- Non-Erotic Poetry
- echoes
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Click herelanguid blues on a cloudy day,
honey sweet, a mellow voice
from caverns deep,
echoes
of a long lost song
floating upward
through patterns etched in grey,
she sings smoke rings,
meandering
old, familiar
traces in my mind
I had fought
her rhythms left behind,
let her fragrance turn to vapor
high aloft the winds of time,
but there's no harm
enjoying echoes;
for this lazy hour
her melody
returns
again it takes my heart away.
- COMMENTS
I agree with Cleardaynow, there is a nice flow to this. Interesting sounds, too — "she sings smoke rings" was cool.
I found caverns deep a bit distracting: on my first read, I thought you were talking about a very deep voice coming from a large chest. :)
On stanza 3, line 1: on the first read, I thought the word there was "thought". I only noticed it was "fought" on the second read. "I fought to let her go, but there is no harm in remembering".
Another evocative, moving and well crafted poem. You have a real gift for flow.
A tiny niggle: ‘caverns deep’, while not a cliché, falls under the heading of ‘stock phrases’. I wonder if you could have come up with an alternative as fresh as all the rest. It did not spoil my pleasure in reading the poem.
Will comment more later but you have a great sense of Sonics and how to play assonance tightly constructed.