I mean after you get out of prison of course.

"I will promise to be more discreet in the future though. I am sorry about that part but like I said, I thought you knew.

"Anyway, what's it going to be Bobby?"

The inspiration for this story came from my personal situation. For about the past four months I have been pretty much useless around the house because of a serious back issue that finally resulted in another surgery. My wife has had to do virtually everything for me including her regular job of being the main bread winner because I have been retired for about 8 years. Actually I didn't retire, my back retired for me. Normally I am a saint, no really I am, I swear. I mean I never baked her quiche or anything, but I did do the laundry. Lately though I have been as helpless as a baby. The other night I saw her sharpening all the knives in the drawer, now I'm sleeping with one eye open.

This one's for you dear.