A Conversation of Consequence

"You God damned coward! You fucking piece of shit. Listen to my words, Tommy." screamed a hysterical Beverly. "WE...ARE...NOT...getting divorced. I will never grant it. I will fight it with every penny we have. We will both end up broke and, on the street, before I give you one. You are a fucking coward!" Her screeching, in between her wailing, and sobbing, went on like that for several minutes.

Tommy kept driving. He patiently waited for Beverly to wind herself down. He knew she was getting close when she started with her hiccups that would often happen when she was under extreme emotional stress. Finally, there was silence for a couple of moments. She made a last despondent utterance. Her voice was almost a whispered plea, filled with sorrow. "Tommy, you love me. I know you do."

He knew that he would love her to some extent forever, but he sighed before responding. "Bev, our marriage ended the moment you told me you wanted to have sex with other men." Without waiting for a response, he disconnected the call.

The subsequent meeting, or more accurately put, the attempted intervention a few weeks later by his children, didn't nearly convince him to stay married to their mother. However, they at least got him to agree to see a marriage counselor. He capitulated, if for no other reason than to keep them from stalking and harassing him. He bargained with them. He would go, but they were never again to make any attempts at butting into their parents' relationship. If they did, their bond with him would be permanently damaged.

Thomas and Beverly agreed to meet with Dr. Tennille Adams, a Doctor of Psychology and licensed family therapist who was on the family court's approved list. Dr. Adams was dressed professionally and was a bit formal in appearance and manner. At their first session, she set the schedule and ground rules efficiently.

Dr. Adams noted that during their first few sessions together, Beverly showed her emotions and expressed genuine regret as to the current state of their marriage. She also assumed responsibility for her role in its deterioration. She did plead her case that Tommy was being stubborn and unreasonable. It was only a single conversation. She stated unequivocally that she had never cheated and had never even done anything that wouldn't pass the 'husband test.'

On the other hand, she found Thomas much harder to understand. He appeared to be paying attention but seemed listless and distant. When Beverly spoke, he concentrated on what was being said. It was almost as if he was searching for something in particular. But, Tom never asked questions during the sessions. It seemed peculiar to Dr. Adams.

Early on during their fourth session, and after Beverly once again apologized profusely and stated her sincere desire to fix what she had done so they could move on, Thomas unexpectedly interrupted.

"You're wrong, Bev, you can't fix it. You can't fix it because it's not all your fault." That caught both Bev and Dr. Adams by surprise. "It's as much my fault...Oh, I admit that when you first brought it up, I was furious. Angrier than I ever remembered being. I guess I was in shock. It took me several days to get over what you had done to me. I guess, doctor, you would refer to it as my fragile male ego striking out without rational thought. That's why I was so distant during that period. Once my initial rage subsided, I needed to think things through." Both Bev and Dr. Adams looked confused.

"Don't be mistaken, I was hurt by your request, but not for the reason you are probably thinking. I was outraged because you had the courage to do what I had not. I wasn't annoyed with you. I was infuriated with myself."

"Tommy, whatever are you talking..."

Dr. Adams jumped in at that point. "Yes, Thomas, you have to clarify that. Why were you so upset at yourself?" She had an onerous feeling that she already knew the answer, but it needed to be said, in any case. Dr. Adams didn't like to call herself a marriage or family counselor. She was a relationship advisor. She couldn't advise if she didn't know the root problem. She was almost certain she was about to learn that answer.

Tommy looked over at his soon-to-be ex with a sense of very real compassion. He hoped that when this nightmare was over, they could maintain a friendly relationship. He was conflicted. If he told the truth, that might not be possible any longer. "Because, Bev, I felt the same way."

He closed his eyes for a moment to gather his thoughts. When he reopened them, he looked straight into Bev's eyes. "I just didn't have the nerve to say the words, like you did. I knew something had been missing from our lives for some time. Maybe it was the kids leaving. Or, maybe it was just that we spent so much time focusing on careers and raising our family, that we lost each other. It's difficult for me to articulate. I think maybe I just felt numb most of the time. But I didn't know why?"

Bev audibly caught her breath in recognition. She involuntarily nodded her head in assent.

"Oh, I wasn't necessarily looking to have sex with other women. But then it hit me that your desire to have sex with others wasn't really a selfish abstract whim. You were searching for the intimacy we used to share. It was a revelation to me. It...ah...made things clearer to me in my own situation. If any of that makes sense? It was more about you trying to find something we had lost a long time ago. I guess trying to rekindle a spark as it were. We were very good together at one point, before the kids became our focus, you know." They both smiled in fond remembrance of a time gone by.

"I had surrendered myself to living the quiet drab routine that our marriage had become. I felt I owed you that. You were so good to me, such a great mother to our children. I guess I believed that was as good as my life was going to be. I felt like, that...well, I thought out of loyalty, I would stay.

"When you uttered those words to me. It hit me like a ton of bricks. After consideration I realized you felt the same way I did. That's when I made the decision..."

"But, Tommy, you never said anything..."

"That's because I'm not as brave as you. Up until that moment anyway. You forced me to take a good long hard look at myself, as well as our marriage."

"I'm not sure I agree with you..."

"Well, Bev, if you want to fight about it, would you like to strip naked and hold each other like we used to when we argued? Dr. Adams here seems like an Avant Garde and creative counselor, but even she might have a problem with that." Thomas had a twinkle in his eyes as he spoke. Dr. Adams remained impassive.

"Tell me this, Bev, what is the one word you would use to describe our marriage?"

"Well, I would, I mean, I would have to think..."

"No, you wouldn't. You already know the answer. We've both said it many times when we were asked about it."

They said it together with a sense of realization and sadness. "Comfortable." They were silent for a few minutes. That was the moment that Beverly recognized her marriage was truly over. And, it had been for some time. Love really didn't matter any longer. The saying that love conquers all was complete bullshit. It made for good lines in movies, on greeting cards, and in trashy romance novels, but that was all. The daily trials and tribulations of real life, month after month, year after year, decade after decade, trumped the ideal of love. It didn't mean love wasn't there. The daily difficulties and miseries of real life made it irrelevant.

"But, Tommy, our marriage wasn't a mistake. The sex was still good. It wasn't like when we first met, but it was still good. It's not like we hated each other."

"No, it wasn't a mistake, but that didn't mean we should stay married. And, yes, the sex was good. But we hadn't made love in years, Bev. You know that's true. Beverly started to jump in, so Tommy held up his hand. "I'm not attacking you, Bev. I told you I understood. And, I meant it. Let's quit fighting while we are still fond of each other. Let's start looking for something new and exciting. It's long past time, Bev..."

Dr. Adams interrupted at that point. "Out of a professional curiosity, Thomas, if you felt that way, why didn't you simply agree with Beverly's proposition? Maybe you could have agreed to open up your marriage to others? She gave you plenty of opportunities to amend her proposal."

"What would have been the point, Doctor? Besides, you would know much more about the success rate of so-called 'open' marriages than I do?" The doctor gave him a look of satisfaction that a teacher would give a star pupil after having solved a difficult problem. "As I saw it, our marriage was over. It was done. Screwing around with other people, going on dates, all that crap, would just delay the inevitable." He paused to collect his thoughts. "And, doing something like that might make us end up hating each other in the end." He replied with distaste. "I thought it better to cut the cord, end it right away..."

"Yes, Thomas, I do know." The Doctor butted in again. "You're right, it is a very poor strategy to try to save a troubled relationship. But I believe Beverly's point is, that you never discussed it together. To her, it feels like you just quit on your marriage without a fight at all." She paused thoughtfully, waiting for his response.

"I thought about that...I think I was worried that if I shared my thoughts...well, maybe Bev would have tried to stay, like I had, out of a sense of duty to me. She was already backtracking her desire for change a few minutes after having the courage to speak her mind. It took a lot of guts to do that in the first place. If that had happened, we would have been back where we were. We'd probably have insidiously grown to hate each other over time. I'm sure you've had plenty of sessions with older married couples, who for no real reason are angry with each other all the time." There was another nod of understanding from the doctor.

"Think about it for a minute, Bev. Over the past few years, we haven't really done anything together. Just the two of us, like we used to before kids. We come home from work, tired. We eat a mostly silent meal together. We don't talk about anything of consequence. It's the usual, 'how was work?' Or, what might be happening in the children. When we're done, we go into separate rooms to do individual things. We have different friends, interests, and hobbies. There really is no us anymore.

"From my perspective, I didn't want to become one of those old men who sit around coffee shops all day, because they couldn't stand to be at home with their wife. I've seen and heard them before. All they do is bitch and moan about their life, their wife, and how the world has gone to shit. They routinely criticize those whose lives are different, because they think everyone has to be as miserable as they are. In reality, all they are doing is sitting around waiting to die." Tom became embarrassed at his language, but the doctor just smiled at him, so he continued. "We both deserved better, Bev. For that matter so do our children.

"I Know I definitely could have, and should have, handled your cry for help more appropriately, but ripping the band-aid off the open sore, seemed the way to go at the time."

Their amicable divorce was finalized nine months later. They agreed that Beverly would stay in the house with the children until they finished college. Then they would split the proceeds from its sale fifty-fifty just as they had everything else.

When Thomas received the final decree in the mail, he drove from his tiny apartment near work, to his old house. As expected, he found a somber Beverly surrounded by their children sitting morosely in their living room. She had obviously been crying. All four sets of eyes turned to him as he walked through the front door.

"I'm sorry. I should have knocked, I suppose?" He pointed with his thumb back towards the door. "That's going to take some getting used to."

"Don't be ridiculous, Tommy. It's still your house too." Beverly waved her hand to dismiss his thought.

"So, you got your copy too." Tommy quietly stated the obvious. Bev silently nodded. "I just..ahh, I mean, I wanted to make sure you were all right, you know?"

She nodded again and started to softly cry. "Tommy, I wasn't crying because I thought what we were doing was the wrong thing. I was crying over what we had lost many years ago. And, I was thinking about things we might have done differently to avoid it."

He smiled thinly. "I understand, Bev. I've been having the same kind of thoughts."

"We were just talking about dinner. Why don't you stay and share it with us?" Bev sniffled. "We can all be miserable together."

He acquiesced. What the hell, he didn't have anything else to do. It became a regular family Wednesday night occurrence for the next few months. If any of them recognized the irony that they had never made a point of doing this before, no one mentioned it.

Over time, Tom was back home doing various gardening and household chores a couple of days a week, just like he always had. Pretty soon, Bev was doing his laundry for him, just like always. She even did grocery shopping to keep his refrigerator and pantry full of something besides beer and Cup of Noodles.

For the most part the Wednesday night dinners were filled with lighthearted and routine talk of what was happening in the kids' lives. As time went on though, Tom and Bev tried to spend a little quiet time together after dinner when their children were doing homework or other projects.

On one of these evenings, Beverly had noticed that Tom was a little quiet. And their routine of doing the dishes was mostly silent that night. She asked gently. "Everything okay with you, Tommy?"

He gave a little sigh, shut off the tap water, and turned to face her as he dried his hands with a towel and leaned back against the counter. "I'm not really big on looking backwards, Bev, but yesterday I was thinking that I never really gave you a chance to tell me, 'Why.' Not even during our counseling. Maybe it doesn't matter anymore, but it's been bothering me." He scrunched his face up. "Actually, that's not really right. It's not the why so much, it's, the, 'what.' What did you think would happen when you confronted me with your, need, I guess is what to call it."

"Whoa, Tommy, there's a lot there..."

"You don't have to tell me." He quickly intruded. I mean, you don't owe me or anything."

"No, I want to tell you, Tommy. I do owe it to you, I suppose." She had to think for a moment before continuing. "I never told you, but I saw Dr. Adams a few more times alone, after we agreed to proceed with the divorce. We talked about it a lot, and some of it isn't really clear to me, even to this day. But, I can tell you one thing for certain, I didn't expect what went down, that's for sure."

They both got a good laugh at that. "However, as time went by, and especially during the counseling, I gradually came to realize that your solution really was the best for all of us. The kids included."

Bev studied Tom's facial expression carefully. "Please don't get angry. I will tell you the truth, but some of it might hurt?"

"I know, but I really need to understand, if for no other reason than my own peace of mind."

"Okay. First of all, you were right. I had been thinking about it for a long time. Almost a year, if you can believe it. Also, I was being honest when I told you it was a discussion. I wasn't trying to ram anything down your throat. I never would have done it if you said no. It sounds trite and self-serving now, I know, but it's true, nonetheless.

"I figured there were three outcomes that could result from my bringing it up. But, I would be lying to you if I didn't tell you that a part of me thought and hoped you would let me do it." Tom immediately got a shocked look on his face.

"I know, Tommy, I know." She held her palms up to him so he wouldn't interrupt her flow. But, at the time, I thought I might be able to convince you that it wouldn't interfere with us. It wasn't until much later in talking with Dr. Adams that she convinced me that only two things could have happened if you had agreed. And in both cases our marriage would have been over anyway. One scenario was me, losing respect for you for allowing it, and the second, was you losing all respect for me, for doing it. In either case, we would end up divorced." Beverly was becoming emotional at this point.

"Of course, when I came up with the plan, the second outcome, and the one I was really hoping would happen, would've been you yelling and screaming at me. Then ultimately it would wind up with us in counseling where we would work things out and salvage our marriage. When you didn't do that, you really threw me for a loop. That's when I lost control of the argument, and why I flipped out on you when you handed me the papers." She became quiet for a long time.

"And the third, outcome?" He barely whispered it to her.

Bev gave a bitter acidic laugh. "I thought, well, I thought the worst case was we would end up in a kind of an open marriage. Dr. Adams quoted me some statistics on that. Suffice to say, our marriage would have been over had any of my three outcomes come true. I guess a marriage is really over, when one party thinks their selfish need is the most important part of the relationship, isn't it? In the end you were right. Our marriage ended as soon as the words came out of my mouth."

She started to softly cry. Tom held her in his arms and let her get it out. "Listen, Bev. I don't blame you for ending our marriage. That took both of us. You may have lit the fuse, but, sooner or later, it was going to happen anyway." He thanked her and quietly excused himself. On his ride home, he wasn't quite sure if he felt vindicated, or like a heel for having put Beverly through that.

In any case, the Wednesday night family dinners continued. If Tom and Bev noticed, they never acknowledged it, but it became a running joke with Perris, Franklin, and Tracey that their parents acted more like they were married after they got divorced.

From that point onward though, Beverly and Tom never discussed the past again. Instead, they focused on what was going on in each other's lives.

Invariably the conversation would focus on their personal experiences. When asked, Tommy reluctantly told Bev of a couple of dates he went on that were disasters. He told her it was really making him gun-shy.

His first attempt was a blind date that a couple of friends at work had fixed him up with. She was a very pleasant woman. However, she told him right up front that she was looking for a man to marry her and help raise her three teenagers. She made marriage sound like a business transaction. It was an inauspicious start to his single life.

His second attempt at a date was with a recent divorcee like him, and she grilled him as if she was a prosecutor in a murder trial. Tommy was sure the woman thought him a criminal. There was no second date for that one, either. After that, Tommy said he was going to hold off for a bit before he tried dating anymore.

Beverly hadn't gone on any real dates, but she had coffee with a couple of guys from work. She tried the girls' night out thing a few times, but she told Tommy that she found it depressing. Her girlfriends, some single, married, and/or divorced, dragged her with them to known pickup places.

To Beverly, it seemed as if everyone there was too desperate. It was like they were trying so hard to have a good time, it seemed cynical. She found it very disturbing. The third time she went out with the girls, two of the married women started making out with guys in the bar. One of them, a coworker, actually left with one of the lounge lizards. Beverly was shocked.