wreckage

They say you can never look back...
but how is it possible not to retrace
the wrecks of forty years?
They say in every darkest moment
a light of tomorrow shines clear
all that beams in my mind is
wreckage...from the life I've led
Ghosts...of the past yet still living
surround me now...I see my wife
chatting, sitting on our bed,
I glimpse my daughter sleeping
in her room, quiet and dark...
I hear a television on, in the back ground
smell the smoke of a cigarette rising
from a bathroom.
Yet...the woman of my dreams
is no longer in our bed,
child's room quiet and dark
empty of all but her things
a bathroom dank dark empty
television screen blank
arriving home,
tonight, a days shift done,
I put my key to a lock
behind which nobody was home.
setting my thermos on the kitchen counter
knowing deep inside something
my mind refused to register...
switching on a bedroom lamp
upon my pillow laid her note
"I hate to be a coward"
"I still love you"
"irreconcilable differences"
my eyes...seeing
not believing
piece by piece
the puzzle fell into place
just a month ago...I tried to tell you
something bad...was in the wind
maybe that was my mistake
trying to tell you...
all day...I felt it
I called you on first break
you sounded far away
I called back at the end of break
you said all was okay
I called before lunch..you assured me
everything was all right...
but yet I know...
or should I say felt
the moment you closed the apartment door
behind you and our daughter.
in this quiet dark apartment...
I sit...
contemplating all that proved this moment
yet just pieces of a puzzle
till now...
righteous rage,
holy anger...I have none
only twenty-twenty vision
of what I didn't see...before work today
amazing.
Now I live...for just one line in the note...
you'll call me tomorrow
willing to give away my soul
for just one more chance
I've begged you to talk...to open up
share your feelings and thoughts
trusting that you would tell me
were there something this much
bothering you
do I blame you...for not speaking
no
I can't, I won't
I never hear but what I want to hear
my eyes the only ones to realize
what you didn't say
this I understand...too late
seeing all the signs
yet hearing them not
deaf and blind...I am
will the sun rise tomorrow
will beauty ever again touch my life
not without you