All Comments on 'Balasar's Bloodline - Endangered Ch. 01'
by Azin
- 2 Comments
Unless you have constructive criticism, of which I am more than open to receive, then please scroll on if you do not like the subject matter. There is no need to be rude when all you are doing is being rude for the sake of it. This is a general request, thank you.
A great start to what will hopefully be a great multi-part story.
The beginning could maybe do with a little more information and description (you practically jump the reader into the troops meeting with the dragon-prince and saying that places/things are on fire without really saying that its a sort-of medieval castle/keep, or if the main construction is brick or wood... and then talk about tunnels as if this place was part above-ground palace and part underground dragon's-lair). This left me confused as to the setting/location.
After the big barricaded door is unblocked and the fighting starts everything becomes more or less clear as the reader's focus is on the action rather than the setting/location.
Characters could probably do with a bit more description (is is their armor silver? Gray? Bronze? What is the main color of the scales of each?) Perhaps you could mention their eye color, or if their eyes change color when using magic. Other than that, characters are fine.
I would have LOL'ed if the time-frozen enemies had been given a bit of comedy. Like after time restarted for them, if one-by-one they went down acting like they had been kicked in the nuts, until only their leader was standing there, having watched as his troops go down one at a time from being ball-busted, growing more afraid of being next and holding his legs closed like he was expecting to be kicked in the nuts too, only to have his head fall off, and one of the downed enemies then commented "lucky bastard".